Life Unpacked

Warning: This post is all over the place.

Do you know how strange it is to unpack belongings you haven't seen for over 3 years? It's a little odd to me some of the things I kept... But there is something comforting and familiar about eating off our own plates again.  At the same time, unpacking has really made the finality of everything apparant.  My heart is starting to wake up to the fact that we aren't going back to China anytime soon... in some ways, I'm OK.  And in others, I'm extremely sad.  Like the day before yesterday... when I stopped in a bookstore to buy a book (that LeLe promptly ate, but that's a story for another day) and saw this on the shelf... I'm pretty sure it was made at New Day's factory, and I touched it and thought about the fact that the person who made it and touched it with their own hands might have bought vegetables from the same vendor I used.  It turned something that normally feels so detached/sterile/inhuman into a deeply personal experience.  Honestly, as goofy as it may seem, I let my hand linger there... just trying to feel connected for a minute.

So I'm on week two of the SAHM/housewife gig.  It isn't easy to be the only one caring for a baby all day long.  (How do those of you with multiple children do it?!)  LeLe, Cora, and I have many deep conversations.  :)  But it is sweet and precious, and I can't imagine having to send her off to daycare every day.  So I'm not complaining... just adjusting.  Jacob has been working longish hours as he gets started... the learning curve is steep, and he's wanting to settle in as soon as possible.  But that means for about 12 hours a day, it is just me and the girls.  We're finding our rhythm...  and I'm enjoying doing SAHM stuff like cooking right now and letting my focus be entirely on my family, but it is a little strange...

I also feel a bit like a "lady who lunches," (though most of my lunches are sandwiches at home).  We do have a couple of friends here in Midland who have completely welcomed us with open arms.  As a result, I already have a women's bible study and play-dates.  Play-dates.  (I think they are more for my sanity than Cora's play.)  But again... a little strange.  For one, it is odd to be totally unscheduled... no commitments or responsibilities.  And, it is strange to be with a group of girls where the conversation mostly focuses on our own children.  It's good, just so very different.  I'm so very thankful for the friendships, but it is an adjustment to go from the world where I was to the world where I am.  I'm sure I'm not navigating it with complete grace, but as a friend reminded me yesterday, I'm trying to be gentle with myself, and others for that matter.

Speaking of this adjustment, God has already shown Himself to be more than able to help me move into this new world a little more seamlessly.  Not to mention the old-friendships-made-new that have helped make this such a comfortable transition so far, little things have happened that just sort of surprise me... like the small group we're in... the leaders of it have a special heart for China.  Their son is married to a Chinese gal who once worked for China Aid.  They are going to China in a few weeks.  And then I have just "happened to run into" this girl named Sarah three separate times.  She lived in Uganda for several years, married a Ugandan guy, and they came back to Midland (her hometown.)  She has 2 precious little boys and runs a charity with her husband from here in Midland supporting orphans and impoverished children back in Uganda.  And seriously - when I say "run into her," I mean it... first was at Jason's Deli where I struck up a conversation with her because of her son's Montessori school tshirt.  Second was at the farmer's market, where I happened upon her booth where she sells jewelry to support their work, and third was at the Natural Grocer's store.  It was a little weird.  Or as she said, perhaps divine.  And then, in the women's Bible study I just joined, there's a mama in there who has adopted two little ones from children's protective services.  In just the few minutes we spoke, I knew I'd found another gal with a heart for orphans... and the women in that study in general were some of the most transparent/honest I've ever met.  I know it will be a precious place to build relationships.  So while I keep wondering why God brought us to Midland, I keep getting the answer in surprising little ways.

Cora is such a little light.  She seems to have come alive these last couple of weeks... she's rolling over like crazy now.  (She's been going back to tummy for a while, and though she did tummy to back once a few weeks ago, she hadn't done it again until the last couple of days.  Now she's reveling in her newfound ability to flip back and forth.  Including in her swing... where I found her on her belly after her nap the other day.  And yes, we have begun using the safety strap now.)  She also seems to be just totally amazed and enthralled with the world.  She loves LeLe, and gets so excited when she can bury her face in her fur.  We're still exclusively breastfeeding, but when she sees one of us with food or a drink, she gets so excited.  She stiffens her little arms and legs and just starts shaking.  We often give her little tastes of whatever we're drinking, and when she sees the straw coming to her mouth, she gets downright giddy.  Yesterday she tried my Tom Yum soup, and I think she liked it.  She was smacking her lips afterwards.  She is a girl after my own heart, for I think Tom Yum is just about the best soup ever.  We have found one thing that Cora doesn't like... nursery.  I think she's a little young to have stranger wariness -- I think it is more likely "loud noise wariness" due to other loud children -- but both times we've tried to put her in the nursery, it has ended in a fit of tears.  I'm hoping tomorrow goes better, as I really want to be able to do the bible study without baby attached to my hip.

Oh, you should have seen her this morning...  (Actually, you can!  I thought to take a picture!)  She was getting her bath, and she was fascinated by the little cup that I use to "shower" her with water.  This was her face, every single time it showered down on her.

And another new thing... this noise she makes.  I think she's pretending she's LeLe.

(Skip to end of the video to hear, if you don't want to watch the whole thing.  Personally I watch the whole thing several times when I miss her while she's in the middle of nap-time, but that's probably just because she's my daughter, I suppose... )

All in all, we're well.  Especially now that we are "reconnected" to the outside world.  (I think I have an internet/email/blog/facebook addiction, made utterly apparent by lack of internet for a week.)  There's a lot brewing in my heart these days, but more on that later...

And This is Today

She just woke up.  She's swinging back and forth in her swing, chewing on her monkey's hand.   She keeps grinning at me, but she seems perfectly content to sit there a while longer.  She's four months old now (where did time go?), and I'm wanting to freeze these moments and these days.  I don't want to forget them... even the simple ones, like the quiet contentment after an afternoon nap.  I'm more thankful than I thought possible for all the little joys Cora brings to my life.

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We're moving in a week.  We had a whirlwind trip to Midland earlier this week, where we checked with apartment after apartment, where they told us we could move in July, August, or not at all.  It's a miracle we found anything livable available immediately.  We're suffering sticker shock, but we're so thankful we found a place to live.  Now I'm in the process of going through all of our belongings and deciding what really needs to be taken to our 650 square foot, 1 bedroom new home.  The last thing we want to do is cram it so full we can't move, but it's hard to figure out what is really needed for our little family of three.  And I do want a few touches to make it feel like a home.  (They just can't clutter.)

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I have to admit, I'm both happy and sad about this move.  It will be nice to end this weird "in between" time when we've (literally) lived out of a suitcase for three months.  But it will be sad to move away from our families.  It will be nice to have a place that is really "ours," but I'm sad that it is yet another temporary dwelling.  I just want to settle down a bit...  I would love to make a nursery for Cora.  I suppose she'll have a nursery corner of our bedroom, but that's not really what I had in mind.  And I really want to have a garden.  I suppose the upside is that with 650 square feet, I don't have a lot to clean!

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Since Cora has been born, Jacob has been with us every day.  We know we have been blessed by this... what Dad gets to spend every single day with his baby?  We've all enjoyed the time together, but now it is coming to an end.  Starting on the 16th, Jacob will be going to work every day, and for the first time in my life as a mother, I will be alone with a baby all day long.  I think this is going to be hard on all of us as we adjust... This is another one of those happy/sad things.  I'm so thankful Jacob has a job that he thinks he will really enjoy in the field he likes, but I'm sad that this season of togetherness that we've had for the last 4 years is ending.

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Lately I've been very preoccupied mentally and emotionally with all these decisions... what job to take, where to live, when to go, etc.  But now that we are moving into this new season of life, I'm finding myself thinking about what I want to do with myself.  First and foremost, I want to spend as much time as I can soaking in all the beauty and sweetness that is my little girl, but I know that I want to keep doing some other things as well.  I've stayed somewhat involved with NDFH since we left, and there maybe some ways to expand the work I do with them from here.  And then there's Scarlet Threads, our little sewing cooperative, that seems to truck right on along despite my neglect.  

For you mamas out there... I'm really struggling with what to do.  I could use advice.  Scarlet Threads and the foster home are some of my "first loves" -- they were, in many ways, what 'defined' me these last few years.  Now that I have Cora, I seem to have lost my willpower to get much done outside of taking care of her and perhaps making hair-bows.  (I blame it on the 4-month lack of 8 consecutive hours of sleep.)  But, I feel like there will come a day when I want to do something other than watch my daughter sleep.  (Or, if I'm being really honest, sleep with her.)  So here's the question... how do you decide how to spend your time?  When do you know you want to keep an "iron in the fire," so to speak, so that you can pick something up more fully at a later date?  And when do you know a season has ended for good? I'm really not sure... All of these things are so close to my heart... I don't really want to slam the door shut on them for good.  But honestly, right now, I have very little mental, emotional, or physical energy to give.  And I just don't know what to do.  (Maintaining my current levels of involvement doesn't feel right, because right now I feel like I'm doing nothing well.)  To be really frank, this has way more to do with Scarlet Threads than the foster home.  But I'm just thinking about it globally right now... Any wisdom from more seasoned mamas is much appreciated.

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Cora is saying my computer time is up.  At least I think that's what that particular pattern of squeaks, squeals, and coos means.

Life and Stuff

She keeps me present in each day... that might be one of the most significant gifts she's given me.  When I start wishing for the past or imagining the future, her smile pulls me back to right here and right now.  It is a gift.

But she's the giver of many other good gifts... She is such a joy.  Three months old, and she's changing before our eyes.

• Her smile.  Ohhhh, her smile.  Jacob and I both agree it is just about the best thing ever.  Not that we're biased or anything.
• She's continuing to live up to her nickname... dumpling.  We've noticed in the last few days she's started developing "rubber band wrists."  You know what I mean?  Where the chub on both sides of the wrist makes it look as if the baby has a rubber band around her wrist?  Well Cora's getting those.  We may have to start powdering them soon.  They are starting to chafe.
• She has found her voice.  Our quiet, sweet, demure little girl is turning into a loud squawker.  It isn't crying... just really loud talking/screeching.  It goes on for 30-40 minutes at a time, and she gets so loud that she actually chokes herself.  We're not sure what she did with the other Cora.  It'd be OK if she brought her back.  :)
• She has suddenly developed an awareness of when she is alone.  Her talking/squawking intensifies if she does not have someone's undivided attention.  And if she has someone looking at her, holding her, or talking to her, she morphs back into quiet Cora... all smiley and coy. 
• She's starting to find some things funny.  Like when the dog chews on Daddy's toes... to the point that it hurts.  Case in point:

• She rolled over a few times... or at least 95 percent of the way.  While lying on her back, she managed to turn completely over onto her stomach... everything except her head, that is... it was still lingering in a position that looked quite uncomfortable on the neck.  That darn noggin.

• She has now met all of her living great grandparents.  I was so thrilled that she had a chance to spend time with my precious grandparents.  And she managed to impress my Papa quite a bit.  He couldn't believe that she "never cries!"
• She got to see the ocean for the first time, on our recent trip to Washington.  She didn't care a bit.

• My Grandma doted on her the whole weekend.  When told that she was cute at the grocery store, she replied, "I know!"  I laughed and said I have to say "Thank you" to those comments... only great grandma's get to say "I know!"  And grandma proudly told me that one of her friends thinks she looks like the Gerber baby. Again, I have to say thank you while grandma says "I know!"
• She got her first sunburn.  On a recent picnic, I was the irresponsible mama who forgot a hat or sunscreen.  I did keep her in the shade and under an umbrella the whole day, but she was too fair for that!  It went away quickly, but that night she seemed to enjoy the feeling of a cold washcloth on her forehead.
• She's an awesome traveler.  On the airlines, everyone eyes us warily and then when the plane lands with them never having heard a peep, we get told, "Wow!  She is such a good baby!"  I seriously think airplanes are like sleeping pills to her.  
• Right when we were getting ready to get on one of our flights, she had a MASSIVE blowout.  Seriously, we were 2 minutes from boarding.  I ran to the bathroom, and she had poo everywhere... running down her leg which meant my hand got covered.  Unfortunately her change of clothes was in another bag, which was with Jacob outside the bathroom.  So Cora got to walk through the Portland airport with nothing but a diaper and a hair bow on.  And we missed pre-boarding.  Such is life.
• Traveling did mess up her schedule a bit... she was sleeping at strange times and waking up far too frequently to eat.  But we seem to be getting back on track.  Waking up two times a night is bearable to me... though I look forward to my first day with 8 hours of sleep.

I'm keeping this record not because I think everyone in bloggy land cares about every little detail of Cora's development and her blowouts, but because I want to remember these things someday (ok, maybe not the blowouts.)... I don't journal, so this is the closest thing I have.  Thanks for humoring me... :)

So many of you have faithfully prayed for us these last couple of months of our transition, and I'm thankful to say that it looks like the waiting game may be nearing an end... Jacob's had quite a few interviews these last couple of weeks and has received a few verbal job offers.  Two of them are for jobs he thinks he would really like.  Those verbal offers are supposed to be turning into written ones sometime in the next week or so... if that happens, we have a decision on our hands.

I know I should be thankful for "decisions," especially in an economic climate where we could have gone much, much longer without any offers.  But we aren't good at making choices... we are incredibly indecisive and it is hard for us to "go with our gut," because we are both very, very logical.  It took us about a year to decide it was time to come home from China!  And now we're faced with a choice about where to go next... option one is the pacific northwest.  A beautiful part of the country where most of my extended family (including my precious grandparents) lives.  (Those are the pluses.)  The downside is the job is lower paying and we'd be far from our immediate family.  Option two is West Texas... a dry and dusty town in the desert.  Not a place either of us wants to live, and a 5 hr drive from our nearest family.  (Those are the negatives.)  But the job pays considerably more, and it is still close enough that we could probably drive home and see our parents more frequently than we would if we lived in Washington. 

In both cases, he would make enough that we could afford to live on just his salary, so I can stay home with Cora.  But even though both of us prefer the location of the first option, it is hard to turn down a better paying job... so, fundamentally we don't know what we will do.  Anyone have a crystal ball they can loan us? 

The downside to all of this?  Another transition... YIPPEEE!  Just what I was waiting for.  We are just starting to feel somewhat settled here... and here we go again.  It leaves both of us feeling a little weary and sad and tired.  But God has been so very faithful to us these last few months... I know He will continue.  But I must admit I secretly wish to be 4 months down the road... with us already moved, settled, and getting plugged into a new community, wherever that might be.

And we close with sleeping beauty.

It Hit

I didn't expect for it to hit at a Chinese buffet in a small Texas town.  I really couldn't have planned it to be more melodramatic than that.  There I was, pretending to pick over pieces of crab rangoon, desperately trying to fight back tears.

The tears were winning.

I don't know what came over me.  I don't know why it hit so suddenly and unexpectedly.  We walked in, and the waitress simply asked if I needed a high chair for Cora's car seat.  I could tell from her heavy accent that she'd be more comfortable speaking Chinese, and I muttered, "mei wenti, bu yong" before catching myself and saying "No problem.  I can just set her on this extra seat." 

I felt like since she spoke English to me, I should speak English back… I don't really know why.  But in the moment and in that setting, saying anything in Chinese seemed silly… as if I wanted to show off.  I don't think she even heard my muttered Chinese.  Or maybe she did - her eyes did sort of flash a look of surprise - but the moment quickly passed and she went on with her work.  And the fact that I no longer felt free to speak Chinese broke something deep in my heart.

And that's when it washed over me, for the first time since coming back… for the first time in nearly two months.  I had wondered when it would hit, but I never would have guessed it would have been there.  But there I was…

Wishing I was standing on different ground.  In another place.  Bent over steaming plates of noodles and suen la bai cai and shui zhu rou instead of staring at a platter of cloyingly sweet kung pao chicken and heat-lamp-warmed egg rolls.  I wished I was turning around to a table of my friends - I could hear their laughter in my heart.  Meals were such an important part of our life and our relationships in China… how many conversations shared over a bowl of steaming soup?  And here I was, listening to Chinese pop music play softly in the background, pushing my food around my plate with a fork, avoiding eye contact with everyone else at the table and realizing that more than anything…

I wanted to go home. 

And then something angry welled up inside of me… boiling, rolling, and spewing out of me in one singular question: "Where the hell is that?"

I am in my hometown.  I'm sleeping in my husband's childhood home.  I live less than 15 minutes from the bedroom where I grew up.  The town hasn't changed much since my childhood.  All signs point to this being "home."  Everyone we meet says things like, "Oh you must be so glad to be back."  I politely smile and nod my head… I am truly glad to be back.  But their assumption that there's no place I'd rather be than in this dusty, windy town leaves me a little angry.  I want to sarcastically ask them, "Oh, do you think I stayed in China against my will all those years?"  But indulging my anger by lashing out at those who are genuinely glad to have us back is cruel and destructive. 

Since that moment 3 days ago in the restaurant, I have spent many hours crying.  Spent many hours angry.  I'm not sure why I'm angry… not even sure where to direct this anger… but it is there nonetheless.  I'm angry that I don't yet have a home to replace the one I left.  (My underwear drawer is a suitcase.)  I'm angry that I'm lonely - put in a place where I feel like an alien even though it is my "home."  (I miss our community and our church and our friends.)  I'm angry that God's provision for this season of our life puts us in a place I do not want to be.  I'm angry that it doesn't seem to be as hard for Jacob as it is for me.  I'm angry that I feel so unrooted.  So alone.  So lost.

This doesn't have resolution yet.  To be honest, I'm not past the anger.  I haven't found the "moral of the story," so this isn't going to end on some inspirational note.  Right now I'm just hurting.  I'm sad and confused and uncertain about the future.  I sense the Father beckoning me to let go of my anger and turn towards Him, but I'm not ready for that.  I want to shake my fists at the sky and shout, "What was the point of all that!?!"  Going to China was hard.  Living there was hard.  Seeing what we saw was hard.  Coming back was hard.  On lots of levels (emotionally, practically, financially, professionally), reentry is hard.  It just seems like one giant cosmic joke right now.  And I'm hurting and angry, trying to make sense of the mess.

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I know this post might come as a surprise after my other writings these last few weeks… Writings that paint a polly-anna-rose-colored world.  All I can say is that I think maybe I was hiding from myself; afraid to let the lid off.  But for whatever reasons, it came off.  And now I'm trying to process all the feelings that spewed out…  I have no doubt that resolution will come, and I have no doubt of exactly where I'll fall when I reach the end of my flailing, resisting, angry fighting...

The one thing that remains true in the midst of all of this is that Cora is a sign of God's grace to me.  Having a baby at the same time that we made this transition defies common sense.  But, I'm now seeing that she is daily painting me a picture of His joy, love, and faithfulness.  She is a tangible reminder to me that He is good and present, even in circumstances I do not understand.

It's a...

Girl!

By now many of you already know we welcomed Ms. Cora Eve McKean on January 5, 2011 at 9:53 am.  She weighed 8.3 lbs and was 21 inches long.  We didn't end up needing an induction, and things progressed pretty smoothly for the most part... had a natural delivery.  Thank you for your prayers.  There was a point when we were potentially going to need an emergency c-section due to her heart rate dropping, meconium in the waters, and a slow-down in contractions.  But they gave us one hour, and things got back on track.  She's perfectly healthy and perfectly adorable.

We've had to stay in the hospital a bit longer than expected due to my bladder not fully cooperating with our plans to go home, but it isn't a serious problem and hopefully we'll be headed home tomorrow.  Please pray for that.  I'm really ready to leave.

Well, my dear husband is drastically limiting my computer time, reminding me that all non-feeding moments should be reserved for attempts at sleep, so I'm signing off.  I loaded a few more pictures of our little gal on facebook, if you wanna see her.

Not Yet!

Still no update of any substance.  So I bring you this picture, snapped by a friend of ours recently.  This was taken up at the office where they are doing some construction work.  And yes, he is taking a sledgehammer to the ledge he is standing on.  There's really nothing else that needs to be said about that... except perhaps: why!??  (If you've spent much time in China, sites like this won't surprise you too much.)

In baby news (since I know that's what everyone actually wants)... had another appointment today.  Baby is perfectly fine by all counts.  Just one laid-back babe.  But if he/she doesn't get moving on their own terms in the next two days, he/she will officially be handed an eviction notice Thursday morning.  I'm scheduled to go in at 8am Thursday morning for a hit of contraction juice (i.e. pitocin) to hopefully kick things into high gear.

It isn't my first choice.  I'd rather this kiddo get things moving on their own... but our doctor assures me that I'm a good candidate for this.  My body is showing lots of other signs of being ready to labor -- including lots and lots of contractions -- but they just aren't regular.  So she thinks in my case it'd probably serve as a trigger and not necessarily send us down a road with a lot of other interventions.

I just need to sit back and relax.  Maybe nature will still take over.  But if not, pitocin isn't the end of the world.  And it is nice to have an "end date" in my mind.  Keep praying for us!  We're going to need it these next few days!

(And yes, we will post something on here or on facebook as soon as we can!  They do have wireless at the hospital, so we should be able to inform you relatively quickly when we have news to share.)

Baby It's Cold Outside!

Do I keep tormenting you with my blog post titles?  Heh.  It's payback for the emails/questions/facebook messages/phone calls/etc. asking "When is the baby coming?"  Believe me, no one wants to know more than me!  And if you don't already know this... no one (not doctors, not diviners, not fortune tellers, not moms-to-be) knows the answer to that question.

I suppose it is better than, "Oh!  You're still pregnant!!"  Which is something else I'm hearing frequently these days.

That I am friends... that I am.

But seriously - I think somehow someone managed to inform our little one of the recent ridiculously-cold-weather snap here in Beijing.  It is just about unbearable.  Yesterday afternoon, with the 25mph biting wind whipping around, it felt like -2 degrees fahrenheit!  Today is no different.  No wonder this babe is staying put.

And lest you feel the urge to regale me with stories of how cold it is where you live, let me remind you that in this little village, nearly everyone either walks or rides a bike or a scooter.  It isn't just the cold; it is the exposure to it that makes it unbearable.

Enough with the complaining.

Thank you for your comments and emails on my last post... they were all encouraging (in different ways) and reassuring to know that I'm not the only one who feels this way.  I'd rather be transparent any day of the week than pasting on a fake happy smile.  And I appreciate that when I'm real and vulnerable, people don't respond in harshness and judgement.  Sometimes I brace myself for it, but it never happens... you guys are the best.

Someone sent me a link to this blog post yesterday... it's something I wrote earlier this month, but I didn't know it was being submitted to the LWB blog, so I didn't know it was on there.  It's about Robert's Glimmer of Hope.  If you aren't already, will you join me in praying this little guy into a family?

I had a doctor's appointment yesterday.  Ultrasound showed healthy baby and healthy fluid levels and healthy everything else... so they want me to keep waiting.  I'm actually thankful that in this country that's a bit c-section-happy, I have such an "all natural" medical team.  But, there's another part of me that really wants to take advantage of modern medicine and get the show on the road.  Right now, Jacob and I just feel like we need to wait - so we're taking their advice and doing our best to be patient.  (I don't think it's that hard for Jacob to be patient since he's not the one with a bowling ball sitting on his pelvis.)

With all the "gearing up for baby" we've been doing, I haven't had a lot of time to dwell on the fact that in a little more than a month, we will be leaving China.  I'm both excited and sad.  Very bittersweet.  (And scary, but that's a post for another day.)  For the last few days, I've been trying to soak up everything around me so I never forget.  Here are some things I've contemplated so far.  There's more, I'm sure.  You may not find this interesting... it's mostly for my own chronicle so that someday I can look back and remember.

Things I'll miss:
-The daily walks around our apartment complex; seeing friends we've made along the way.
- The older people out walking backwards, playing ping pong, dancing, playing frisbee, and just generally staying unbelievably active.
- People calling our dog "Ler Ler" - sounds odd, I know. But it is a Beijing accent, and it's endearing and cute to us. (Her name is actually LeLe, as in LuhLuh - means Happy Happy; which fits her.) Anyway, she is a village mutt, after all… not a high-browed pedigree, so Jacob and I have taken to calling our dog this rural Beiing-hua version of her name… so much so that it has almost morphed into her all-the-time-name. Can you imagine the odd looks we'll get in the states if people hear us calling our dog "Ler Ler?" (That was a bit of a digression. sorry.)
- The old man in the park with his sword who does elaborate exercise dances. He looks as if he's from another dynasty.
- Neighbors who have truly welcomed us… the call I got on Christmas night from an older lady in our apartment complex just to wish me a Merry Christmas. (A holiday she doesn't actually celebrate.)
- Friends who stop by and spend afternoons just chatting. The way that everyone is chipping in to help us through the next month of our life. Friends have arranged to prepare meals, walk our dog, help us pack, run errands, and just about anything else that we might need. We may not have family around, but we're surrounded by an incredible community.
- Stopping by the foster home play room whenever I want to cuddle, laugh, and play.  I love those kids.  That's all I have to say about that.
- People who have loved and welcomed us into their lives, even when we're the "crazy foreigners" who can barely communicate with them... People like Deng Jie, the head seamstress for Scarlet Threads, who tells me every time she sees me that she is going to miss me when I go.  I'll miss them, too.

Things I will not miss:
-The dirt. Oh. The dirt. Piles and piles all over our village, which is in a perpetual state of deconstruction/construction.
-The trash. The burning trash. The piled trash. The ever-present trash.
-The sad-looking stray animals living in the trash.
-The pollution. (Officially called "crazy bad" by US embassy.)
-The traffic. (Officially tied with Mexico City for "world's worst.")
-The winter weather.  Did I mention it is cold?

Christmas in China

Merry Christmas everyone!  For those of you in the USA, you still have a few more hours to celebrate.  It's Sunday morning here, and I think Jacob and I need to recover a bit from the holiday celebrations.  We're hanging out at home today, playing with our dog and just resting.

We kicked things off with a Christmas Eve party at a friend's house here.  We joined about 20 other people around steamy bowls of hot pot and ate until we were stuffed.  It was pretty tasty, but the fellowship was even better.  Christmas in China can be pretty hard.  (I should know - this is the third one of the last four that we've spent here.  It's hard because you are so far from family and a culture that generally acknowledges it.  But it is the first one that I didn't spend at least part of the day crying!  So I'd say that's success.)  Anyway, because so many people are far from their own families and traditions, we do a pretty good job of coming together.  We've never been to so many Christmas parties as we have in China... and it helps make things feel a bit more like they should.

We started Christmas morning with a doctor's appointment.  Odd, I know.  But it isn't an official holiday here.  It was actually OK - I mean, if we're sitting around waiting on the baby anyway, it's kind of nice to feel like you are at least doing something productive in that department.  And the official verdict: wait some more!  Nothing much to report, other than increased weight gain (on my part), which I chalk up to the intense holiday baking I've been doing.  And, a baby that continues to be doing quite well and seems to be quite cozy, unfortunately.  (The cozy part - not the doing well part.)  We do know the child isn't deaf.  During the weekly non-stress test (standard operating procedure here in your last month), our little one was decidedly uncooperative.  The test monitors the baby's heart rate and ensures that it responds the way it should.  So, when it moves, the heart rate should climb and then fall again when it is still.  Well, our child wanted to sleep through the test, evidently. And no movement = no results.  So the nurse gets a metal cup and a metal medical instrument and starts banging them a few inches from my stomach.  Within about 10 seconds, the child was squirming.

No wonder he/she doesn't want to come out...

One thing I've learned through three Chinese Christmases is that I always miss the holiday meal.  I had my heart set on one this year, so after the doctor's appointment, Jacob and I treated ourselves to our own Christmas celebration.  We went to the Grand Millennium, a 5-star hotel in downtown Beijing, and gorged on enjoyed a beautiful Christmas buffet.  It wasn't quite the same as being at home, but the food was excellent and they had all the holiday must-haves... turkey, ham, prime rib, stuffing, gravy, etc.  We spent 1.5 hours just enjoying a quiet lunch and talking; we're really trying to make the most of these last days of "coupledom," for we know it will all change very, very soon.

Then we went home and did what people the world over do after eating too much.  We napped.  And then it was time to get ready for our next big party... another gathering at another friend's house.  This time everyone brought holiday-ish appetizers and drinks.  We made mulled wine and hot spinach artichoke dip with homemade sourdough bread.  Someone else made homemade summer sausage!  Can you imagine?  It was actually really, really good!  After hours of eating, talking, laughing, and playing games, Jacob and I came home and talked with some of our family.  (Hopefully we catch the rest of you this morning!)

It was a wonderful Christmas... though our celebrations did seem to involve way too much food.  I'm so thankful that we had a special day with so many people who we love.  Next year, when we're gathered around tables with our families, I'm sure part of me will be remembering this Christmas and wishing we could spend it with our friends here, too.

Well, that's all for now.  I'm going to go eat a piece of my yummy homemade pumpkin pie with fresh whipped cream for breakfast.  That's perfectly normal right.  Hey, it did start out as fresh pumpkin, so really I'm having a vegetable for breakfast.

Merry Christmas to all!

Christmas Waiting

We are still waiting, but it seems like December is always a season of expectation… anticipation… so it seems fitting on these quiet and cold nights.

I'm still vacillating between impatience and acute awareness that this is the last season of our life where we will have quiet evenings at home, dates without childcare arrangements, and relative freedom.  (Thank you to those who sent gentle emails and kind comments reminding me of this!)

Though I'm pondering many things, I haven't yet found a way to put them into words.

But I did find these words in little corners of cyberspace that I love to visit… they spoke to me as we wait for our own little one and as we approach Christmas.  I wanted to share them with you... uncommon perspectives as we wait for Christmas.

 On Joseph and a Complete Nativity Scene.

On and On

Sing with me:
These are the days that never end... yes they go on and on my friends.

That's what I feel like right now.

I know the doctors told me they felt there's a pretty good chance baby will come pre-Christmas, but the reality is - they don't know.  And I'm not one to dwell on the possibility of it as I don't want to get my hopes up.  So, I've sort of resigned myself to having this baby late.

The latest they'd let me go is the first week of January; at which point they'd induce.  So, in my head, I've shifted my due date to like January 5 or so.  Which leaves me feeling a bit frustrated, because that seems like FOREVER away.  (Three weeks isn't exactly forever, says the rational voice in my head.)

But I'm done being pregnant.

I know how hard pregnancy is for some people.  I know how badly some people want it.  And I'm aware that my attitude stinks at a time when I should be blissfully grateful for how smooth everything has gone up until this point.  Yet in these final weeks, I'm not being the "happiest camper" about everything.  I just want to be on the other side of pregnancy, and at this point it feels like it will never, ever come.  (Overly dramatic, I know.  But I'm blaming pregnancy hormones for the drama.)

So while there is still no baby, I'm still having pretty regular (albeit painless) contractions and was told by yet another doctor that the baby is "fully engaged" (which she said means the same thing as "dropped" - to answer my previous question), so in reality labor could start at any time.  But it also means it could start in 3 weeks.

I've never done well with uncertainty and a lack of a schedule or a plan.

Oh, and the two truths and two lies?
I don't have any swelling and we don't have any final names (weird, I know).  But I can still ride on our scooter (it is a tight squeeze) and I can still use a squatty.  Which by my account means Jill is the winner!  (It's a pretty lame contest when the winner gets no prize.)

Two Truths and Two Lies: A Baby Update

So two of these statements are true, and two are false. Let's see who can pick out which are white lies and which are scout's honor...

I am 9 months pregnant, and I:
a) Have swollen feet by 6pm.
b) Can still use a Chinese squatty (toilet).
c) Have finally finalized names, with the help of my dear husband.
d) Still fit on the back of our scooter.

I thought it was time for a general pregnancy update. I'm 37 weeks pregnant... officially full-term. And officially ready to get this show on the road.

It seems our baby might be in agreement. At the doctor's office yesterday, I was having regular contractions (ever 4 minutes), but at this point they are totally painless. (They continue to occur fairly regularly.) The baby's head has descended and is "engaged," but I'm not sure if it has "dropped." (What is the difference between those two things?) The doctors I saw yesterday both said they think there's a pretty good chance this baby will be an early Christmas present, which suits us just fine.  (In addition to the general desire to be done with pregnancy; there would be the added benefit of additional time to adjust before our Feb. return to USA.  So, as long as he/she is healthy and ready, I'm seriously hoping this little one debuts as soon as possible.)

I continue to be in excellent health, and as best as we can tell, so is the baby. They estimate our 'lil bundle-o-joy weighs about 6.4 pounds right now, and from the latest ultrasound all looks good -- baby's health, organs, heartbeat, umbilical cord, placenta, fluid, etc. No issues! I was told to "do whatever I want" and to not worry if I start to go into labor... they won't try to stop it at this point.

I think we're ready... or as ready as we're going to be. I'm starting to fret a little bit about how the trip to the hospital is going to go. There is no traffic like Beijing traffic, and it could take us anywhere from 1 hr to 3 hrs to get to the hospital. Obviously I can't wait as long as I might wait to leave if I lived 15 minutes from the hospital, but I have no idea when to decide "it is time." I have a pretty high pain tolerance and notoriously "under-estimate" the severity of my pain, sickness, etc. Please pray we have good wisdom about this.

Other than that, I'm not really worried about anything. I feel like our hospital is very well-prepared to help us through this process, and I really like everyone up there. We sort of get VIP treatment here -- probably nicer than we would have had in the USA -- both because the hospital is really small and because they don't have so many foreign patients. They go above and beyond to ensure that we're comfortable and confident with everything.  So Jacob and I both feel pretty good about what's ahead.

Probably because ignorance is bliss.

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And the answer to yesterday's guessing game?  She's pictured up there with me above!

The sweet-as-candy-canes Cora!

What's Happening

Everyone loves pictures, right?  Well, I thought I'd share a few more photographs from our photo shoot with Amber.  And, pictures from the baby shower Amber hosted for us last weekend.  That's right -- more than 30 photos for your viewing enjoyment!  I'm not sure when the last time I posted so many pictures at once was...
Side note: Notice the central theme here is Amber.  Don't friends like Amber rock?  I feel particularly blessed, because I have women like this in my life in abundance!  

35 week checkup went well.  Doctor continues to tell me I'm the picture of health!  But, she did tell me that even though I feel good, I really need to take it easy these next couple of weeks.  I'm trying my best to listen.  Though I know I'm not huge, I seriously don't know how much bigger this child can get. I'm not sure there's room for both of us here.  Kinda ready for the next 5 weeks (give or take) to speed on by... though I am relishing my last taste of freedom and few responsibilities.

Unless you count walking this mutt every day.  That's real responsibility, right?

She's a weird dog.  She lounges about in odd poses like this.  It makes me laugh.

I don't think she knows how drastically her life is about to change.  That makes two of us.

So... what else... oh yes, back to baby shower.  We had a great time.  More than 40 ladies joined the fun.  There was a lot of laughter.  We ate, played shower-y games, and opened gifts.  Because we're leaving and have very limited suitcase space, and because showers aren't really a Chinese tradition and I didn't want all my Chinese friends to feel like they needed to buy us gifts, the focus of the shower was to bring a square of fabric.  We're going to make a quilt of all the various fabric... it will be the world's most visually stimulating quilt, but it will be full of many special memories.  (Which is far more important to me than receiving umpteen bibs.)  We did get a few necessities for the baby as well... some diapers, a few outfits, etc.  I think we're mostly set.  And so far, our apartment hasn't turned into baby-ville... which is just what I was going for.

I baked a cake today.  I even made up the recipe.  It was a chai spice cake, and I was so excited to try it.  I took it out of the oven, cut a steaming slice, handed a slice to my good friend Grace, took a bite, and realized... I forgot the sugar!  I was going to throw the cake away.  (It was very odd tasting.)  But Grace, who is Chinese, insisted on taking it home with her.  Later she texted and said she and her roommate loved it.  I think that's a little odd, considering the way the concoction tasted, but the Chinese aren't that crazy about sugar, so I guess it is plausible.  It's also plausible that she was just being really, really nice.

And all was not lost... actually half the batter hadn't yet baked, so I tossed in some sugar and some extra spice and baked it and voila... sugar craving fulfilled!  (And this time, Jacob didn't throw away half the piece I cut for him.)

Tomorrow morning I'm making sweet potatoes for 50+ children at the foster home for their annual Thanksgiving feast.  This is my third year to do the sweet potatoes.  My favorite part is that the nannies always think they must be healthy since they are sweet potatoes and willingly give the kiddos seconds (and thirds).  I don't tell them that they probably have more sugar than the pumpkin pie.  Figure the kids need a good sugar rush now and again.

We'll be eating our Thanksgiving meal on Friday.  And, we do get the full works... turkey, stuffing, etc!  I'm soooo excited.

Speaking of Thanksgiving and being thankful... You guys make my list!  I've so enjoyed reading the comments and encouragement you've given after our last post.  Having such a warm and loving community definitely makes the prospect of our transition more exhilarating and exciting and less frightening and overwhelming.  We love you guys.  Please keep praying for us.

And with that, I'm off to bed.  G'night!

Edges

Edges terrify and intrigue me.

Though my mom might have been afraid, she never told me to back away. She'd let me get close and peer over… only calling me back when I truly passed the line of danger. Something about standing on the edge made me feel braver than I actually was. A winding creek in the valley below - it's roar a whisper from where I stood. The trees singing the song of the wind blowing through. It was a curious view from up so high, and it felt a little as if I'd been let in on some delicious secret by making it to that place and to that view. My bravado grew as I watched pebbles disappear over the edge. But so did my fear.

I don't know why I've been thinking about this today. Maybe because I'm on another edge. It has been a long and difficult climb to the top. And the view from here is sometimes curious and even bizarre. But it is time to go back down. I'm intrigued by what might be down there, but for some reason the pathway we need to follow looks a bit like jumping off the cliff from this point of view.

Over a year of prayer and months of tears and we have decided. We are going home. But my heart does wonder what that really means, because as I sit in my living room on a sunny Sunday morning with my favorite candle burning and my dog sleeping in the windowsill, I do feel in some ways that I'm already there. The irony of this is not lost on me. Many of you have journeyed with me as I've bemoaned cabinet heights and dusty villages and absent shower stalls. How did this place start to feel like mine? We came for 3 months and have stayed for 3 years, and we always knew leaving would be harder than coming.

But it is time. The reasons are many… Jacob needs and wants to return to his electrical engineering career. I am transitioning to motherhood and need to make a "clean break" so that can be a priority. We want to be closer to our families. We have watched people stay too long in this place… the rough edges of the culture grower more grating when one stays too long. Bitterness and cynicism replace grace and mercy, and we see more seeds of that in our own hearts now than ever before.

But it is hard. Our community here is a blessing that defies description. I have an opportunity to be involved in work that makes my heart sing. We enjoy a slower-paced life and more time together as a couple. It finally feels like the aftershocks of the earthquake in our lives have subsided, and I'm not ready for another earthquake, though I feel like that's what's in store.

The pebbles on the edge are many and I don't really want them to fall… since each one is connected deeply to my heart, not knowing where they might land makes me feel vulnerable and shaky.

• Jacob has no job to return to, and he has been out of the industry for 3 years. God has provided for us these last three years, but it still seems easier to set up my tent in the land of doubt rather than the land of trust. 
• We have no idea where we will make our home. We have had many offers of places to live and stay initially, but my heart wants to know where home will be. 
• We are leaving behind an incredible community for the individualistic west, and I know I will feel lonely. 
• I am leaving the work that has defined me for a very long season of my life… trading it for diapers and rocking and late nights. I don't really know who I'm going to be.

Any one of these transitions would be big. And we're kicking all the pebbles off the cliff at once. I'm terrified and intrigued.

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I know that this post might have come as a complete shock to some of you.  I've wanted to share for a while, but the time hasn't been right and we've been so busy... I realize there are many questions it raises, and I will be writing more about it in the coming weeks.  To answer the first question - when?  Probably in February sometime.  After the baby is born and we have (a little) chance to adjust.

Just Because

These last few months have been pure craziness. And it has turned me into a horrible blogger. If you are reading this, I'm surprised you're still hanging with me.

But - I did want to check in and say that we are still here and still doing well. Hard to believe we're nearing our final month in this fast-paced journey towards parenthood. All seems to be going well, though I regularly get told that I'm really small. But, our doctor says everything is fine, so I'm choosing to simply believe that I'm "blessed" and not unusually "small." :)

Our friend, Amber Parker, took maternity pictures for us a couple of weeks ago. It wasn't something I planned to do, but she talked me into it and I'm glad she did!  It was fun.  She's a very talented photographer -- check out her series on Chinese foster families! -- and she's a good friend, so we're a bit more natural around her than we normally are around cameras. It was amusing to say the least... all the laughter had a lot to do with how uncomfortable Jacob seemed by the whole experience. When she asked him (jokingly) to kiss my stomach for a picture, his reaction was priceless. I know many couples do take the "kissing belly" maternity picture... but if you know my husband, you know there are no circumstances under which he would do such a thing for a camera. Putting his hand on my belly for a few shots was borderline unacceptable in his book... especially since the foster home gardener kept walking by wondering (I'm sure) what we were doing.

In other news, We had a great weekend... there have been a few times that we've been BLOWN AWAY by someone's generosity and love for us, and this was one of those weekends. Some friends of ours from Dallas came to China for a special birthday trip and wanted to visit us for a few days in Beijing. Before this trip we hadn't had many opportunities to spend with this couple "in real life," so when they came we were looking forward to getting to know them more. And we had a blast.

But you know what they did that blew us away? They invited us to stay with them in downtown Beijing in one of the city's nicest hotels. (We're talking world-class.) This was what our room looked like.

No need to say more, but I will.

It had a bathtub. I took 2 in less than 12 hours. I could have had a third if I'd had time. Do you know how good a bath feels when you are 8 months pregnant? uh-may-zing. That's all I have to say about that.

It was truly a lovely weekend. It was totally pampering that we didn't "need" or "deserve," but it was certainly enjoyed! And, I am just totally blown away by the generosity of various people in our lives... this is just the latest example in a long stream.

Being the recipient of so much material generosity these last few years has taught me about how I want to be when the "shoe is on the other foot." I think these extravagent displays of love given to us by other Jesus-followers teach us something about the Father's heart for us that we can't learn any other way... we talk about his lavish love, but I sometimes think I don't really know what that means. But then someone comes and takes me to a 5-star hotel and puts a gift-bag in the bathroom and tells me to enjoy... just because.

And somewhere deep inside, I feel like God gave me a hug and told me He loves me... just because.

Pictures

I promised pictures... here they are. All taken at about 31/32 weeks.

Right now we have a bunch of toddler boys at really fun ages... Vincent, Timothy, Robert, and Ethan are the ones I hang out with the most. They say such funny things and they have these unbelievable imaginations. They also just like to cuddle. I think they are absolutely adorable.

A Little of This...

...And a Little of That

I read a quote that I LOVE.  If I had a car to put bumper stickers on, I might just put this on it:

It is against my relationship to have a religion.

Haaahhaaa!  I love it!  Thought-provoking, pithy, and clever!  And totally true!!  Does anyone else love it as much as me?

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Baby Update!  We are 32 weeks.  I'm increasingly uncomfortable.  The baby moves all.the.time.  Seriously.  I don't think the child ever sleeps.  This does not bode well for our future.  My doctor said I'm her healthiest patient, which I promptly learned how to repeat in Chinese as a handy retort to all the aggressive "helpful" old ladies who offer instructions "suggestions."

Thank you to all who tell me I look nice while pregnant.  It makes me feel good.  Really.  Did you see the post I did on the FH blog of the cute kid stories regarding my ever-expanding-belly?  The kids also make me feel good.  They are too sweet for words.

I promised to tell you what the dominant guess has been in the "offline" world.  It's the same as it is online, though to a much higher degree.  EVERYONE says it will be a boy.  I truly don't care and am not sure if I have a "gut instinct" about it myself or not.  I think I will be surprised if it is a girl, but probably just because everyone says boy.  Thank you for playing along... it makes the wait more interesting.  :)

I need to post some new pics.  Will try to do that tomorrow.

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A few weeks ago, Stefanie from Ni Hao Y'all tagged me in this 'lil Q&A circulating around.  It's been a long time since I did one, so I thought I'd play along.  It took me a ridiculously long time to do it because I had no idea I was tagged until last night.  I was out of town when she tagged me, and I clearly am not quick about getting through the backlog in my google reader.

Anyway, she said such nice things about those of us she tagged, I couldn't not play along.  Honestly, I find her life a whole lot more inspiring than my own... I don't know how she does it with all those little ones, a thriving business, and a ridiculously popular blog.  I certainly couldn't ignore the tag.  :)  So, here's some more talk about yours truly... the subject I know best.

1. What is your biggest pet peeve?
Spitting. Honking cars when there is clearly nothing that can change in the traffic ahead. Pushing. All three of these are fairly unique to China.

2. If you could live anywhere in the world, where would it be and why?
hmmmm... I honestly don't know. Not to get all philosophical, but I truly believe that location isn't what matters most.  Last year I wrote this, and it still rings true:

I've learned that while we like to ask God location questions, and He likes to ask us heart questions. Heart questions are the hardest questions. We've grown to understand that whether we're in Beijing or Boston, God wants one thing from us. He wants us to act justly, to love mercy, and to walk humbly with him. (Micah 6:8) We can do that anywhere. We have spent a considerable amount of time asking God where?, waiting for some lightening bolt to fall from heaven and provide us with a specific zip code. But it seems that in the last couple of years, we've learned that God just wants us to fully bewhere ever we are...

But, if we were just talking about places that might be fun... I'd say somewhere in the Pacific NW, a beach in Thailand, or maybe in Tibet.

3. Have you ever been searched by the cops?
Nope. I have almost been arrested though.

4. What is the one thing on your mind right now?
Probably how our life is going to change in about 2 months. And there are some other big decisions brewing... in short, I spend a lot of time vacillating between trust and fear.

5. Favorite song right now.
I truly love music... it is hard for me to narrow it down to one song.  And I probably have totally uncool music taste.  Before long, I'll be wearing baggy t-shirts and floor length-denim skirts.  It's just what happens to people who live abroad too long.  I digress.
Marchin On by OneRepublic
How He Loves by John Mark McMillan

6. What talent do you wish you had?
I think I'd like it if I could play a musical instrument really well... like the piano, violin, or guitar.

7. Favorite drink.
A mojito.  (I take "drink" to mean what I'd order at a bar, so there you have it.)  At Starbucks, I like a carmel frappuccino in summer or carmel macchiato in winter.  And at Jamba Juice, anything that involves raspberry or pomegranate (and is totally fruit-based; no yogurt ice cream or dairy in my smoothies, ThankYouVeryMuch.)

8. In one word, how would you describe yourself.
Today, I would say: Transparant.

I think I'm supposed to tag 8 people... This is hard.
1 - My sister-in-law and one of my closest friends, Jane.  (Who also happens to be a ridiculously funny writer.)
2 - One of my favorite bloggers, Tara.  She and her family work in Haiti... right now they are in TX, but Tara writes with great authenticity and transparency.
3 - Walking to China.  A blog of another American in China.  She has a great heart and has an adorable foster baby.  And - bonus - she actually remembers to regularly blog about what makes life in China interesting.  That's something I forget to do all the time.
4 - I have no idea if Rachel reads my blog or not (so she may never see this), but I read hers, Small Notebook, and LOVE her take on a simple life.
5 - Valerie.  Just because I love her heart and she always is willing to go above and beyond for her bloggy friends.  Have you seen what she's heading up to help the Rippees with their adoption?
6 - Rita.  She's my co-worker.  You should read her blog if you want the low-down on a houseful of crazy beautiful girls.

I think I'm going to stop at 6.  Because I'm tired.  And lame.  And this blog post has taken a ridiculously long time to write, especially when you consider I've said very little.

I'm Still Here

We have entered the final countdown... just about 10 weeks to go.  I'm feeling great at this stage; really no complaints.  (Other than killer leg cramps regularly at night.)  We had our most recent checkup just the other day, and they did a really long ultrasound.  Mostly they were checking a bunch of stuff that was unrecognizable to me, but we did get glimpses of the baby's foot (a little over 5 cm), spine (easily identifiable), weight (1.37 kg), and caught a couple of glimpses of the nose... actually the nostrils.  Not a flattering position for the poor child.  Doctor said everything looks great... both with baby and me.  I'm measuring a bit small for this stage, but she said since the baby isn't, she isn't concerned.  She thought it had more to do with baby's position than anything, and I'm just counting my blessings... I'm still not at the "miserably large" stage yet, and that's fine with me.  My blood pressure is lower than average, but that's normal for me, and my weight gain is on track.  I truly feel blessed to have no complications.  Perhaps more than most, I'm acutely aware of just what a miracle a healthy pregnancy and baby is...

This picture was snapped yesterday at 29 weeks.  We were watching Jacob and Chad (a friend of ours here) give all the kids scooter rides through the parking lot.  The children had a BLAST.  We all just soaked up the shrieks and giggles and sunshine.  I think we needed all three.  It has been a hard week at the foster home.  For those who don't know, we have a little girl who had a very dangerous surgery a few days ago, and her recovery has been touch and go.  She's not out of the woods yet, and it is stressful for everyone as we wait...

I feel like in some ways this blog has turned into a baby/pregnancy blog these last few months, which actually kind of bothers me.  I just can't seem to muster up the energy after a long day to write what's really on my heart... There's a lot brewing.  One thing that's been particularly heavy lately is, I think, related to the fact that we're about to have a baby... I think I'm just more sensitive to it right now.

The world just seems so unfair... a few weeks ago, I was looking at some beautiful pictures of my new nephew Greyson that my sister-in-law had just emailed me.  At the exact same moment at the computer right next to me, one of my co-workers was looking at a picture of a little infant boy just enrolled in our formula project.  The two baby boys are almost exactly the same age... and one is healthy, strong, and loved; the other is sick, undernourished, and abandoned.  It was almost surreal - seeing these two beautiful little faces stare out at me from the screens at the same moment.  Two little faces who did nothing to deserve their lots in life... two vastly different futures.

I generally avoid the why questions, as I don't think they are very helpful and generally take us into troubling theological territory.  Instead, I try to ask where questions...  where can I see God's love in the suffering?  Where can I see signs of His hands working out redemption, hope, and restoration.  Usually when I frame the question that way, I can see Him.  And it keeps me going.

But sometimes I do ask why.  And that leads me down a path of quiet despair... because it just isn't fair.  When an ultrasound image of my baby's healthy-looking spine flashes through my mind as I'm crying over pictures of a baby who has spina bifida that has ruptured and will leave her paralyzed, all I can think is it just isn't fair.  It isn't fair that my baby will have a family while other children wistfully long for the day they'll see pictures of their mommas and daddies.

It just isn't...

What I Need

A friend here at the foster home snapped this shot when I was getting to play videographer for a family meeting their daughter for the very first time. Unfortunately for them, video is not my forte. Hopefully it isn't too terrible. I had a hard time tearing my eyes away from those first few moments of interaction long enough to make sure that the camera was still focused on them. I'm hopeful the end result of my time behind the camera isn't a bunch of shots of the cement. Andrea, I'm sorry if it is.

I'm still in awe that I get to be a part of moments like this.  To see a family forming is a beautiful thing.  I know the road ahead will have highs/lows, but these first few moments are almost always breathtaking.  I am always awed by how God provides just what these children and families need... there's something truly holy about the moment they come together.

And yet in my own life, I don't often remain in a place of trust that God will provide just what I need.  Sometimes I do - and I write touching words about how he is "closer than my skin" - but give me 24 hrs, and you'll find me frantically trying to construct safety nets and back-up plans.  On Sunday, our teacher said something that is really convicting me right now.  We often like to say things like "seek and you will find" or "Draw near to Him and He'll draw near to you."  But then the places where we seek and draw near are often places that we've already surrendered.  Those "last frontiers" of our hearts -- where we are truly broken and need His healing most of all -- those places stay firmly under lock and key.  Firmly under the protection of our safety nets and backup plans.

Over the last year or so, I've come to know what many of those places in my heart are.  But I don't know how to surrender them.  I want to trust Him, for I know that there is healing as I draw near.  There is shelter in His wing.  There is protection and provision if I stay in His shadow.  I know all the right things, but I find that I am my biggest hurdle in truly accepting them.  How do you reconcile the "head knowledge" of who He is with the heart's fears about who He's not?

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We're 26 weeks into this journey toward parenthood, and though I know we only have about 3 months left, I'm having a hard time wrapping my mind around it.  We still don't have a name for this baby; we have some pretty firm ideas on girl names, but still no boy names - and since this little babe is going to be a surprise, we need a better plan than "boy" for the male gender. I feel like we've hit a bit of a wall, as I keep suggesting the same names to Jacob and he keeps vetoing them.

Clearly he doesn't know what a "good name" is.

So for the most part, we've just stopped thinking about names.

I thought I'd ask you guys to chip in some ideas... I'm warning you, we're pretty picky so don't be surprised if we go with something entirely different than anything suggested. Here are a few general things we like: short names (1-2 syllables) that go well with our last name (McKean; pronounced McCain). Names that aren't easily shortened or turned into nicknames. Creative/uncommon names (not in the top 50 or anything), but not weird names. A name with a good meaning is a plus.  Names that aren't confusing to pronounce. 

Life Keeps Moving

This is one of those weeks when I'm acutely aware of the things I miss by living on the other side of the world. Take my "little" brother Daniel, for instance. (I say "little" because he towers over me, has shoulders the size of boulders, and a neck that looks like a tree-trunk.)  A sophomore in high school, he's a kicker on the football team and just an all-around great kid. I haven't seen him play football, but I did get this picture of him kicking. I hope I get to watch him play at least once before he graduates!  And, I'm missing my 10-year HS reunion this weekend.  If I were home, I'd be able to see people I haven't seen since graduation and watch my little brother play -- all at the same time!  

I think it is cute that he chose the same football jersey number as my other brother, William. He probably doesn't want me to say that's "cute," though. However, I don't think he reads my blog, so it doesn't matter. Speaking of William, he and his wife, Jessica, arrive in China TONIGHT! They are spending 10 days with us, and I'm excited to show them around. I haven't seen Will in over a year, so I'm super-excited to hug him and Jessica in person.

Another big event I've just missed is the birth of my nephew, Greyson Dean McKean. Jenny, who many of you know as Scarlet Threads' distribution manager, gave birth to this precious little bundle just a couple of days ago! Mom and baby are doing well, and I'm sure that Jenny is especially glad to have him in her arms now... Aren't they both beautiful?

In other baby-baking news, we are just a few days from officially entering the 6th month. Before I can blink my eyes, we're going to have a picture like the one above. It's still hard to believe, but made slightly easier by the increasing amount of movement. (I actually saw the baby kick me last night. It was a little Alien-esque, to be perfectly honest. And it made me laugh. I think it just freaked Jacob out.)

Random question.  Jacob and I are really trying to keep our life as simple as possible when it comes to the baby, and not amassing tons of trinkets and toys.  But, we know there are a few things that would probably be invaluable, some of which might be hard to find in China.  We have a few people who have offered to serve as couriers on their trips to China in the next couple of months and bring us things we need.  For you mommas out there, if you had to choose one or two items from your days with a newborn, what would they be?  We're gathering ideas and putting together a list so that we have ample time to get the true essentials ordered and sent to these kind folks. 

At the foster home's adorable-beyond-description triathlon this week.

We are doing well. I have finally entered the no-barfing stage of pregnancy. And, my energy level is mostly back up to normal. And, this is the best time of year in Beijing weather-wise. In fact, last weekend Jacob and I went on a scooter ride through a neighboring village, and it was one of those moments I wanted to freeze in time, for the day when I no longer see everything as being so commonplace...

a little boy harvesting onions with his grandpa. a smile as big as the great wall plastered across his face.  a toothless man with a bright smile selling peaches on the side of the road. a hunched-over little old lady who came by while i was buying some. he gave her all the ones with bad spots.  the sheep grazing beside the canal; their shepherd reclining on the grass hill.  a village with flowers planted along the road's edge. someone wanted the area beautiful, which honestly isn't something that gets thought about much in most villages.  a group of old men playing mah jong in front of their homes. grandmas with babies in the park.  an actual sunset.  the sky was clear and the sun was orange. laughing and pointing children calling out laowai (foreigner) and shouting hello.  riding on a narrow road through corn fields, almost ready for harvest.  farmers with their bikes parked beside the road, bending over in the fields. 

 It is the side of China I love.  It is the side of China I wish I could show you.    

A DOGgone Goodbye

Jess, we don't want you to go.  And neither does our dog. 

LeLe LOVES going to the parties in New Day's backyard.  It means 40+ people who are (mostly) willing to shower her with affection and the occasional table scrap.  I just thought this picture from our going-away party for Jess was really cute... of both of them. 

I'm really not the kind of person who takes my dog to social events. (Though I guess the picture suggests otherwise.)  I'm just lazy.  If I get one of my friend's kids to stop by my apartment and pick up our dog on her way to the parties that always happen immediately after work, LeLe gets like 2 hours outside and I don't have to walk her when I get home.  Hmmmm... which is worse - being "that kind of person" or admitting to sheer laziness?

We're doing well here.  For the first time in five months, I've had 2 days in a row where I felt like my normal self!  I'm super-excited about that.