Sep 16, 2010

Words Like Water

Sometimes the words come like water in a stream… flowing quickly; smoothing out the rough places in my heart.

Other times they are like a leaky faucet… barely dripping; hinting at the force held back by the cinched-tight handles.

I don't understand why sometimes the words flow and other times they don't; all I know is that when they don't, I miss them. I feel like part of me is gone -- absent and forgotten in the busy day-to-day. These last few months feel dry… my mind is wrapped up elsewhere - with never-ending lists and impending motherhood and a bustling foster home and a growing sewing company. But my heart longs to spill out in words.

So many things I want to share…

Her tears came with a choking cry. "I miss her!" was all she could utter before the sobs came out. A staff member at the foster home looking at pictures of a recently adopted little one… happy Kodak moments trigger tears of longing for the one who used to hold her small hand. I wonder if the adoptive families know how much their children are loved? How much they are missed? I wonder at the strength of the human heart… able to love when it knows it will lose. I'm amazed at her momma-heart, aching for the little girl she loved… finding room to love another.

-----

I met them as they were climbing out of the car. A new baby, just arrived. Three months old but looks like a newborn; the only thing that gives her age away is her bright and alert eyes, craning to find mine as she nestles into my arms. Cradling her against my chest, I quickly discover she prefers to be tightly cuddled facing in -- safer that way. I think I understand; I would do the same. Asian babies have bluish-black eyes when they are born… the color of stormy seas. Hers reflect the first stormy weeks of her life. Born and abandoned and already moved at least 3 times… She fits snug against my chest, little feet dangling inches from the place where my own baby's heart beats. As I hold her close, I whisper a prayer for her mother. I know how throughout my own day, my thoughts often turn to the baby swirling and dancing within. How would you turn those thoughts off? Just because your arms are empty does not mean your heart forgets… I wish her mama could count her toes and see her stormy eyes. I wish she could know that she was being held with arms of love.

-----

I am surrounded by what can go wrong. Yet I have a peace that passes understanding. I don't assume that this baby will be born healthy, though of course it is my prayer. But I do have the deepest peace I can imagine having… that no matter what is around the next corner, it's going to be ok. We will be equipped and encouraged and sustained. Yet this peace astonishes me. We're having our first baby in a foreign country, far from the comforts of home and the wisdom of family. Our future is uncertain, to say the least. I spend my days with children whose special needs widen the eyes of the most seasoned doctors, so I don't assume it-won't-happen-to-me. I breathe dirty air, eat questionable food, ride in cars without seat belts, and drink uncertain water. Yet I truly have a deep and abiding peace. I often wonder where God is when I pray. Where are the answers that I seek? Sometimes it seems I'm mostly talking to the sky. But I've come to realize that sometimes He answers so quietly and intimately that I don't even know He has answered. He is closer than my skin, and right now I see it and I feel it.  In spite of all the reasons I might have to worry, I find that I am not -- astonishing, most of all, to myself... for I know this is not something I'm accomplishing by mere act of will.

15 comments:

Kim said...

WOW! Carrie. Thank you for sharing this "stream" of beautiful words. There is no greater gift than the peace that comes from being in His will. You've described a fulfillment and contentment that only comes through living close to Him. And He is clearly revealing a transformed you ... as you grow more and more into His likeness. The unselfish love and you and your staff give without consider for your own breaking hearts is humbling. You all are my heros.
Love & Blessings from Hong Kong,
Kim

Debby said...

Your words captured those tiny treasures in time perfectly.....

Thank you for sharing them.

Tara Anderson said...

Love you and praying for you...those are the only words I have right now except for "Thank you for sharing your heart like this."

Suzy said...

I'm so glad you have peace! It's an enormous blessing during a pregnancy (or any other time!). Thanks for loving the children & their caregivers, and for your empathy with parents who have relinquished their precious babies.

Jenna said...

Beautiful.......and I can understand having a peace and knowing it is not a "mere act of will". I know it well! :)

Praying for you!

Tami said...

Wow Carrie...this is so, so beautiful. I find I think about, and pray for Sophie's bio mom more and more as our bond and love grows as mother and daughter. Sophie is just so special, and I PRAY that God bestows upon her bio mom's heart an understanding and peace that Sophie is OK. No, I can't imagaine how you could ever forget. I would love for her to 'see Sophie now;-)'. I would LOVE for Sophie to be able to know her biological mom. I know as Sophie grows older and she starts to grasp all that has happened, she will have so many questions and a void that she will have to carry. I rest in the hope, and promise that all the questions will be answered, the emptiness filled and will ALL be together one day.

Congratulations;-)!!!

Tami

Learning Together at Home said...

Carrie - I can't even begin to describe what I am feeling right now. But thank you for it. When we spoke in person all those months ago at ND, I heard your heart for all the first Moms and what I heard reflected what I feel so deeply as my kids grow and change. Thank you. God is transforming you and He's doing it for the good of all of us out here too. I agree with Tami when she said that there is a one day, future reunion that we can hope and I am so thankful for that hope. Shelley

The Ferrill's said...

Oh Carrie....that peace really does pass all understanding. We pray daily for the salvation of our childrens' birth moms and foster parents. It is all we can do, and I know He hears our prayers. When you said He is closer than skin...I have felt that so much lately myself.
I know there are empty arms for those nannies and foster parents who have to say good-bye when their children are adopted; may God fill those arms and hearts to overflowing with His love.
Thank you for being so honest and real and obedient. I've heard so much that "obedience brings blessing". Sometimes those blessings are earthly, and sometimes they're in the Heavenlies. I think that our obedience brings us closer to His heart.
Love your words, I know they are HIS!
praying for yall everydaY...

Kristi said...

Oh how I pray for the birthmother of all three of my children. Sometimes my heart aches for them in a way that I can't explain to anyone. Your words are so beautiful!

mel said...

Carrie, I am so in awe of how GOD uses your beautiful words to touch our hearts. I'm so excited about the baby swirling inside your womb. You and Jacob already make great parents. Our Ladies prayer group meets on Tuesday mornings and you and your family are always in our prayers. Mike and I are now at Faith Bible Church. Worley Kennedy is the minister. God Bless you three!!!

Sharie said...

My daughter will be 6 tomorrow. Of course my thoughts, my prayers go to her first family, but I often forget all of those who touched her life those long nine months before I was her mom. Thank you for reminding me of all of the love that made her who she is today.
Peace!

Toyin O. said...

How precious are those children. May God continue to bless your ministry!

http://youcanfacetodaybecausehelives.blogspot.com

Tori said...

Carrie, your words speak to deep places in my soul. Always thinking of the first mother, the one that is left behind, without her small treasure. As we save to bring one of these precious ones home, thank you for bringing my heart and thoughts back to her. Praying for your own bundle of joy, and thankful for the peace that passes our understanding. May it continue to guard your heart and mind.

THE OLD GEEZER said...

I added myself to follow your blog. You are more than welcome to visit mine and become a follower if you want to.

God Bless You ~Ron

Walking to China said...

"Just because your arms are empty, your heart does not forget." Amen. Beautifully spoken.

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