What I Need

A friend here at the foster home snapped this shot when I was getting to play videographer for a family meeting their daughter for the very first time. Unfortunately for them, video is not my forte. Hopefully it isn't too terrible. I had a hard time tearing my eyes away from those first few moments of interaction long enough to make sure that the camera was still focused on them. I'm hopeful the end result of my time behind the camera isn't a bunch of shots of the cement. Andrea, I'm sorry if it is.

I'm still in awe that I get to be a part of moments like this.  To see a family forming is a beautiful thing.  I know the road ahead will have highs/lows, but these first few moments are almost always breathtaking.  I am always awed by how God provides just what these children and families need... there's something truly holy about the moment they come together.

And yet in my own life, I don't often remain in a place of trust that God will provide just what I need.  Sometimes I do - and I write touching words about how he is "closer than my skin" - but give me 24 hrs, and you'll find me frantically trying to construct safety nets and back-up plans.  On Sunday, our teacher said something that is really convicting me right now.  We often like to say things like "seek and you will find" or "Draw near to Him and He'll draw near to you."  But then the places where we seek and draw near are often places that we've already surrendered.  Those "last frontiers" of our hearts -- where we are truly broken and need His healing most of all -- those places stay firmly under lock and key.  Firmly under the protection of our safety nets and backup plans.

Over the last year or so, I've come to know what many of those places in my heart are.  But I don't know how to surrender them.  I want to trust Him, for I know that there is healing as I draw near.  There is shelter in His wing.  There is protection and provision if I stay in His shadow.  I know all the right things, but I find that I am my biggest hurdle in truly accepting them.  How do you reconcile the "head knowledge" of who He is with the heart's fears about who He's not?

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We're 26 weeks into this journey toward parenthood, and though I know we only have about 3 months left, I'm having a hard time wrapping my mind around it.  We still don't have a name for this baby; we have some pretty firm ideas on girl names, but still no boy names - and since this little babe is going to be a surprise, we need a better plan than "boy" for the male gender. I feel like we've hit a bit of a wall, as I keep suggesting the same names to Jacob and he keeps vetoing them.

Clearly he doesn't know what a "good name" is.

So for the most part, we've just stopped thinking about names.

I thought I'd ask you guys to chip in some ideas... I'm warning you, we're pretty picky so don't be surprised if we go with something entirely different than anything suggested. Here are a few general things we like: short names (1-2 syllables) that go well with our last name (McKean; pronounced McCain). Names that aren't easily shortened or turned into nicknames. Creative/uncommon names (not in the top 50 or anything), but not weird names. A name with a good meaning is a plus.  Names that aren't confusing to pronounce.