One.

And so you are one.

A couple weeks young and fresh.

Where did these last 365 days go to?  It feels like yesterday when the doctor announced "It's a girl!" and I announced I was so glad that I wasn't pregnant anymore.  (That really was the first thing that came to mind...)  And they laid you on my chest and the nurses started admiring your double eyelids, a mark of beauty in many Asian countries.

What none of us knew then, since none of us really knew then you, is that what makes you most beautiful is your heart.  It is so full of life, love, and joy - it nearly overwhelms me!

With your great-grandma.

Just last week, you ran around the dining room of your great-grandmother's retirement home, shrieking at all the residents and stopping at nearly every table to give them your trademark scrunched-up nose/eye smile and your high-pitched, joy-filled, "HIIIIII!"  I loved watching you.  And watching them.  You could feel the joy build in the room... people were laughing and smiling and vying for your attention.  And you weren't stingy with affection.  You had joy to share and you freely gave it; I feel blessed that I get to share you with others.  One of the ladies told me you were the highlight of her week.  Sweet girl, you are the highlight of my life.

Kissing your other great-grandma.

You spent the Christmas holidays kissing your cousins.  You love children (and dogs) more than anything, but neither are willing to stay still long enough for you to kiss as much as you'd like.  You're generous in your kisses for me, but not your daddy.  I think you enjoy teasing him.  I see it in the sparkle in your eye as you coyly turn your face from his kiss.  I want to tell him he shouldn't be surprised... after all, you are a girl.  You want to be pursued.  I love picturing the woman you will become under his gentle love.  Girls need daddies more than anything, and you have a good one.  Even if you won't kiss him.

Your turn at the China birthday party.

I got the most amazing gift today... a picture in my email.  Your life is celebrated and cherished not just by me and your family, but also by the rest of our family half a world away.  They lit a candle and sang a song for you during the monthly birthday party at the foster home.  I pray that as you grow, you always have an extra-large space in your heart for the place you "came from," as some of our friends over there like to say.  I want you to know the people who loved and nurtured us even as we were just learning to love and nurture you.  I want you to know that the world - with all its diversity and difference - is brimming with God's goodness.  His hand is on all people in all places, and you can be an instrument of love and joy for all people in all places you go.  May you always have the courage and bravery of spirit that you have now -- to confidently walk into an unknown place and bring His love to any you meet, regardless of how different they may look or sound or be.

As I rocked you to sleep last night, you stared up at me in the darkness, those big grey-blue eyes unblinking and still.  And I started talking to you.  Telling you that you are precious and such a gift.  Telling you about our Father who loves you more than anything, just as you are right now.  You don't need to be better, or stronger, or kinder, or smarter, or prettier, or anything more than who He created you to be.  I whispered these things to you.  I will keep telling you until the words are written on your heart.  If you bring Him half as much joy as you bring me, His heart must be swelling.  I know it is.  I can see it in your eyes and hear it in your laughter.

At Christmas.

I love rocking you... I'm thankful you still let me.  Some nights I wish you could go to sleep on your own, especially after talking to other mamas who seem to have sleeping-machines for children, but most of the time I realize just how short these days truly are and I don't wish them away.  I realize that they'll be gone in a flash.  I think about how I already miss the cooing, sweet infant I held this time last year.  And how I miss the naps you used to take curled up on my chest.  So sweet girl, I'll keep rocking you as long as you'll let me.  It's all going a bit too fast for me anyway... slowing down to rock you to sleep might make it last just a little bit longer.

Love,
Mama

Happy Halloween!

She's just so sweet...

So sweet she might just give us all toothaches.

Sweet Girl

Oh sweet girl, you are growing up too fast! Yesterday you started trying to walk. I admire your bravery and perseverance. I know you are compelled to move on to the next big thing, but so often in my life, I give up when I fall down. But I'm watching you stand back up again and take one more halting step. (I think the cloth diapers help. Lots of padding for the falls.)

It seems the last few weeks, my baby is gone and a fledgling toddler is in her place. You've discovered how to open cabinet doors, and now your favorite thing of all is helping me to unload them. So far, I haven't gotten any locks. I've just moved some things up and away and let you enjoy the rest... after all, a little mess is a small price to pay for the joy of discovery.

And the dishwasher and the dryer and the bathroom drawers... you love to unload, unpack, undo all these things. Daddy's sock in my craft drawer. A small bottle of lotion in the dryer. You're also learning to put things in places, and so I often find little Cora treasures hidden in unlikely spots. And the TV. You discovered the power button. So now we have a piece of cardboard blocking the funnest game in town.

You love to eat... but lately it has mostly only been if you are the one in control of what goes into your mouth. So you feed yourself lots of snacks. Gumming sliced bananas while I feed you yogurt/cereal/applesauce is currently your favorite breakfast. It surprises me how much you can get down.

One of your favorite places in our little apartment is the balcony. We live on the third floor, and so you have a bird's eye view up here. You crawl out there and hold onto the rails and shout at the top of your lungs. Sometimes there are passers-by who look up and talk to you. And sometimes it is just the birds. But you definitely have a lot to say. Sometimes you sit out there with a bucket of water and cups. Emptying the bucket is a great way to pass an afternoon... and a little water never hurt anyone.

Speaking of having a lot to say, we think you might be a little Chinese after all. The Chinese have this amazing ability to have whole conversations in a series of grunts. Your Dad, a man of few words, thinks it is particularly useful. And lately it's been the way you "talk" to us, too. You make a grunt, and someone repeats your sound. You make another one, and there is a retort. And the game goes on. and on. and on.

You haven't been sleeping so well lately. Afte sleeping through the night a few times to show me you could, you recently decided that you don't have to do that. After all, I suppose some 3:00 am cuddles are a nice little break from the quietness of your bed. I won't pretend I always do it gracefully. You had me in tears the other night when you wouldn't let me put you down from midnight to 3:00. But then I remembered how I had wished just a few days before that you would take one more nap on my chest, so I lay down on the couch with you curled under the crook of my neck and we both slept. (You better than me.)

Some tell me I should just let you cry it out. But I can't. I spent too many years with babies who stopped crying because no one ever came. I can meet your needs, and so I do. I trust that someday you'll grow to be an independent little girl, but right now you can be a dependent little baby. I love every moment, and sometimes I wish I could slow it all down... for it is moving far too quickly. But I hear it just keeps getting better and better, so instead of wishing you'd slow down, I think I'll just try to enjoy the ride.

I love you sweet girl. You are such a gift.

These Days

So where have I been?  Well to be honest, I have my hands full.

With this...

And this...

And some of this, too...

Oh, and I almost forgot this...

It's been busy, to say the least. And on top of that, she's starting to teeth. So my sweet little happy baby has turned into a crankasaurus. It has been a little umm... shall we say difficult around here lately?

But to be honest... it is something more, too.  I've been in a funk lately, too.  Questioning a lot of stuff - like my purpose outside of motherhood.  The "reason" for the life path we've taken and some of the experiences we've had and the effect they've had on us.  What my identity is and why I feel so restless/lost sometimes.  (On some days it seems like diaper-changer would be an adequate title.)

And the strange thing is... all of these feelings (though I know they are pretty normal) end up making me feel crazy-guilty because just look at the gift I've been given!  Why can't I just be content?

No answers really... just questions. 

Da Da Da

So lately Cora has been trying to say Daddy. At first we thought she was just making random sounds, and didn't want to be "those parents." You know, the ones who think every gurgle and babble is a budding treatise on the state of world peace.

But lately, she's become much more intentional about it... When he comes home from work, she'll say it when he walks in the door, and the other morning she was repeating it over and over in her crib as he got ready to go to work. It's funny, she always whispers "da da da" when she's talking to him or about him... otherwise her babbling is quite loud.

After I took this video, I replayed it to make sure the sound worked before uploading. Cora could hear our recorded voices, and she was quiet and listening until she heard me say "Say Daddy" on the video... then she started whispering "Da, Da, Da" all over again. So, I do think this is a legitimate effort at calling out to him. Smart girl. She's well on her way to having him completely wrapped around her finger.

You can catch another one of her "talking games" on this video.  The last week or so, she loves to talk back and forth with anyone who will repeat the sounds she's making.  In the beginning she was doing a bit of that.  It didn't last long in the video, but sometimes the game goes on for quite a while.

Oh, and does she say mama yet? Only when she's whining and crawling across the floor to me. It's never in this sweet and cute little voice.

Now.

She is 7 months old now.

She's giving me kisses now. 
First thing in the morning, especially.  Big, open-mouthed, sloppy wet kisses.  But they are the sweetest things, and make me laugh.  It is hard to believe she is old enough to be kissing.  And she's also old enough to coyly withhold them from daddy.

She's crawling everywhere now. 
And her favorite place to go?  Into the bathroom where she knows I've tucked away the dog food.  If she gets too quiet, I can be sure she's making a beeline for the open bathroom door, and more than once I've dug crunchy bits of food out of her clenched-down jaw.  Honestly I wouldn't care so much, except right now it could make her choke. 

She's full of curiousity now. 
She loves playing peek-a-boo and going outside.  She adores the water.  She watches everything so intently... you can just see her little wheels turning.  When we walk up the stairs, she giggles and giggles if she's in her daddy's arms and she can lean over and see me on the landing below.  That bird's eye perspective provides endless amusement right now.

The other day Jacob walked in the front door of our apartment after a long day at work.  Cora and I were sitting on the couch; I was doing something on the computer.  I looked over my shoulder and said, "Oh, hey there," and turned back to what I was doing.  But I caught a glimpse of Cora as I turned away from him.  She was still looking right at him, and her eyes lit up and a wide smile spread across her face.  She started squealing and giggling. 

I was distracted and busy - dealing with something that seemed so pressing at the moment. I offered a casual hello and went back to my own concerns... my own self-absorption.  But not Cora.  She had no concerns beyond the present moment.  And at that moment, Daddy was home.  She had nothing but pure joy for the gift of now.  At that exact moment, getting scooped up in Daddy's arms was the only thing that mattered in her universe.  She was fully present, fully alive, fully soaking in the joy of right now.

And I thought, "Have faith like a child."

Isn't that just what it is?  Faith?  Trusting that right now is all we really need?  Faith that God has given us good gifts for this moment to be enjoyed, savored, and loved and from that a trust that whatever comes next will also be held in His palm?  I want to learn this from my baby girl... how to stake down my tent in the land of right now.  How to soak up every beautiful moment for all that it is; for just like the last 7 months, it will pass far too quickly. 

Myopic Motherhood

It seems like my world revolves around nap schedules and diaper changes, and my brain seems consumed with the one pressing question: Why is she still getting up 4 times a night?  What can I do to help her sleep on her own?

In my bible study last week, I was sharing that sometimes motherhood feels myopic to me.  Until 7 months ago, my focus was on hundreds of children.  Now it is on one.  Don't misunderstand me… I LOVE being Cora's mama.  Every single day I am thankful that I get to spend my time with her, and I am soaking in every single moment. 

But the monotony of motherhood - the diapers, feedings, naps, laundry - sometimes rattles me.  I'm silent on this blog nowadays… mostly because I feel like I have nothing to say.  (And little time to say it.)  I know that is a lie, planted in my head by the one who wants to dishearten me from my task.  But it is hard to feel valuable, meaningful, and relevant when I am spending considerable portions of my day scanning the floor for potential choking hazards.

(Because she will find them.)

I know what I'm doing matters.  I know it is the most important job I could have right now.  I know all the right things we mama's say to each other.  And I do know they are true.  But some days there is a disconnect between what I know and what I feel, and what I feel is sometimes that I have lost a bit of myself somewhere along the way… lost the part of me that has a big heart for the forgotten and an energy and a drive to make a difference.  It's a little scary, confusing, and even discouraging at times - I just don't feel like I have much to emotionally offer to the causes I was so passionate about just a few short months ago. 

I guess that's why I feel motherhood can be a bit myopic.  All my focus on one, when part of my heart still desires to focus on the others.  But last week, in my study of 1 Peter for bible study, a particular passage jumped out at me.  It was an odd one - the first time I read it, I honestly thought that it didn't even apply to me, so I skipped ahead.  It's about elders… But then for some reason I came back to it.  (Actually the reason is that this particular study has us reading and journaling about a few verses a day.  You can't really skip a section you don't think is applicable when it is THE section you are supposed to focus on for the day.  It's good for me, because what tends to happen is I find the most conviction/life-change in the passages I initially write off as irrelevant.  Funny how that works.)

Care for the flock that God has entrusted to you.  Watch over it willingly, not grudgingly - not for what you will get out of it, but because you are eager to serve God.  Don't lord it over the people assigned to your care, but lead them by your own good example.  And when the Great Shepherd appears, you will receive a crown of never-ending glory and honor.   
-1 Peter 5:2-4

Willingly, not grudgingly… oh to always have this attitude.  For me, motherhood is the epitome of servanthood; and being a servant isn't glamorous and it doesn't get you acclaim.  I so often struggle with feeling inadequate; not as smart and talented as I once was or as my peers who are still "in the trenches" of orphan care, the workplace, or any other responsibility that doesn't center around a baby. 

But in this passage, God spoke loud and clear to me.  When I'm changing Cora's diaper, or rocking her to sleep, or feeding her in the middle of the night, I'm serving HIM.  Not an earthly boss, but the God of all Creation. 

I'm reading Sacred Parenting by Gary Thomas right now.  It's a great book, not about how to raise your children, but about how raising your children shapes your soul.  Powerful and convicting stuff.  In it, he says anger towards infants is rooted in inconvenience to the parents.  So very true.  The other night, I was rocking Cora for an hour straight!  She STILL wouldn't go to sleep!  I had plans for my evening, for that sacred time after she was asleep, and they were all falling apart with each minute that ticked by.  At one point, I wanted to scream at her: JUST GO TO SLEEP!  And with that I realized, God is using this season of my life to weed out not only pride, but also my self-centeredness.  Putting the "other" before myself is the chief task of motherhood.

But if we're being honest, isn't it the chief task of the Christian walk as well? 

And then it hit me… Being Cora's mama isn't myopic.  It is training ground for a deeper way; a higher calling.  I truly believe God is wanting to develop in me a mother's heart - not just towards my own daughter and my future children, but towards all the people he puts in my life.  My prayer these last few days has been that God will use this season of parenting Cora… a season of high needs and constant demands and never-ending attention… to create in me a nurturing, loving, life-giving, and self-sacrificial heart towards all that He puts in my path. 

What would the world look like if we served those around us the same way we served our children?  Joyfully, with no accounting, no question of whether or not it is deserved -- just served, open-hearted and open-handed, in whatever relationships He puts us in? 

It'd be revolutionary.

And She's Off...

She's officially going to be into EVERYTHING.

My days of "sit there and play with that toy" are 100 percent over.

Watch out world, she's on the move.

Meet Me in St. Louis

So first of all, WAY TO GO EVERYONE!  The second matching grant fundraiser challenge was met.  Which means so far in the last couple of months, $14,000 was raised for the NDFH medical/surgical fund.  I'd love to see this momentum keep going.

This last week, Cora and I had the chance to go to St. Louis, MO and a little town in Illinois to visit some dear friends from China.

On the trip, Cora had a great time meeting lots of new animals. Seriously, I don't know where this child gets it, but she LOVES dogs in particular. At Amber's grandparents house, she fell for this giant, sweet dog named Jack. But let's just say he didn't share the infatuation. She seemed to terrify him, and he'd back across the room if she scooted towards him. And then at Deanie's house, she loved watching the dog and cat "fight." I caught it on video; unfortunately, it is pretty dark.

But even though the video is dark, there's other examples of Cora's animal love. Maybe a she has a future as a Vet? I know her auntie Jane would love that... :)

Cora and the very wary Jack.

Beyond playing with animals, we did a lot of eating.  Cora tried many new foods, and loved just about all of them.  So did I.  She ate teething biscuits, blueberry baby crackers, a dreamsicle popsicle, and just about anything we could come up with to put in her little teether pouch.  In fact, my friends teased us and said we often looked just alike at mealtime.  I see their point.

So our visit was so wonderful. We met our friend Amber, who worked with us in China, and her sister Kayla in St. Louis and then drove to IL where we met Deannie and Joy. Deannie was an English teacher at New Day in China, and Joy used to be on staff in China. But now she's going to college in the USA. It isn't easy being an international student, but Joy is doing a great job... she made all A's her first semester! You may remember hearing Joy's story... it is quite inspiring! And, she still needs help with her schooling, if anyone feels particularly burdened by that need. Just drop me an email and I can put you in contact with her.

While we were there, Amber took pictures of Cora. I posted many of them in a facebook album, but you can get a sneak peak here. Click on the pictures below to see the others!

I must say, having a professional photographer as a friend is a big perk in life.  :)

And when we got home, Cora learned a new trick.

That's right, friends.  She is now sitting up.  She did it for the first time yesterday afternoon and has been acting like an old pro ever since.

And for those who need still more Cora photos; namely the grandparents and other family, I also posted an album of pictures from Cora's sixth month on facebook.  Just click here to check it out!

Dear Cora

Dear Cora,

You are six months old today, and I'm astonished at how quickly the months have flown. At this rate, I guess we'll be celebrating your first birthday in about a week. Sometimes I wish I could slow it down, but then I'm enjoying each and every day with you, and so I can't really say that I want to go back in time.

At 6 months old, you are:

• Rolling all OVER the place. And getting into everything.
• Thoroughly enjoying your walker. And getting into everything. One of your favorite things to do is push LeLe's water bowl around the room with your walker, making a massive mess and getting a huge kick out of the noise it makes scraping the floor.
• Pushing yourself up into a human arch. Hands on the ground, toes on the ground, the rest of you a rainbow over the floor. (I admire your strength. I think you are much stronger/more flexible than me. I know this because in a recent pilates class, one of the positions was something you do all the time, and I could barely even begin to do it.)
• Learning new noises, facial expressions, and sounds every day. Some of them are scary - like a few weeks ago when you sounded like you were gasping for air while nursing. And some of them are funny - like when you blow raspberries. But mostly they are just loud - shrieking, hollering, yelling, bellowing. and accompanied by the most amusing facial expressions.
• Loving food. You like pomegranate popsicles, strawberries, mango, banana, avocado, whipped cream, ice cream, snow cones, sweet potato, mashed potatoes, and just about anything else we let you try. (Which is just about anything we eat.) You still mostly breastfeed - you aren't even eating solids every day yet - but you are enjoying the experience of expanding your taste buds. The one thing that seems to make you grimace especially bad is rice cereal. But that's ok. It's so bland it'd make me grimace, too.
• Enjoying the swimming pool, and the bathtub too. But you make such a bit mess with the bathtub, kicking up a storm, that I sometimes let you go an extra day between baths.

The many faces of Cora trying strawberries for the first time.  And though it looks like she might have been crying in one of the shots, she really wasn't.  Just really, really grimacing.  (She likes them now.)

Your Dad and I were talking yesterday about how amazingly fast you have changed. From a little baby who just a few short months ago mostly just ate and slept, you now have such a personality… laughing at the dog, playing peek-a-boo, smiling at anyone who looks your way, and calling out when you aren't getting the attention you know you deserve. Your world is coming alive, and it is beautiful to see. We were on an airplane recently, and when the steward came over the speaker to instruct everyone to prepare for takeoff, you craned your head upward, searching the ceiling for the source of the voice. It's like I could almost see the connections forming in your little mind… voices have faces, where is this voice's face?!

You're always getting told you are beautiful, and you are! Of course I think so, too. But when a stranger on the street comments on your beauty, I always try to reply, "Thank you. And she's such a sweet baby, too." Dear child, I want you to grow up remembering from the earliest days that I don't value you for your beauty, but for your heart.

We've chosen a pediatrician. She's a woman. The church we've been attending has a female pastor on staff. I told your dad that this is how I want you to grow up, surrounded by women doing things that sometimes aren't seen as the "norm" in our culture. I want you to know that you can do/be whatever you want, and I want you to see examples of women fulfilling their myriad callings from the earliest of ages. Your gender is a strength, sweet child. In a world that often undervalues women and globally subjects them to many injustices, I want you to be proud of your femininity and grow into a strong yet gentle woman with a compassionate and gracious heart. I pray you will confidently move in the world with mercy, peace, and a quiet dignity that comes from knowing who you are and to whom you belong.

For your six month birthday, you slept nearly all night! From 10pm to 5am, waking only to eat and then sleeping until 9! I think it was one of the longest stretches of sleep you've ever had. I guess for your half-birthday, you were giving me a gift. There are so many little details I want to remember from this time. Like the groaning noise you make as you try to fall asleep. Or the way you act when your Dad tosses you in the air; you get this little look of fear on your face before you start laughing at the top of each toss - like you don't know what to think yet. Last night I was holding you as you slept, and I tried to memorize the way your body would get a little bit heavier with each passing moment as you fell a bit more deeply asleep and relaxed a bit more. Someday I know I will want to remember the way that felt.

Good morning, Cora!  

(Taken right after she woke up on her 6 month birthday.)

Right now I am your favorite person in the whole world. You have started crying when I drop you off at nursery, and usually I can't handle it for more than a few minutes. And even when your Dad comes home from work and wants to play with you, your eyes are searching the room to find me. Sometimes it is overwhelming - like when I need to do something else, but you need me. (In times like those, I just put you in the sling or the Moby Wrap and just go about my business.) But I know someday down the road, you are going to be more independent and not want to be with me all the time, so I just remind myself to treasure the gift of today - even if it sometimes feels like a burden.

Cora, I want you to know that I am doing my best to give you what you need. But so many days I doubt myself… voices from both sides tell me there's a better way, whether the subject is you sleeping through the night or what to feed you. A few weeks ago, I was nearly immobilized by the voices… uncertain which way to go for fear of doing it wrong. But then I met a Zambian mother in the pool. She has a baby your age, and she laughed as she said, "You Americans! You try to make things so hard! She will sleep through the night when she is ready, and if you try to make it happen sooner, it will just be hard on both of you. She's just a little baby, and you are her mama. You know her best. In Zambia, we hold the babies when they cry and we nurse them to sleep and we don't try to make them grow up so quickly. It is a lot easier that way." Her words jolted me awake and reminded me that there isn't a right way that works for everyone. I can only do what works for us, and responding to your needs when you cry is what works for us now… so that is what I will do. And that is what I will try to continue to do as we continue down this path of becoming a mother/daughter… I'm just going to go one day at a time, with lots of prayers and lots of love.

All my heart,
Mama

Snortin'

Ok, these two videos are just simply awesome...

So Cora discovered her "snort" the day before yesterday. So since then, we've been hearing a lot of this:

But when she laughs, as she did while watching Jacob and LeLe play, the snort takes center stage. Warning: It is a known fact that baby laughs are contagious; so watching this video might make you laugh so hard you'll pee your pants. Consider yourself warned.

-----

And did you hear about the new Mama doing a matching grant fundraiser for NDFH? Another family decided to sponsor a $2,000 matching grant fundraiser... You'll have to read their story. I think it is beautiful... how many families have adopted children who have benefitted from surgeries funded by others? Now we have a chance to "pay it forward" and give the gift of life to another child and the gift of that child to their someday adoptive family.

Undoubtedly inspired by how quickly everyone raised $5,000 go be matched, they offered to do another $2,000! When the matches are in, folks, that would be a total of $14,000! We are just $1,800 away from reaching the total goal of $14,000! That's small potatoes, people! I know several people wrote and said they didn't get a chance to donate the last time, because it ended so quickly! Well, here's your chance! Same cause/same place/different ChipIn widget. My hairbow offer is still in effect, if that somehow is a motivator! :)  Oh, and for convenience, I put the new ChipIn widget up on my blog... feel free to do the same on yours!  But you should still go read their story.

Such Fun

So I've already posted these videos to facebook, so if you're friends with me there and enjoy watching videos of my daughter as much as I do (heh.), then you've probably already seen all of these. But, I know some people don't use Facebook (hi Laine and Grandma!), so I wanted to be sure to share them here, too.

Because one can never have too much cuteness.

(Note to my grandma: If you want to watch these, just click the triangle button in the middle or bottom left of each video with your mouse! They should play automatically.)

Standing Tall!

A Little Dip

Giggle Box

Chomping

Got an appetite, maybe?!

Roller Coaster

It was 9:45, and I was ready for bed.  But she was still up and couldn't calm herself down.  Jacob kissed me as he went to bed, "Goodnight," he whispered, in the dark room.

I kept rocking... humming a lullaby, but not really present in the moment.  Instead I was wishing I were going to bed at that moment too.  I longed for the day, maybe a year from now, when she goes down at night and falls asleep on her own and sleeps a solid 8 hours.

But then I remembered roller coasters.

When I was a kid and we'd go to the amusement park, I'd ride the roller coasters over and over again - more times than I really wanted - just because I knew it'd be the last time for a while.  When I knew the time to leave was approaching, I'd carefully plot my last few rides to make the most of every moment.

And this is a roller coaster.

There will be a day, not too far down the road, when she won't need or even want me to rock her to sleep.  There will be a day, not too far down the road, when I won't be feeding her in the quiet hours of the night, when I can see the shadows her eyelashes cast on her cheeks and the only sound I hear is the steady cadence of her sucking and swallowing.

And on that day, I'll wish I could take just one more ride on this roller coaster... one more rocking, one more cradling, one more moment at 2 am watching her sleep as she eats.  And I whispered a silent prayer as she finally gave in to sleep, "Help me to soak in every beautiful moment and cease wishing my life away."

Responsible Parenting

First of all, before I tell you just how uh-MAZE-ing of a mama I am, can I just say PRAISE JESUS for the response you guys gave to the matching grant drive?!  We MADE it!  With a few weeks to spare, I might add!  I am uber-excited... especially since I just got an email today from NDFH saying that they are bringing in two little ones with very severe heart problems... medical funds are needed more than ever.  And if you were going to give, but hadn't done it yet, don't let the end of the drive stop you.  This is one of the most urgent needs NDFH has, and donations are welcome anytime...

******

So, on to the stories.

I'm really observant... let me assure you.  I watch my daughter like a hawk.

Obviously.

So we were in the Houston airport on a layover during our recent trip back to Midland from Portland where Cora and I were visiting my grandparents.  Cora was rolling around on a blanket at my feet, and I was chatting with the lady next to me.  I had slid my shoes off, and could feel Cora at my ankles, happily playing and rolling around.

And then the ticket agent came up to me.

"Umm, excuse me," she said.

I smiled, "Yes."

"Umm... I don't think you realize this," she paused, "But your daughter is sucking on your shoe."

And by golly, she was.  Had the whole thing in her mouth and was licking the bottom of it.  I am not too finicky about germs, but that grossed even me out.  I earned lots of points for watching my daughter that day.

********

And then today, at the grocery store checkout line...  I was in front of the cart paying my bill, while Cora was sitting in her car seat facing away from me.  The lady behind me in line all of a sudden interrupted my transaction.  I thought she was going to tell me how adorable my little girl was.  (Because, of course, she is.  I mean look at her!!!)

But instead, it was another stellar parenting moment being brought to my attention by a complete stranger.

"Your daughter is eating your shopping list, I think."

She was ever-so-polite, acting as if it were the most normal thing in the world.  I leaned around the cart, expecting some little corner of the list in her mouth.  But instead, I found Cora's mouth STUFFED with paper.  I mean seriously, if she'd swallowed... well, don't want to think about it.  I generally try to keep choking hazards away from her, but evidently I have my off days.

Next time I won't let her play with the shopping list.  Lesson learned.

Roundup

I keep thinking eventually I'll get back to blogging more frequently, but until then... it's just a roundup.

I'm officially the mother of a 5 month old.  (Pictures on facebook!)  Which, in our case, means I'm back to feeling inept again.  I had just sort of "figured her out," and now all bets are off and she's a puzzle every day.  Take naptime.  I'm trying to "wean" her from her requirement of either sleeping in the swing, her carseat (while driving - car stops and those eyes pop open faster than I can open the door), or my arms.  But she isn't a fan of sleeping in her bed unswaddled... (we swaddle her at night still - which is a whole 'nother story for another paragraph).  So it's usually a series of very short naps until waking herself with flailing arms... this repeats until she finally exhausts herself and sleeps deeply for an hour or more.  I'm not sure it is working... or if it is even worth it.  Maybe I should just rely on the swing.

So swaddling... yeah... we have a Miracle Blanket, which is seriously a miracle-worker, in my humble opinion.  But at 5 months old, she is just now outgrowing it and strong enough to work her way out of it in the middle of the night.  At which point those night monsters known as flailing arms promptly wake her up.  (She's always woken up 2-3 times a night... she hasn't been a "sleep through the night" kind of baby.  But usually when she wakes to eat, she is just barely stirring and goes back to sleep easily.  When the arm monsters attack, she wakes all the way up.)  So, I'm stuck between trying to decide if it is time to "wean" her from that as well.  Or maybe enlist the help of one of my sewing friends to whip up a larger-sized one.  But I'm not sure if I still want to be swaddling her at 17.  Taking the easy way out now and figuring out a way to continue swaddling is awfully tempting though, especially when it concerns my sleep.  Thoughts anyone?

Cora has entered the world of temporary childcare, and she is not a fan.  During my Bible study and at the YMCA, she's spending a few hours a week in the nursery.  I've been impressed with both places and the quality of care, but I think it is too loud for Cora, as she seems to have a nervous breakdown each and every time, which results in me getting paged to come pick her up.  I'm thinking I want to keep pushing through it a little bit longer, though.  For one, in my first pilates class today, I discovered that childbirth left me with no abdominal muscles at all, and I think that needs to be addressed.  I'm honestly too lazy to do it on my own, so a class is good motivation - and it gets me out of the house 3 mornings a week!  Also, I don't want Cora to never be able to stay with a babysitter, so I'm thinking it's probably good for her to get used to childcare a bit.

For those who have heard me say that she "never cries," you may be wondering about this "nervous breakdown."  Well, my baby who never cries has found her voice.  Just the other night she was yelling while Jacob was holding her.  (Seriously - yelling.  Not crying.  Just yelling.)  If I'd look her way, she'd stop.  But if I turned back to what I was doing, it was back with the yelling.  I'd find it sweet that she wants me so much, but honestly sometimes I want a break.

So that's the mothering roundup.  It sounds kinda negative... more so than I mean for it to.  We're actually doing really well and I am enjoying her more every day simply because she's becoming so incredibly fascinated with everything.  It is fun to watch her explore her world.  I just wish she'd let me figure her out.

Next week I am off to Portland, OR!!!  Some of you live up there, and I'd love to meet up, if you have a chance!  Just drop me an email if you are one of those folks, and we'll see if we can arrange something.  Cora and I are going to go see my grandparents for the week.  Yay!  


And the fundraiser for surgeries... so, we're not doing so swell.  It hasn't really changed much in the last few days.  I've kind of dropped the ball and haven't been out there talking it up, but I still believe we can do this ladies and gents!  When I "worked" at the foster home, it always amazed me how easy it was to raise money for things like field trips to the zoo.  We'd put up the challenge, and in less than a few hours, usually every single cent was raised.  Which was AMAZING!  But funds for formula, medical care, and surgeries were a bit harder to come by.  But you want to know what a NDFH field trip to the zoo looks like without funds for surgeries?


Like this:

Photo Credit.

Don't get me wrong, Pandas are adorable... but the picture is a whole lot sweeter when you also capture a wide-eyed little one soaking it all in.  And without medical/surgical funds, NDFH would cease to be able to fulfill its mission.  I know it is more fun to send kiddos on a field trip, but right now I want to make sure that a few more kiddos get the chance to go on a field trip someday, and that's what this is all about.

One thing I love and respect about NDFH is that the leadership feels strongly that we shouldn't always be asking for money.  (But this is my blog, so I can be a bit more direct.)  We want people to give out of a sense of excitement and love, not out of guilt/obligation.  So you probably don't see very many direct pleas from NDFH.  And God is always faithful to provide what is needed, but the reality is... this is a big need.  It always has been and always will be.  Sometimes kiddos pass away on a waiting list, and sometimes the reason they are still on a waiting list is because funds are running low... Without money, there are no surgeries.  I think you get the point.  I shall shut up now.

But I will show you some pictures of bows I recently made...

Remember, a $50 or more donation gets you a fun little bow made with love by me, if you want one!  More details on the fundraiser can be found here.

Things I Learn from Cora, Lesson #247

A bath is not considered complete unless it is followed by a clothes-soiling blowout within one hour.

------

Oh, and I captured her enthusiasm for tasting pickles and cheetos.  We're working on giving her a classy and cultured palate, ya'll.

Life Unpacked

Warning: This post is all over the place.

Do you know how strange it is to unpack belongings you haven't seen for over 3 years? It's a little odd to me some of the things I kept... But there is something comforting and familiar about eating off our own plates again.  At the same time, unpacking has really made the finality of everything apparant.  My heart is starting to wake up to the fact that we aren't going back to China anytime soon... in some ways, I'm OK.  And in others, I'm extremely sad.  Like the day before yesterday... when I stopped in a bookstore to buy a book (that LeLe promptly ate, but that's a story for another day) and saw this on the shelf... I'm pretty sure it was made at New Day's factory, and I touched it and thought about the fact that the person who made it and touched it with their own hands might have bought vegetables from the same vendor I used.  It turned something that normally feels so detached/sterile/inhuman into a deeply personal experience.  Honestly, as goofy as it may seem, I let my hand linger there... just trying to feel connected for a minute.

So I'm on week two of the SAHM/housewife gig.  It isn't easy to be the only one caring for a baby all day long.  (How do those of you with multiple children do it?!)  LeLe, Cora, and I have many deep conversations.  :)  But it is sweet and precious, and I can't imagine having to send her off to daycare every day.  So I'm not complaining... just adjusting.  Jacob has been working longish hours as he gets started... the learning curve is steep, and he's wanting to settle in as soon as possible.  But that means for about 12 hours a day, it is just me and the girls.  We're finding our rhythm...  and I'm enjoying doing SAHM stuff like cooking right now and letting my focus be entirely on my family, but it is a little strange...

I also feel a bit like a "lady who lunches," (though most of my lunches are sandwiches at home).  We do have a couple of friends here in Midland who have completely welcomed us with open arms.  As a result, I already have a women's bible study and play-dates.  Play-dates.  (I think they are more for my sanity than Cora's play.)  But again... a little strange.  For one, it is odd to be totally unscheduled... no commitments or responsibilities.  And, it is strange to be with a group of girls where the conversation mostly focuses on our own children.  It's good, just so very different.  I'm so very thankful for the friendships, but it is an adjustment to go from the world where I was to the world where I am.  I'm sure I'm not navigating it with complete grace, but as a friend reminded me yesterday, I'm trying to be gentle with myself, and others for that matter.

Speaking of this adjustment, God has already shown Himself to be more than able to help me move into this new world a little more seamlessly.  Not to mention the old-friendships-made-new that have helped make this such a comfortable transition so far, little things have happened that just sort of surprise me... like the small group we're in... the leaders of it have a special heart for China.  Their son is married to a Chinese gal who once worked for China Aid.  They are going to China in a few weeks.  And then I have just "happened to run into" this girl named Sarah three separate times.  She lived in Uganda for several years, married a Ugandan guy, and they came back to Midland (her hometown.)  She has 2 precious little boys and runs a charity with her husband from here in Midland supporting orphans and impoverished children back in Uganda.  And seriously - when I say "run into her," I mean it... first was at Jason's Deli where I struck up a conversation with her because of her son's Montessori school tshirt.  Second was at the farmer's market, where I happened upon her booth where she sells jewelry to support their work, and third was at the Natural Grocer's store.  It was a little weird.  Or as she said, perhaps divine.  And then, in the women's Bible study I just joined, there's a mama in there who has adopted two little ones from children's protective services.  In just the few minutes we spoke, I knew I'd found another gal with a heart for orphans... and the women in that study in general were some of the most transparent/honest I've ever met.  I know it will be a precious place to build relationships.  So while I keep wondering why God brought us to Midland, I keep getting the answer in surprising little ways.

Cora is such a little light.  She seems to have come alive these last couple of weeks... she's rolling over like crazy now.  (She's been going back to tummy for a while, and though she did tummy to back once a few weeks ago, she hadn't done it again until the last couple of days.  Now she's reveling in her newfound ability to flip back and forth.  Including in her swing... where I found her on her belly after her nap the other day.  And yes, we have begun using the safety strap now.)  She also seems to be just totally amazed and enthralled with the world.  She loves LeLe, and gets so excited when she can bury her face in her fur.  We're still exclusively breastfeeding, but when she sees one of us with food or a drink, she gets so excited.  She stiffens her little arms and legs and just starts shaking.  We often give her little tastes of whatever we're drinking, and when she sees the straw coming to her mouth, she gets downright giddy.  Yesterday she tried my Tom Yum soup, and I think she liked it.  She was smacking her lips afterwards.  She is a girl after my own heart, for I think Tom Yum is just about the best soup ever.  We have found one thing that Cora doesn't like... nursery.  I think she's a little young to have stranger wariness -- I think it is more likely "loud noise wariness" due to other loud children -- but both times we've tried to put her in the nursery, it has ended in a fit of tears.  I'm hoping tomorrow goes better, as I really want to be able to do the bible study without baby attached to my hip.

Oh, you should have seen her this morning...  (Actually, you can!  I thought to take a picture!)  She was getting her bath, and she was fascinated by the little cup that I use to "shower" her with water.  This was her face, every single time it showered down on her.

And another new thing... this noise she makes.  I think she's pretending she's LeLe.

(Skip to end of the video to hear, if you don't want to watch the whole thing.  Personally I watch the whole thing several times when I miss her while she's in the middle of nap-time, but that's probably just because she's my daughter, I suppose... )

All in all, we're well.  Especially now that we are "reconnected" to the outside world.  (I think I have an internet/email/blog/facebook addiction, made utterly apparent by lack of internet for a week.)  There's a lot brewing in my heart these days, but more on that later...

Because I Can't Resist

I take this break from packing to bring you...

(click to see adorableness even bigger.)

On Motherhood

Four months already. An eternity in an instant. And so I am a mother, but I still can't believe they let me leave the hospital with her.

I will be honest - For me, motherhood wasn't a season of life I dreamed of entering. I knew I'd become a mom eventually, because that's what you're supposed to do. But I loved the orphans around me and I found meaning in serving them, and wasn't that enough, God? I carried those children close to my heart, and I saw a baby of my own as a replacement… a trade-off I wasn't sure I really wanted to make. I'd always heard people describe motherhood as a sacrifice, and that's really all I could envision. Setting aside everything I knew and loved to take care of a tiny being who needed me for everything.

I worried my world would become too small. That I'd somehow forget all the children I've carried in my heart through the years and replace them with just this one. I worried I wouldn't recognize myself; that I'd turn into a person who lost the only identity that ever mattered to her. I imagined I'd be bored, longing for the days when the hours didn't center around feeding, sleeping, and changing diapers.

Last night I watched her as she nursed. It struck me that she has been living solely off of me for over one year now… from a tiny cell to 14.5 pounds of wriggling and kicking life, she has taken what she has needed to grow and thrive.

And to be honest, it has hurt.

I was not a glowing and radiant mother-to-be. I was nauseous and throwing up well into my sixth month of pregnancy. In the entirety of my life, I have never felt so weak or sick as I did those long months, and I still don't understand the women who love it. Some of my first words after Cora was born were, "Oh I'm so glad I'm not pregnant anymore!"

And those early days after her birth were filled with a physical pain that defies my words. I felt like I'd been hit by a truck. Me bleeding and cracked; her greedily sucking… feeding her meant gritted teeth and clenched fists for over two months. I couldn't believe how much she took out of me, and it never seemed to be enough. It left both of us crying in frustration. Drenched in my tears, she showed me early on that motherhood was going to be a long road of sacrifice. And it was a road I didn't think I could walk with grace, but there was no turning back. Overwhelmed with love, but feeling inadequate and inexperienced, I entered a survival mode and just tried to get through each long day and each sleepless night.

And my world changed around me. Half-packed suitcases next to piles of dirty baby clothes. Friends coming to meet the new baby; friends coming to say goodbye as we prepared to leave China. Bringing food and comfort and encouragement, those friends sustained me in my first month of motherhood. And Jacob. He changed before my eyes. From a man uncomfortable around babies to an encouraging father who did whatever he could; whatever was necessary. He believed in me when I didn't. He never thought I was inadequate… he believed me to be more than enough, and so I became what he believed.

The physical pain. The exhaustion. The change -- the complete transformation of my world and my identity! Anticipating it left me convinced I couldn't survive any of it, and I will be honest, it has been painful and hard and often it still feels like I'm stumbling on a dark path headed for an unknown destination. She took so much out of me… so much more than I even knew I had to offer.

But that doesn't account for what she has given.

I didn't know I'd look forward to her waking from her naps. I didn't know that as I held her, rocking her to sleep, I would wish I could stop the clock. I didn't know how the quiet moments of a middle-of-the-night feeding would be some of the sweetest of my life. I didn't know how a baby's toothless grin could wipe away all your frustration or concerns, or how your heart can melt when they want you more than any other. I didn't know I'd find mothering so fulfilling or so rich. I didn't know she'd make my heart bigger, not smaller, and that there's always room for more love.

She has taught me that painful sacrifice can be the soil where the richest of loves grows. She has grounded me in these months of uncertainty and transition. In a time when I wouldn't know my purpose or my role, she has made it crystal clear. She has taught me that in any relationship, whether as a mother, wife, friend, stranger, sister, daughter, I simply need to be the source of life-giving, nurturing love. That is my only role; my only calling. She has showed me that it is holy to simply be... to be present to the current moment. That is enough. There is enough grace and tears and mercy and joy and pain and hope and love and promise and life in this very moment. We are so rich if we can simply rest in the moment.

She has made me a mother. Thank you, Cora Eve. These four months have been the most painful, intense, and life-changing months of my life.  But they have also been the best.

And This is Today

She just woke up.  She's swinging back and forth in her swing, chewing on her monkey's hand.   She keeps grinning at me, but she seems perfectly content to sit there a while longer.  She's four months old now (where did time go?), and I'm wanting to freeze these moments and these days.  I don't want to forget them... even the simple ones, like the quiet contentment after an afternoon nap.  I'm more thankful than I thought possible for all the little joys Cora brings to my life.

-----

We're moving in a week.  We had a whirlwind trip to Midland earlier this week, where we checked with apartment after apartment, where they told us we could move in July, August, or not at all.  It's a miracle we found anything livable available immediately.  We're suffering sticker shock, but we're so thankful we found a place to live.  Now I'm in the process of going through all of our belongings and deciding what really needs to be taken to our 650 square foot, 1 bedroom new home.  The last thing we want to do is cram it so full we can't move, but it's hard to figure out what is really needed for our little family of three.  And I do want a few touches to make it feel like a home.  (They just can't clutter.)

-----

I have to admit, I'm both happy and sad about this move.  It will be nice to end this weird "in between" time when we've (literally) lived out of a suitcase for three months.  But it will be sad to move away from our families.  It will be nice to have a place that is really "ours," but I'm sad that it is yet another temporary dwelling.  I just want to settle down a bit...  I would love to make a nursery for Cora.  I suppose she'll have a nursery corner of our bedroom, but that's not really what I had in mind.  And I really want to have a garden.  I suppose the upside is that with 650 square feet, I don't have a lot to clean!

-----

Since Cora has been born, Jacob has been with us every day.  We know we have been blessed by this... what Dad gets to spend every single day with his baby?  We've all enjoyed the time together, but now it is coming to an end.  Starting on the 16th, Jacob will be going to work every day, and for the first time in my life as a mother, I will be alone with a baby all day long.  I think this is going to be hard on all of us as we adjust... This is another one of those happy/sad things.  I'm so thankful Jacob has a job that he thinks he will really enjoy in the field he likes, but I'm sad that this season of togetherness that we've had for the last 4 years is ending.

-----

Lately I've been very preoccupied mentally and emotionally with all these decisions... what job to take, where to live, when to go, etc.  But now that we are moving into this new season of life, I'm finding myself thinking about what I want to do with myself.  First and foremost, I want to spend as much time as I can soaking in all the beauty and sweetness that is my little girl, but I know that I want to keep doing some other things as well.  I've stayed somewhat involved with NDFH since we left, and there maybe some ways to expand the work I do with them from here.  And then there's Scarlet Threads, our little sewing cooperative, that seems to truck right on along despite my neglect.  

For you mamas out there... I'm really struggling with what to do.  I could use advice.  Scarlet Threads and the foster home are some of my "first loves" -- they were, in many ways, what 'defined' me these last few years.  Now that I have Cora, I seem to have lost my willpower to get much done outside of taking care of her and perhaps making hair-bows.  (I blame it on the 4-month lack of 8 consecutive hours of sleep.)  But, I feel like there will come a day when I want to do something other than watch my daughter sleep.  (Or, if I'm being really honest, sleep with her.)  So here's the question... how do you decide how to spend your time?  When do you know you want to keep an "iron in the fire," so to speak, so that you can pick something up more fully at a later date?  And when do you know a season has ended for good? I'm really not sure... All of these things are so close to my heart... I don't really want to slam the door shut on them for good.  But honestly, right now, I have very little mental, emotional, or physical energy to give.  And I just don't know what to do.  (Maintaining my current levels of involvement doesn't feel right, because right now I feel like I'm doing nothing well.)  To be really frank, this has way more to do with Scarlet Threads than the foster home.  But I'm just thinking about it globally right now... Any wisdom from more seasoned mamas is much appreciated.

-----

Cora is saying my computer time is up.  At least I think that's what that particular pattern of squeaks, squeals, and coos means.