May 6, 2011

And This is Today

She just woke up.  She's swinging back and forth in her swing, chewing on her monkey's hand.   She keeps grinning at me, but she seems perfectly content to sit there a while longer.  She's four months old now (where did time go?), and I'm wanting to freeze these moments and these days.  I don't want to forget them... even the simple ones, like the quiet contentment after an afternoon nap.  I'm more thankful than I thought possible for all the little joys Cora brings to my life.

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We're moving in a week.  We had a whirlwind trip to Midland earlier this week, where we checked with apartment after apartment, where they told us we could move in July, August, or not at all.  It's a miracle we found anything livable available immediately.  We're suffering sticker shock, but we're so thankful we found a place to live.  Now I'm in the process of going through all of our belongings and deciding what really needs to be taken to our 650 square foot, 1 bedroom new home.  The last thing we want to do is cram it so full we can't move, but it's hard to figure out what is really needed for our little family of three.  And I do want a few touches to make it feel like a home.  (They just can't clutter.)

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I have to admit, I'm both happy and sad about this move.  It will be nice to end this weird "in between" time when we've (literally) lived out of a suitcase for three months.  But it will be sad to move away from our families.  It will be nice to have a place that is really "ours," but I'm sad that it is yet another temporary dwelling.  I just want to settle down a bit...  I would love to make a nursery for Cora.  I suppose she'll have a nursery corner of our bedroom, but that's not really what I had in mind.  And I really want to have a garden.  I suppose the upside is that with 650 square feet, I don't have a lot to clean!

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Since Cora has been born, Jacob has been with us every day.  We know we have been blessed by this... what Dad gets to spend every single day with his baby?  We've all enjoyed the time together, but now it is coming to an end.  Starting on the 16th, Jacob will be going to work every day, and for the first time in my life as a mother, I will be alone with a baby all day long.  I think this is going to be hard on all of us as we adjust... This is another one of those happy/sad things.  I'm so thankful Jacob has a job that he thinks he will really enjoy in the field he likes, but I'm sad that this season of togetherness that we've had for the last 4 years is ending.


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Lately I've been very preoccupied mentally and emotionally with all these decisions... what job to take, where to live, when to go, etc.  But now that we are moving into this new season of life, I'm finding myself thinking about what I want to do with myself.  First and foremost, I want to spend as much time as I can soaking in all the beauty and sweetness that is my little girl, but I know that I want to keep doing some other things as well.  I've stayed somewhat involved with NDFH since we left, and there maybe some ways to expand the work I do with them from here.  And then there's Scarlet Threads, our little sewing cooperative, that seems to truck right on along despite my neglect.  

For you mamas out there... I'm really struggling with what to do.  I could use advice.  Scarlet Threads and the foster home are some of my "first loves" -- they were, in many ways, what 'defined' me these last few years.  Now that I have Cora, I seem to have lost my willpower to get much done outside of taking care of her and perhaps making hair-bows.  (I blame it on the 4-month lack of 8 consecutive hours of sleep.)  But, I feel like there will come a day when I want to do something other than watch my daughter sleep.  (Or, if I'm being really honest, sleep with her.)  So here's the question... how do you decide how to spend your time?  When do you know you want to keep an "iron in the fire," so to speak, so that you can pick something up more fully at a later date?  And when do you know a season has ended for good? I'm really not sure... All of these things are so close to my heart... I don't really want to slam the door shut on them for good.  But honestly, right now, I have very little mental, emotional, or physical energy to give.  And I just don't know what to do.  (Maintaining my current levels of involvement doesn't feel right, because right now I feel like I'm doing nothing well.)  To be really frank, this has way more to do with Scarlet Threads than the foster home.  But I'm just thinking about it globally right now... Any wisdom from more seasoned mamas is much appreciated.

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Cora is saying my computer time is up.  At least I think that's what that particular pattern of squeaks, squeals, and coos means.

6 comments:

Tara Anderson said...

Carrie, God will reveal the answers to you. It's just an unsettling time for you guys. A BIG move to a different country, new baby, new job, new apartment...TRANSITION all over the place!!! Figuring out these new roles will take some time. Just keep your eyes on Christ and take the journey one step at a time.

Chris and Jane said...

You'll know when you are ready to start something new or resume old tasks when you have passion and energy for them again. It'll be obvious. So, don't worry about it in the meantime. It'll come. With me it was about a year after H was born. But, that was most likely because we were all sleeping well!

Laine said...

Very good, sound advice from Tara and Jane. TRANSITION IS all over your life right now! I think you figured it all out though, in your post about Mother's Day! You spoke about being 'in the moment' and that is the answer here too! I think as long as we are fully present in each moment and focusing on HIS PRESENCE in each moment...we are right where He wants us to be, doing exactly what He wants us to do. Sometimes it's doing extra work for Scarlet Threads. Sometimes it's visiting our grandmother. Sometimes it's sleeping late with our baby. Moment by moment, with Him.
Happy Mother's Day, Carrie!

WilxFamily said...

All the other ladies have nailed it on the head. You are have had and are in major transitions in your life. Be sure to cut yourself some slack and work on what you can, when you can. Go with where your passion is. It's SO HARD to see 'half done' tasks everywhere, but I have come to find that that is just how motherhood (for me goes) You already know it's not easy, and if being a great mother was easy, the jailhouse would be empty.

Be in the moment as long and as much as you can...those moments are so fleeting, as you already know. Write down her milestones, and things she does and realizations about her. I found that doing that helps keep them little...a little longer, and I remember easier the silly things they say/do.

The Lord will guide you to where He wants you to be, and what you can be working on. I wish I could offer you something other than an "I understand" about wanting to be settled. I'm in the same boat...ready to put down roots, and it's not happening.

Just being still and waiting for the Lord to speak to you is half the battle, I think.

Ladybugs' Mom said...

I've been there. I quit my 15 year career to stay at home. I left many irons in the fire....but to be honest it was just hard to let go and just be a mom. Now I love being a full time mom and no longer do I feel like I'm not contributing financially to the family. I got involved in church with the Mom's group and bible study. I joined the early childhood PTA. I made friends and I stay busy. In the fall, my youngest starts school full time. Not sure what I"m going to do with my self, but maybe I'll just sit on the sofa and eat chocolates all day! LOL!

danielandcorrie said...

This morning at the New Day gathering we talked about Acts 25 and discussed how it feels to be at a brand new job (because one of the characters was and he had a lot of important decisions pressed on him right away). It gives Daniel and I more insight in how to pray for Jacob especially tomorrow. And as I am coming down to just 5 weeks left here, I too am wondering about ST and how to help but I feel like it's OK to wait. Because you're waiting and that is good. I guess practically, with my friends who had things like etsy sites and then became moms, they waited anywhere from 8 months to a year to begin again. Like these other moms have said, He will show you when it is time to pick things up again and when he does, then that's the right time. You don't have to put your energy there at present. You will always be creative and your creativity continues in new forms right now. Each moment is with your family is tied to the eternal as you care for Cora because she is impacting the world for good and will continue to throughout her life. I miss you and wish I could take you out to breakfast on Monday! Blessings!

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