Oct 15, 2010

I'm Still Here



We have entered the final countdown... just about 10 weeks to go.  I'm feeling great at this stage; really no complaints.  (Other than killer leg cramps regularly at night.)  We had our most recent checkup just the other day, and they did a really long ultrasound.  Mostly they were checking a bunch of stuff that was unrecognizable to me, but we did get glimpses of the baby's foot (a little over 5 cm), spine (easily identifiable), weight (1.37 kg), and caught a couple of glimpses of the nose... actually the nostrils.  Not a flattering position for the poor child.  Doctor said everything looks great... both with baby and me.  I'm measuring a bit small for this stage, but she said since the baby isn't, she isn't concerned.  She thought it had more to do with baby's position than anything, and I'm just counting my blessings... I'm still not at the "miserably large" stage yet, and that's fine with me.  My blood pressure is lower than average, but that's normal for me, and my weight gain is on track.  I truly feel blessed to have no complications.  Perhaps more than most, I'm acutely aware of just what a miracle a healthy pregnancy and baby is...

This picture was snapped yesterday at 29 weeks.  We were watching Jacob and Chad (a friend of ours here) give all the kids scooter rides through the parking lot.  The children had a BLAST.  We all just soaked up the shrieks and giggles and sunshine.  I think we needed all three.  It has been a hard week at the foster home.  For those who don't know, we have a little girl who had a very dangerous surgery a few days ago, and her recovery has been touch and go.  She's not out of the woods yet, and it is stressful for everyone as we wait...

I feel like in some ways this blog has turned into a baby/pregnancy blog these last few months, which actually kind of bothers me.  I just can't seem to muster up the energy after a long day to write what's really on my heart... There's a lot brewing.  One thing that's been particularly heavy lately is, I think, related to the fact that we're about to have a baby... I think I'm just more sensitive to it right now.

The world just seems so unfair... a few weeks ago, I was looking at some beautiful pictures of my new nephew Greyson that my sister-in-law had just emailed me.  At the exact same moment at the computer right next to me, one of my co-workers was looking at a picture of a little infant boy just enrolled in our formula project.  The two baby boys are almost exactly the same age... and one is healthy, strong, and loved; the other is sick, undernourished, and abandoned.  It was almost surreal - seeing these two beautiful little faces stare out at me from the screens at the same moment.  Two little faces who did nothing to deserve their lots in life... two vastly different futures.

I generally avoid the why questions, as I don't think they are very helpful and generally take us into troubling theological territory.  Instead, I try to ask where questions...  where can I see God's love in the suffering?  Where can I see signs of His hands working out redemption, hope, and restoration.  Usually when I frame the question that way, I can see Him.  And it keeps me going.

But sometimes I do ask why.  And that leads me down a path of quiet despair... because it just isn't fair.  When an ultrasound image of my baby's healthy-looking spine flashes through my mind as I'm crying over pictures of a baby who has spina bifida that has ruptured and will leave her paralyzed, all I can think is it just isn't fair.  It isn't fair that my baby will have a family while other children wistfully long for the day they'll see pictures of their mommas and daddies.

It just isn't...

9 comments:

Tara Anderson said...

I'm so thankful that even when life isn't fair...and that's certainly plenty...we can rest assured knowing that God is good! I try not to venture into the "why" questions too much either, and instead just trust in God's sovereignty, but through the Bible study I'm doing right now God has had me meditating over Psalm 139. I cherished this Psalm when my babies were growing in my womb, but now that we're only a couple of months away (or less!) from bringing home a child that was born with three mid-line birth defects I am learning to cherish the words "you knit me together" in a whole new way. You see, God has taught me that even though something may not look "perfect" or seem fair, it's not necessarily a disappointment. Now I've started up with a whole new batch of questions, and I'm anxiously seeking out God's answers in Scripture!

I'm praying for you my sweet friend, and hoping that our paths will be crossing again soon. My "due" date is guesstimated to be a few weeks before yours, so we'll see how it all unfolds!

Valerie and Jeff said...

Pregnancy is a miracle in so many ways ... and it has a way of taking over all of your mind ... just as it should. It is incredible to think what God is knitting together within YOU!!! Amazing.
Enjoy this time--even in its overwhelmingness.
And the distinct inequality between those tiny babies that you mentioned ... only God can wrap himself around that. Yes, the brokenness of this world is so unfair. I think that there is a characteristic of God that is found in women (especially) to see beyond the facts of "unfairness" and want to nurture and love children beyond their "own"--to not settle for "it's just unfair." I'm not sure that all women have this ... and men tend to see the black/white facts of "it's an unfair and cruel world" and leave it at that. I think there is something key in feeling like something CAN be done and "not being polluted by the world" --because the world would say, "Your can't--it's too big."--but through God ... all things are possible.

Kim said...

First of all ... let me say you are GLOWING!
I am so excited for you and at the same time, oh how I hear your heart. And I am grateful for all the times I have asked those same questions and pondered the 'unfairs' ... cause that is when God shows up. He reveals Himself in and thru the suffering when we are willing to enter into the story!
Thank you for blogging and for your rich sharing.
Love & Blessings from Hong Kong,
Kim

The Ferrill's said...

Oh I like that...asking "where" instead of "why". That's good; I hope I remember that. I'm so glad you share your heart....it encourages me!
We've been praying and will continue to pray for sweet C. and her recovery. I'm glad yall got to have some sunshine and giggles outside; I know it did your hearts a bunch of good!

Anonymous said...

You're right...it's not fair AT ALL. Even in the U.S., there are such different qualities of life to say the least, and people choose to demonize poor people as "welfare queens" or so forth rather than actually Helping a fellow human...but I digress...

One the few things that has helped me is the (gasp!!!) Buddhist notion that suffering is caused from the disconnect between what you want (everyone to have proper nutrition), and what the world IS (not every1 has that). You can "accept" that 'this is how it is" without "endorsing" it. Oddly, when you're more calm about that fact, you're in a better state of mind to HELP others bc you're not As "wrapped up" in anger and frustration, of which doesn't help the situation.

When you asked "where," you were essentially doing that -accepting the (horrible) situation,and then seeing where you could help.

P.S. I'm Christian not Buddhist btw so it's possible I mischaracterized something, but that's my understanding. U know we're "allowed" to learn things not just at our one little church....

WilxFamily said...

You look absolutely stunning!!!! Congratulations on an uneventful and healthy pregnancy.

I couldn't help but think of my husband..or rather 'husbands' when reading your post. It's not fair that I've had one "Prince Charming," buried him, and God graciously gave me another "Prince Charming." I certainly don't deserve either.

All I can think is that God chose me for the trial of being a young widow. A trial I did not want, and one I am forever grateful for. Perhaps these children...prayerfully, ALL of them...will be introduced to the Lord and use their life to love and comfort others. Maybe that little one in you...or that little one in the formula project will be the next George Mueller?

Like Tara said, Psalm 139 si really something to cherish...especially when there is a child with some needs that it also describes. I see how the Lord knit Evan together, and yes, he has deficits by the way of strength and speech, but HOLY COW this kid has certainly been knit together for God's glory.... The beginning of his life has not been fair. :0( I am so sad for him when I think of it...however I know God has a plan for him, and Evan will be used for his glory. I'm SO excited about that! (I just hope I don't screw it up in the mean time!!)

Anonymous said...

Your blog has been so inspirational for me.

Thank you!

TanyaLea said...

Oh Carrie ~

I know your struggle. I'm not pregnat with a little one growing inside me... but I still have a new little one growing up along side of me and taking much of my time and energy. I'm so NOT complaining, but she certainly takes much of my energy and free time to clearly write out my thougths and blog.

I always appreciate the things you write when you do have the time and energy to do so, though. Your words inspire, challenge and bless me in more ways than you know.

The 'whys' in life are hard, and like you, and try not to often go there. When I think of all that Khloe and so many other orphans have gone through, it's hard not to ask that question. But being a part of their story does help to bridge that gap and keep our eyes focused on the Father. I know I will never fully understand, and certainly do not have the answers... but I hope I always keep my eyes and heart focused on Him and allow my heart to be burdoned with the things that burdon His heart. Let us not grow weary!

Praying for both 'C' and 'Baby N' ...it's hard to see such suffering, but praying God will be glorified amidst the storm.

love you,
~Tanya

TanyaLea said...

P.S.>>> You are postively ADORABLE!!! Seriously, you are so cute with your baby belly...love it! :)

((hugs))

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