I'm Still Here

We have entered the final countdown... just about 10 weeks to go.  I'm feeling great at this stage; really no complaints.  (Other than killer leg cramps regularly at night.)  We had our most recent checkup just the other day, and they did a really long ultrasound.  Mostly they were checking a bunch of stuff that was unrecognizable to me, but we did get glimpses of the baby's foot (a little over 5 cm), spine (easily identifiable), weight (1.37 kg), and caught a couple of glimpses of the nose... actually the nostrils.  Not a flattering position for the poor child.  Doctor said everything looks great... both with baby and me.  I'm measuring a bit small for this stage, but she said since the baby isn't, she isn't concerned.  She thought it had more to do with baby's position than anything, and I'm just counting my blessings... I'm still not at the "miserably large" stage yet, and that's fine with me.  My blood pressure is lower than average, but that's normal for me, and my weight gain is on track.  I truly feel blessed to have no complications.  Perhaps more than most, I'm acutely aware of just what a miracle a healthy pregnancy and baby is...

This picture was snapped yesterday at 29 weeks.  We were watching Jacob and Chad (a friend of ours here) give all the kids scooter rides through the parking lot.  The children had a BLAST.  We all just soaked up the shrieks and giggles and sunshine.  I think we needed all three.  It has been a hard week at the foster home.  For those who don't know, we have a little girl who had a very dangerous surgery a few days ago, and her recovery has been touch and go.  She's not out of the woods yet, and it is stressful for everyone as we wait...

I feel like in some ways this blog has turned into a baby/pregnancy blog these last few months, which actually kind of bothers me.  I just can't seem to muster up the energy after a long day to write what's really on my heart... There's a lot brewing.  One thing that's been particularly heavy lately is, I think, related to the fact that we're about to have a baby... I think I'm just more sensitive to it right now.

The world just seems so unfair... a few weeks ago, I was looking at some beautiful pictures of my new nephew Greyson that my sister-in-law had just emailed me.  At the exact same moment at the computer right next to me, one of my co-workers was looking at a picture of a little infant boy just enrolled in our formula project.  The two baby boys are almost exactly the same age... and one is healthy, strong, and loved; the other is sick, undernourished, and abandoned.  It was almost surreal - seeing these two beautiful little faces stare out at me from the screens at the same moment.  Two little faces who did nothing to deserve their lots in life... two vastly different futures.

I generally avoid the why questions, as I don't think they are very helpful and generally take us into troubling theological territory.  Instead, I try to ask where questions...  where can I see God's love in the suffering?  Where can I see signs of His hands working out redemption, hope, and restoration.  Usually when I frame the question that way, I can see Him.  And it keeps me going.

But sometimes I do ask why.  And that leads me down a path of quiet despair... because it just isn't fair.  When an ultrasound image of my baby's healthy-looking spine flashes through my mind as I'm crying over pictures of a baby who has spina bifida that has ruptured and will leave her paralyzed, all I can think is it just isn't fair.  It isn't fair that my baby will have a family while other children wistfully long for the day they'll see pictures of their mommas and daddies.

It just isn't...