*****Don’t forget the giveaway! I don’t want it to get pushed to the bottom of the blog where it is hard to see and no one else will enter!*****
Why is it we always want what we do not have? In the spirit of “keeping the blog real,” I just thought I’d share where I am right now… Coming home is a bit strange. For one, I feel out of place. It’s an odd feeling to not have a “home” in your own country. Granted we have very welcoming family who bend over backwards to make us feel at home, but we’re still living out of a suitcase for the next 6 weeks. We’d have to go to another continent before we’re truly at home, and that’s a strange feeling since we’re in the place our passports say we belong. Today my grandma told someone, “They’re from
I’ve been thinking a lot about where I’ve been. I used to not want all this to be the stuff of my life. Before we moved to
But now, from my vantage point on the other side of the big pond, those things I used to see as encumbrances now seem like they’d be quite comfortable. They’d be reassuring in their relative predictability, and it would be easy (in many ways) to slip back into the structure and cadence of the life all of our peers and family lead. Don’t get me wrong, everyone’s lives are a bit different. And I know they aren’t easy. But we know how it works. We would come home and get jobs. We’d buy our first home, and I’d finally get to decorate a place just how I’d like. We’d probably start a family fairly soon, and then I’d mostly be a mom. We’d work on our nest egg, go on family vacations, and work hard to make sure our children lived well-balanced lives. We’d take the challenges and crises in stride as best as we could, and we’d keep moving forward… The familiarity of that life path is comforting.
But, I’m so torn. The instant I start dreaming about my American Dream, I start realizing what I’d miss in my China Dream. I wouldn’t be able to go cuddle babies in the middle of the day… babies who have no other moms to cuddle them. I wouldn’t be able to experience the unique challenges and character building that comes from life in another culture. I’d lose the tight-knit community I’ve grown to love so much. Jacob and I would undoubtedly not spend as much time together as we do now. My (hypothetical) kids wouldn’t grow up speaking two languages, wouldn't naturally understand that life for most of the world isn’t like the “
Ugh… this makes no sense. You can probably imagine the chaos that is my brain right now. All I know is that I want it all. I want the comforts of home, and I want my beautiful, crazy, painful, and unpredictable life in
Sometimes when it gets so complicated that my brain grows tired, I want to forget it all… to go back in time 4 years and never step foot in an orphanage for the first time. Then I wouldn’t have to be responsible for this weighty knowledge. But, I do know. And I am responsible for what I know. (And, most days I WANT to be responsible for it. Please don’t think that the only reason I’m in
Isn’t the grass always greener on the other side? Before I wanted
A few editorial notes… These are just my thoughts. I’m not speaking for Jacob too. Obviously decisions about whether we stay or go will be made by both of us. Secondly, if you are a member of my family and are immediately alarmed by this post, please don’t worry. I’m OK. Writing is cathartic for me, and I know we have many friends who pray for us after reading the blog.