I may never understand all the reasons God brought us to China, but one there's one I'm quite certain of. He wanted me to fall more in love with Him.
It's an odd place to do it, for I often see things that make me flail and push against His love. There are moments as I hold broken babies and wipe lonely tears that I'm overcome with anger… anger at the world and even anger at God. Why is the world so unfair? How could You let this happen? I'm like a newly adopted child sitting in her father's lap; refusing to rest against his chest… refusing to accept his embrace.
But He holds me still.
But there are also moments when inexplicably, I'm overwhelmed by His love. Most of you also read our foster home's blog, so you know that Chase recently died. As I was writing his memorial card last week, I know I encountered Jesus. Because usually the details of Chase's life and death would leave me feeling empty and heartbroken -- a baby abandoned, hurting, sick… the majority of his short life spent in a hospital instead of in the arms of his mother. It's the kinds of story that often leaves me shaking my fists at the sky.
But this time was different. I was overwhelmed by Love. I was swimming in Grace. I was basking in Joy. Chase is home. He is free. And he was always, always loved. For every minute of every day of his entire life.
And as I feel His love for Chase -- even in the midst of circumstances I will never understand -- I understand His love for me a little bit more.