Jan 24, 2011

Just Like Her

Cora Eve - Two Weeks
More pictures on Facebook.


I see myself in her.

Not just in the curve of her lip or the shape of her pinkie toe, but in her flailing arms and kicking legs.  In the way she fights sleep and tries to comfort herself with her balled up fists.

She's helpless, but if she were cognitively able to understand her circumstances, something tells me she'd fight against that helplessness.  She'd flail and kick and try to make her own way.

Just as I do.

We leave in 15 short days.  Most of our friends leave at the end of this week, returning to faraway hometowns to see their families for the Chinese New Year holiday.  It is a lot of goodbyes.

I am trying to comfort myself… maybe not with balled up fists, but with avoidance and tears and pretending it isn't happening.

We're packing up our belongings, and I'm all flailing arms and kicking legs.  Refusing to get started because to start means to admit this chapter of life is ending.  Such finality.  Kicking and flailing against change…

What if there's no job? Where will Cora sleep? We need to order a car seat! How will I get her schedule changed? Will LeLe be OK on a 20 hour trip in a small pet carrier? If I leave all my spices here, that just means I have to buy more in America! We don't have a couch anymore… or a washer and dryer.  Moving home is going to be so expensive!  How is it all going to work?

I fight sleep… worries clouding my mind as I seek to grasp for control of these out of control circumstances.

She's just like me.  I'm just like her.

She's sleeping right now in my arms.  If I put her on my chest, I can feel her body relax and she almost always falls asleep within minutes.  I laid on my couch for an hour today… Cora curled up in a ball on my chest, sandwiched between my heartbeat and a fuzzy blanket.  She rested and relaxed.  She trusted me.  I drank in the scent of her head and wondered at this little creature who is so entirely other yet so entirely dependent on me.

I am not so different.

Entirely other yet entirely dependent on Him.

My heart yearns to know this deeper way of Trust.  To curl up in a ball on His chest and fall asleep.  I need my Savior to be gentle and kind right now… patient and loving.  Not asking me to be brave or strong, but to calm myself to the cadence of His heartbeat.

A dear friend sent this quote to us today… she didn't say where it came from, but I feel its message reverberating in my spirit.

I said to the man that stood at the Gate of the Year; Give me a light that I may tread safely into the unknown. And he replied; Go out into the darkness and put your hand into the hand of God.  That shall be to you better than light and safer than a known way.

"...for I know Whom I have believed and I am convinced that He is able to guard what I have entrusted to Him until that day."  2 Tim 1:12

9 comments:

Laine said...

Praying for you, Carrie...for all of you. Your words and the way you likened yourself to Cora just speaks so sweetly to my own balled up fist self.
Tears are so good...I don't think I've ever shed a tear that I regretted.
He is keeping you in His perfect peace....
Love,
Laine

Tara Anderson said...

Our kids have a lot of lessons to teach us about our Father's love, don't they? :) You were on my heart this morning at 5:00am. Love the way God works...although I hadn't seen this post yet, these were the exact requests that I lifted up to Him. Well, maybe not the part about the car seat or the furniture. :) But God will take care of those too.

Love you!

The Byrd's Nest said...

Praying for change...again. Goodbyes stink...they just do! But those people there will carry you and your little family in their hearts forever. Praying for peace Carrie:)

Holly said...

sometimes I wonder if I have been entrusted with my children in order to teach them or if in fact it is for them to teach me.
He will comfort you as you do your daughter. Abba knows your heart and He knows the way.
Love,
Holly- Purpose Driven Family

Anneli J. said...

Praying for you Carrie. God will give you peace and He will guide and lead you and Jacob as you begin your lives in the states once again. I know it's scary, but I also know He will provide. Praying for you dear friend and my heart aches for you.

Blessings,
Anneli

Kim said...

Another beautiful post Carrie. And exactly why this journey of parenthood is sacred. I am certain that God uses the blessing of children to mold us as parents!
The photo of Miss Cora is gorgeous!
I am sick over the fact that we will not meet in China before your departure.
Lucy's set back after my 1st mission trip to Cambodia in Dec will prevent me from traveling w/o her anytime in the near future.
Knowing we are more than 1/2 way thru our three year assignment in Hong Kong, makes me nervous. I am FAR more scared to repatriate than I was to come on this adventure.
How do I go back? I am not the same.
And therefore I am grateful to "know" you and will be taking notes as you pave the way on how to journey back home.
Praying for peace and His provisions.
Love & Blessings from Hong Kong,
Kim

a Tonggu Momma said...

I just love watching you grow as a mom. And I know that this next month will bring huge changes to your lives. Just remember that God is holding you in the palm of His hand. Through it all.

paul and mackenzie said...

Having made that journey only a few short months ago, let me just say that 1)the plane ride will not be fun but Cora will make it just fine (so will your sweet dog) 2)you'll find the new schedule. Cora will adjust quicker than you and Jacob 3)don't worry about all the "stuff" you don't have. God already knows and you'll be amazed at the generosity of people and the ways things you need just pop up. 4)life will be hard when you get back. you need to expect that. it will not be an easy adjustment. you both need to be prepared to feel joy at being home but lostness because you don't fit in anymore and sadness because you miss your home in China. These were things I knew would happen but did not expect to happen with such extremity. Through all of it, the packing, the goodbyes, the adjustment, the job hunt, God is holding you in the palm of his hand, and maybe sometimes, next to his chest. - MacKenzie

Anonymous said...

Carrie
Your in my prayers as you make this huff change in your lives. I have coarse quilt finished...i must say it is beautiful...send me your mailing address in the states when you get it.
Will continue to pray for a smooth transition.
God bless
Andrea Sisler

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