Dec 27, 2010

Sometimes I Wonder Why

Sometimes I wonder why…

Why we so easily conceived when others have so much trouble. It isn't that I think we deserve trouble; it's just that I think we would have been OK if this never was our journey to parenthood. Others want it so badly and would grieve far more deeply. It happened so quickly and easily for us that sometimes I feel like I'm not grateful enough… like I never had any time to develop a true longing.

People look at me funny when I say this: I haven't been a fan of pregnancy. I'm not sure I ever want to do it again. They always laugh, shake their heads knowingly, and say, "Oh, you'll feel differently when you hold your baby!!" I know a lot of 9-month-pregnant women say they don't want to go through it again, but I think I might be different. I don't really know… only time will tell. It isn't that I want an only child, but there are other ways to build a family; and to be honest, they seem to be a far better fit for us.

Being pregnant and working at an orphanage is a strangely unsettling experience.

I've tried not to think about it too much, honestly. Just because I can't quite wrap my mind around it. But, sometimes its inescapable. There's one little guy in particular at our foster home... About 4 years old and truly longing for a family, he's been the most curious about my pregnancy. He constantly touches my belly, wants to see what's under my shirt, asks me questions, and even pretends to have a baby in his own belly. His very favorite game to play with me is when I poke and tickle his belly to check for a baby.

He told me yesterday, curled up on my lap with his head nestled against my swollen stomach, that he wants to hold my baby when it comes to the outside.

I wanted to weep.

Sometimes I wonder why…

If we'd never conceived this child, we would have still become parents. Jacob told me about a strangely vivid dream he had last night. Jacob never remembers his dreams, but this one was so strong it woke him from a deep sleep and left him shaken for some time. In typical dream-weirdness it involved all sorts of odd imagery and events, but the jolt-awake moment came when a miserable, sick, and dejected creature who just wanted Jacob's affection (and who Jacob was trying to push away) spoke out a clarion sentence: Why not me?

As he told me about the dream this morning, I couldn't shake the image of the little boy curled in my lap yesterday. Does he not also wonder, Why not me?

I know I will grow to love this little one I've carried for 9 months. And I know he/she is an indescribable gift. But the other path to parenthood would have been just as blessed and rich.

And sometimes I wonder why… why this is the road we have walked.

------

Since I'm still posting, we're obviously still waiting... :) I actually feel like I'm coming down with some sort of upper respiratory infection right now. Will you please pray that it doesn't take a turn for the worse? Labor seems difficult enough... don't really want to be coughing and hacking during it.

16 comments:

sierrasmom said...

Hi Carrie
I keep checking just in case... I read your post with interest. I have been pregnant and given birth 3 times and adopted once ( and I am ready to adopt again!) I do admit that if I'd known and felt what I have felt erlier in my life. I would have adopted sooner. BUT...I can not imagine not experiencing the miracle of giving birth. My births were not easy although my pregnancies were. But there is something about actually giving birth and holding that baby in your arms that is breathtaking. And to look at that baby and see parts of you and parts of your husband in their face is a feeling that is undescribable. Both pregnancy and adoption are amazing ways to add to your family. Don't feel guilty..enjoy God's miracle.
Oh and you have alluded a few times about the loss of your life the way you know it now. It doesn't happen that way. You don't lose anything..it just changes and is even fuller!! I never once looked back and thought "I wish I had that time back"!! I so understnad how you can think that now..but really you won't even miss it...just make sure you get time alone with your hubby...that is very important!!! I will keep checking and checking!!!
Kathie

Walking to China said...

I am full of the why's also. Why are things so stacked against special needs kids here that parents give them up? Why are there so many children in orphanages...and why is their future so bleak? These are the questions that tear at my heart in the night as I rock our sweet foster son. What did we save him for? Does he have a family waiting? Or a grim future in an institution.
Honestly, on this side of heaven, we will not know the answers to the whys. The world is fallen and broken but God is still on the throne. I believe in the day when all things will be made right. That gives me comfort.

Kim said...

What a beautiful post.
I will never forget holding my 1st newborn after his birth and saying to my Mother "Oh ... I finally get it. YOU love ME like THIS!". And then holding the twins who were born in my heart and joined our family by the miracle & blessing of adoption, I cried out ... "OH Abba Father ... YOU love ME like THIS. I finally get it!"
I trust you will be equally blessed by each sacred path to parenthood.
Praying for your health and delivery!
Love & Blessings from Hong Kong,
Kim

Waiting For Bella said...

Will be praying for you Carrie!! Hope that little one comes soon!!

Tara Anderson said...

Carrie, I could have written this post. We are SO much alike. :)

I can't answer your "Why" questions, but I can tell you that both adoption and having biological children have their own sweetness to them and I pray that you can appreciate both for the unique and precious experiences that they are. And I also want to remind you that God hasn't forgotten the precious little ones with their own "Why" questions. The thing that impressed me most about my adoption trip (especially in Guangzhou) were the number of Christian families with biological children who were there with a Chinese child in their arms because God laid it on their heart. He IS raising up His church in a magnificent way. He hasn't left or forsaken "the least of these" any more than He has us. Like someone else pointed out, we live in a broken and fallen world...but the Redeemer lives. And He's still at work. :)

Sharie said...

Carrie, you are one of the lucky ones who can see the glory in all ways of forming a family - that is a blessing to all children you touch, no matter how they come into your life...

Jen said...

I have never given birth, but I have adopted twice - once from China. I think giving birth has got to be pretty special, but becoming a mom either way is amazing! I can't imagine loving any child more than I love my two girls, and maybe one day you will add to your family through adoption. I love how you're thinking through this!

Laine said...

I agree with sierrasmom...for me, life BEGAN when I started having children! :) And then when God allowed us to adopt children, life began AGAIN! :)

Praying for you and baby! I keep checking in....I'm sure you're thinking "yeah, ME TOO! Ready to get this show on the road!" ;)

It's funny you mentioned Jacob's dream. I just had a dream last night that I went to China with a friend of mine who is adopting two boys. I got to see their first meeting and the boys were absolutely adorable...way more adorable in real life than in pictures. And I just started weeping and thinking "IF ONLY PEOPLE COULD SEE THIS...so many more would not be afraid to adopt sn kiddos..."
Anyway, that dream came out of the blue (or straight from God) speaking to me about my own fears. I wonder if God must think those same thoughts: "IF ONLY PEOPLE COULD SEE THIS..."
Thank you for helping us SEE your heart for His children and see His glory in your life...praying that sweet little 4 year old will have his family soon.
Love,
Laine

The Byrd's Nest said...

Praying for you Carrie. I ditto Sierra's Mom's comment......every word:)

TanyaLea said...

Oh Carrie~ I think most of us have that 'why' question that surfaces again and again. This post really tugged at my heart. I can relate on SO many levels. Yet I am certain of one thing, God clearly has a plan for you and Jacob. He has set it in motion for "such a time as this" and there is a reason for His reasoning and order of events.

I wanted to shout out a big ol' "AMEN!" to what Kathie (sierrasmom) had to say. I agreed with every word. Count yourself blessed to have the experiences you do. One day, they will likely all make sense. They are part of your story...THE story God has ordained for you, for your child within you, for your future children however they come to your family. They are all pieces of your puzzle and will enrich your life in ways you do not yet know. And that little boy whom you refer to (I'm pretty certain I know exactly 'who' he is!) ...he is NOT forgotten. He is prayed for by many, I am certain. He is already loved by many... and we will continue praying Him home. Our Heanvenly Father loves every.single.one. of those precious kiddos, each of whom were 'fearfully and wonderfully made' and I know His heart aches for every one of them to have a family to call their own, too. But one thing we know, our Father is always with them!

However a family is brought together, is a wonderous miracle just the same. I can't even begin to tell you how enriched our lives are by the miracle of adoption. And I'm so ready to be 'paper pregnant' again!! All in HIS perfect timing! <><

Still praying for you and will continue to do so ...want you to be PERFECTLY healhty for that big delivery coming soon!! ((BIG HUGS))

OXO,
Tanya

The Raudenbush Family said...

The Lord clearly has chosen this child to be raised by you and you to have the experience of parenting this child. Can't wait to hear how He draws you to Himself through your experience of doing just that and how He grows your family in the future. Thanks for sharing your real heart here.
Kelly

Jenna said...

Carrie- wait till you see how God changes YOU through the experience of birthing and parenting this child- it will answer SOME of your "Why" questions- I can tell you that for SURE! The honing experience of parenting- especially a newborn will change you like nothing else can. Just like I feel a sadness for people who do not experience adoption and the refining fire it brings about in US the adoptive parents like nothing else can, so it is with having a biological child. It's a different experience than anything else on earth- and apparently God has decided you should have this experience! You're in for quite the ride!!!

But, I'm with you on not loving pregnancy- we've talked about this. However, God made you just the way you are and placed certain desires in you so that His plan will unfold for you.....so I'm sure God is already at work in you to set His plans for your family into motion.

I'm praying for you every day! I remember those long days after my due date as if they were yesterday- that's how hard they were for me. The waiting and the anticipation were so hard (so the joke was on me when a few short years later, God gave me a 2+ year wait for Cooper!!!!).

Can't wait to hear news!!!!

WilxFamily said...

After Evan...it became apparent to me that the Lord chooses our children, whether biological or adopted. He knows who, when and how to knit them into our family.

Now that we have a little one "in the oven" too...it's even more obvious.

Why would God allow us to struggle with the loss of 5 little ones, give us two, then adoption, now this one?! Hmmm....

I love that you conceived so easily, that is a huge blessing. What's more is that your heart for the orphan is HUGE. So many people have asked us why we would adopt when we CAN have children "of our own." Oh boy, they need a smack down for sure!! But that's not my place, and they perhaps have not seen or felt the need to are for the Orphan,like so many have.

When we walked out of the hospital with Jack, we knew our next children would all be adopted. OK...so only one so far is. This little boy inside me is some kinda miracle and is only here because God wanted him here. No different than Evan.

It is really neat to see what you and Jacob 'make' together though. I enjoy seeing that in our children. It is REALLY COOL.

You are amazing, and are going to be an amazing mom. Surely, your little one will do much for Orphan as undoubtedly he/she will see your heart and follow on.

Wow...so soon and your babe will be here!!

afj2016 said...

Carrie~
Continuing to check daily to see if there is any news! I'm sure you are so anxious to be done with pregnancy. I agree with what everyone has said, you are truly blessed. God has a plan in all of this and He knows what He's doing. I think it's amazing the heart you have for adoption, just as I have. I honestly would be perfectly fine if I didn't have biological kids someday and only adopted, but however it works out, I know it'll be exactly how God wanted it. I believe this child of yours will have such a heart for the orphans and the fatherless as well. Do not feel guilty, feel blessed. God is an amazing God in all He does.

Praying for you and Jacob and glad to see you had a wonderful Christmas. Praying for you especially these last few months. Hard to believe it's almost been a year since I left for China and have been back for almost 8 months now. Give all those kids (especially Vincent) hugs and kisses from me! : )

Blessings,
Anneli

Kristi said...

Oh the whys that won't be answered this side of heaven.
Carrie, I'm so thankful for you and the love you have given the children in your life for the past three years. Rest assured that while you don't have the answers, you have given much to children who needed you...

a Tonggu Momma said...

No matter how children enter our lives - whether through birth, adoption, marriage, foster care - they are on loan to us from God. Remember that, and you will do an excellent job as a parent. Hugs during this time of "whys."

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