Jacob and Carrie :: Signs of Hope

One.

2012-01-04T22:05:00.000-06:00

And so you are one.

A couple weeks young and fresh.

Where did these last 365 days go to? It feels like yesterday when the doctor announced "It's a girl!" and I announced I was so glad that I wasn't pregnant anymore. (That really was the first thing that came to mind...) And they laid you on my chest and the nurses started admiring your double eyelids, a mark of beauty in many Asian countries.

What none of us knew then, since none of us really knew then you, is that what makes you most beautiful is your heart. It is so full of life, love, and joy - it nearly overwhelms me!

With your great-grandma.

Just last week, you ran around the dining room of your great-grandmother's retirement home, shrieking at all the residents and stopping at nearly every table to give them your trademark scrunched-up nose/eye smile and your high-pitched, joy-filled, "HIIIIII!" I loved watching you. And watching them. You could feel the joy build in the room... people were laughing and smiling and vying for your attention. And you weren't stingy with affection. You had joy to share and you freely gave it; I feel blessed that I get to share you with others. One of the ladies told me you were the highlight of her week. Sweet girl, you are the highlight of my life.

Kissing your other great-grandma.

You spent the Christmas holidays kissing your cousins. You love children (and dogs) more than anything, but neither are willing to stay still long enough for you to kiss as much as you'd like. You're generous in your kisses for me, but not your daddy. I think you enjoy teasing him. I see it in the sparkle in your eye as you coyly turn your face from his kiss. I want to tell him he shouldn't be surprised... after all, you are a girl. You want to be pursued. I love picturing the woman you will become under his gentle love. Girls need daddies more than anything, and you have a good one. Even if you won't kiss him.

Your turn at the China birthday party.

I got the most amazing gift today... a picture in my email. Your life is celebrated and cherished not just by me and your family, but also by the rest of our family half a world away. They lit a candle and sang a song for you during the monthly birthday party at the foster home. I pray that as you grow, you always have an extra-large space in your heart for the place you "came from," as some of our friends over there like to say. I want you to know the people who loved and nurtured us even as we were just learning to love and nurture you. I want you to know that the world - with all its diversity and difference - is brimming with God's goodness. His hand is on all people in all places, and you can be an instrument of love and joy for all people in all places you go. May you always have the courage and bravery of spirit that you have now -- to confidently walk into an unknown place and bring His love to any you meet, regardless of how different they may look or sound or be.

As I rocked you to sleep last night, you stared up at me in the darkness, those big grey-blue eyes unblinking and still. And I started talking to you. Telling you that you are precious and such a gift. Telling you about our Father who loves you more than anything, just as you are right now. You don't need to be better, or stronger, or kinder, or smarter, or prettier, or anything more than who He created you to be. I whispered these things to you. I will keep telling you until the words are written on your heart. If you bring Him half as much joy as you bring me, His heart must be swelling. I know it is. I can see it in your eyes and hear it in your laughter.

At Christmas.

I love rocking you... I'm thankful you still let me. Some nights I wish you could go to sleep on your own, especially after talking to other mamas who seem to have sleeping-machines for children, but most of the time I realize just how short these days truly are and I don't wish them away. I realize that they'll be gone in a flash. I think about how I already miss the cooing, sweet infant I held this time last year. And how I miss the naps you used to take curled up on my chest. So sweet girl, I'll keep rocking you as long as you'll let me. It's all going a bit too fast for me anyway... slowing down to rock you to sleep might make it last just a little bit longer.

Love,
Mama

Merry and Bright

2011-12-19T17:11:00.000-06:00

Merry Christmas from our little family!

Reentry

2011-12-16T09:48:00.001-06:00

I used to watch those space movies - like Apollo 13 - and be most terrified when the astronauts were finally coming home. Were they going to make it? Were they going to burn up in the atmosphere?

Reentry is full of pressure, heat, the stripping away of protective layers, fear, anticipation, and uncertainty.

Image Credit

I know. Because I've been doing it for nearly a year.

This time last year, I was still in China - writing about my fearful anticipation of reentry to the USA (and entry into motherhood). (And my longing to be DONE with pregnancy.) I can look back on those posts now and see that God has met my every need in this transition... That most of my fears went unrealized, and that the ones that were real were manageable when I approached them one day at a time. (Doesn't He promise to be our daily bread?)

But what I didn't anticipate was how lost I'd feel. I guess I thought once we got through all the fiery challenges of the outer atmosphere, it'd be smooth sailing. (Excuse my mixed metaphors.) We'd get the place to live, get the job, and settle into a nice little neat life with easy access to Target. (A longtime dream of mine.) Now we're there - Target is 5 minutes away, Jacob has a great job, and I have a new circle of friends to do life with. But I'm still not sure where I am.

Parts of me were changed and lost and transformed through the process of reentry. And to push the space analogy perhaps a little too far - I feel more like an alien in some ways than ever before.

Reentry hasn't been all that pretty. Spiritually, if I'm honest, I'm in a funky place. I've kind of given up. I look back on my last 4 years of life and wonder, "What was THAT all about." It seems to have no connection to this new life of playdates and lunches and craft projects. (But seriously, you should SEE some of the stuff I've made for Christmas gifts. ADORABLE, I tell you.) I can exist in both worlds fairly well... I'm not some weird ex-missionary who only wears dresses from 1980 and eats bugs for snacks. (Right, Midland friends? I'm not that, am I?!) But it just seems that the two worlds are so distinctly separate that my life in Asia was some weird anomaly. Some strange blip on the radar of my life. It just feels so Other from the life I'm leading now, that it just seems like an odd waste of time in some ways... maybe because I feel like there's very little "lasting" impact to show from it.

If I have any blog readers left (doubtful, given my utter abandonment of this thing these last few months), I can hear you now. You've always been an encouraging bunch - and I know you'd say things like: "Think of the children and people you impacted." Or, "The seeds you planted will bear a harvest later." Or, "It may be unseen, but it is no less meaningful." I know you'd say such encouraging things, because I would too, if the shoe were on the other foot. I don't really know why this is, but for some reason those platitudes have very little traction in my heart right now.

The reality is, NDFH was doing just fine before me and is doing just fine now. The kids that I was involved with would have gotten their surgeries and healed and been adopted even if I wasn't there. I've always said, and continue to believe, that the greatest impact was on myself. But now that my life is focused on such entirely different things, I'm wondering what kind of impact it really was?

I've tried to maintain involvement - helping with various fund-raising drives (WE HAVE ONE GOING ON NOW!!!!) and doing some writing projects for the foster home - but it just feels so trivial in light of the amount of time I spend going to Target or coming up with crafty projects to occupy me during nap time. To be honest, in some ways it feels like the values I've said lead my life really do not. And I've sort of settled into indifference as a result. (Hence the trips to Target and Hobby Lobby.)

I'm remembering now that some told me reentry would be harder than leaving. It's true. And so much harder to deal with, because the challenges, differences, and problems aren't easily identifiable. We're "supposed" to be able to just jump back into this life where we left off. We're "supposed" to be grateful to be home. We're "supposed" to be a lot of things. Lost, confused, disheartened, and undirected isn't among them...

A Joyful Gift

2011-12-07T14:02:00.002-06:00

I've been far too silent on this blog... so much going on my life and in my heart. But can't put it all into words right now.

So I'll just say this.

Remember this last summer when we raised $30,000 for our much-loved NDFH? Well we're at it again. Two NDFH adoptive families have each pledged $2500 for a matching grant drive. We're trying to raise the other $5000 this month. When we reach the goal, New Day will have $10,000; the funds they need to pay for Wendy's and Asa's surgeries.

There isn't a much more joyful gift than the gift of life and hope, don't you agree?

Details can be found on the Scarlet Threads blog... we're offering a few sweet rewards to those who contribute, too! Be sure to check it out!!

Happy Halloween!

2011-10-31T16:57:00.000-05:00

She's just so sweet...

So sweet she might just give us all toothaches.

Sweet Girl

2011-10-21T10:39:00.000-05:00

Oh sweet girl, you are growing up too fast! Yesterday you started trying to walk. I admire your bravery and perseverance. I know you are compelled to move on to the next big thing, but so often in my life, I give up when I fall down. But I'm watching you stand back up again and take one more halting step. (I think the cloth diapers help. Lots of padding for the falls.)

It seems the last few weeks, my baby is gone and a fledgling toddler is in her place. You've discovered how to open cabinet doors, and now your favorite thing of all is helping me to unload them. So far, I haven't gotten any locks. I've just moved some things up and away and let you enjoy the rest... after all, a little mess is a small price to pay for the joy of discovery.

And the dishwasher and the dryer and the bathroom drawers... you love to unload, unpack, undo all these things. Daddy's sock in my craft drawer. A small bottle of lotion in the dryer. You're also learning to put things in places, and so I often find little Cora treasures hidden in unlikely spots. And the TV. You discovered the power button. So now we have a piece of cardboard blocking the funnest game in town.

You love to eat... but lately it has mostly only been if you are the one in control of what goes into your mouth. So you feed yourself lots of snacks. Gumming sliced bananas while I feed you yogurt/cereal/applesauce is currently your favorite breakfast. It surprises me how much you can get down.

One of your favorite places in our little apartment is the balcony. We live on the third floor, and so you have a bird's eye view up here. You crawl out there and hold onto the rails and shout at the top of your lungs. Sometimes there are passers-by who look up and talk to you. And sometimes it is just the birds. But you definitely have a lot to say. Sometimes you sit out there with a bucket of water and cups. Emptying the bucket is a great way to pass an afternoon... and a little water never hurt anyone.

Speaking of having a lot to say, we think you might be a little Chinese after all. The Chinese have this amazing ability to have whole conversations in a series of grunts. Your Dad, a man of few words, thinks it is particularly useful. And lately it's been the way you "talk" to us, too. You make a grunt, and someone repeats your sound. You make another one, and there is a retort. And the game goes on. and on. and on.

You haven't been sleeping so well lately. Afte sleeping through the night a few times to show me you could, you recently decided that you don't have to do that. After all, I suppose some 3:00 am cuddles are a nice little break from the quietness of your bed. I won't pretend I always do it gracefully. You had me in tears the other night when you wouldn't let me put you down from midnight to 3:00. But then I remembered how I had wished just a few days before that you would take one more nap on my chest, so I lay down on the couch with you curled under the crook of my neck and we both slept. (You better than me.)

Some tell me I should just let you cry it out. But I can't. I spent too many years with babies who stopped crying because no one ever came. I can meet your needs, and so I do. I trust that someday you'll grow to be an independent little girl, but right now you can be a dependent little baby. I love every moment, and sometimes I wish I could slow it all down... for it is moving far too quickly. But I hear it just keeps getting better and better, so instead of wishing you'd slow down, I think I'll just try to enjoy the ride.

I love you sweet girl. You are such a gift.

These Days

2011-10-06T11:29:00.000-05:00

So where have I been? Well to be honest, I have my hands full.

With this...

And this...

And some of this, too...

Oh, and I almost forgot this...

It's been busy, to say the least. And on top of that, she's starting to teeth. So my sweet little happy baby has turned into a crankasaurus. It has been a little umm... shall we say difficult around here lately?

But to be honest... it is something more, too. I've been in a funk lately, too. Questioning a lot of stuff - like my purpose outside of motherhood. The "reason" for the life path we've taken and some of the experiences we've had and the effect they've had on us. What my identity is and why I feel so restless/lost sometimes. (On some days it seems like diaper-changer would be an adequate title.)

And the strange thing is... all of these feelings (though I know they are pretty normal) end up making me feel crazy-guilty because just look at the gift I've been given! Why can't I just be content?

No answers really... just questions.

Worth it All: Kevin's Story

2011-09-14T12:38:00.000-05:00

In light of the tragedy of losing Paige at NDFH, I cannot think of a better way to end this fundraising drive then with the story I have to share with you today. Laine, Kevin's mama, shares her story... a story that isn't yet over but shows just how very much this is all worth it. I love the end of it, especially.

------------

I have been so blessed to read all the amazing stories that New Day moms and dads have shared on Carrie’s blog the past six days! Haven’t yall? I mean, if these stories don’t increase your faith and make ya wanna give give give then you must not be breathing! :)

Here is our New Day miracle boy Kevin:

We first saw his picture in January 2009. After looking at his file along with the various cardiologist opinions, it was apparent that without further medical attention, Kevin would be in dire straits. Kevin was diagnosed with a severe congenital heart condition. He has dextrocardia, heterotaxy, hypoplastic left heart syndrome, & a large VSD. He also had severe pulmonary hypertension. When he was almost two he was moved from his orphanage in Hunan province to New Day in hopes of receiving the medical care he so desperately needed.

Here he is upon first arriving at New Day: Scared, Sick, Sullen & Shy

Kevin is a rare case, and the surgeons in Beijing were very concerned that he would not survive surgery. It was decided that Kevin needed to wait until he could be adopted to attempt any surgical procedures on his weak and frail little body. The nannies at the Healing Home took such good care of Kevin.

They made sure he did not overly exert himself. They made sure he had healthy foods to eat. They kept a close eye on Kevin’s oxygen levels. And above all of these necessities, they made sure Kevin was loved, loved, and loved some more. Oh how thankful we are for the tender care his nannies, as well as so many interns and staff gave to Kevin. We know, without a shadow of a doubt, that God used New Day to save Kevin for us.

Upon arriving home it was indeed confirmed that Kevin’s pulmonary hypertension was too extensive for him to survive the Glenn procedure, which he needed for his single ventricle heart defect. Instead of the Glenn, Kevin received a much less invasive BT shunt to redirect blood flow and hopefully help repair his damaged lungs. Our hope is that over time, his lungs will be in a good place that he might receive his heart repair surgery. We praise God that in the 17 months since his shunt was placed, his lungs have improved somewhat, and he is doing really well! Are his lungs to that ‘magic number’ where the doctors feel comfortable performing the surgery? Not yet. Will they ever be? God knows.

Here is what we do know:
God saved Kevin. While most moms of heart babies are thankful their children had heart surgery at New Day, we are thankful Kevin did NOT have surgery! The surgeons in Beijing were wise and discerning in suggesting Kevin needed to wait on surgery. Indeed, his little lungs just couldn’t have taken it. What a BLESSING that New Day has such caring doctors who look to the best interest of each child, taking into account their individual health and prognosis.

The recent death of little Paige has not only caused much sadness at New Day, but it has hit really close to home for us. Our hearts hurt for those who loved her so. Paige had similar defects to Kevin. We realize that Kevin could easily not be here with us today. Heck, everyday we realize we don’t have a clue how long he WILL be with us. Kevin is worth that risk. Paige was worth that risk too. The unconditional love that New Day shows to each child truly brings healing. Maybe their physical defects are not immediately healed, but their little hearts and souls are soothed with the balm of love and physical touch. They are EACH so very WORTH IT ALL.

The matching fund goal has been met, PRAISE GOD! But the needs? They go far beyond that goal, yall. Please don’t stop giving. After 7 days of stories, real-life-heart–beating-tear- invoking-stories, we can all see that every dollar given to New Day goes toward changing and saving LIVES of children who are WORTH IT ALL!

Kevin Today: Spunky, Sassy, Silly & Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!!!!!!!!!!!

-----------------

As Laine pointed out, the fundraising drive is over and we reached our goal. $30,000 for NDFH's medical fund. But as she also pointed out, the needs don't stop there. If you didn't get a chance to give, and you want to do so, please feel free to donate to the medical fund either online or by check - instructions are on NDFH's website.

And did you see the comment left on our blog yesterday?

As one of the families who is providing the "match" for this fundraiser, I want to thank everyone so much for their generosity and living out so beautifully the call to care for orphans. I am thankful we met our "goal", but if you want to give and haven't done so yet, we will still match whatever comes in before the chip-in ends tomorrow, even that which is above the $5000. I don't know our max...push us! :-) And dear sweet Paige, rest in your Father's arms.

So what do you say?! If you give and want your gift to be matched, please drop me an email and let me know how much you sent. I'll pass it along to the person doing the matching grant. Why stop doing a good thing!?

And in closing, I want to say THANK YOU SO MUCH! On a personal note, it meant a lot to me to see this goal reached. Margaret Mead once said, ""Never underestimate the power of a small group of committed people to change the world. In fact, it is the only thing that ever has." That, my friends, is what we are doing.

Da Da Da

2011-09-13T11:15:00.000-05:00

So lately Cora has been trying to say Daddy. At first we thought she was just making random sounds, and didn't want to be "those parents." You know, the ones who think every gurgle and babble is a budding treatise on the state of world peace.

But lately, she's become much more intentional about it... When he comes home from work, she'll say it when he walks in the door, and the other morning she was repeating it over and over in her crib as he got ready to go to work. It's funny, she always whispers "da da da" when she's talking to him or about him... otherwise her babbling is quite loud.

After I took this video, I replayed it to make sure the sound worked before uploading. Cora could hear our recorded voices, and she was quiet and listening until she heard me say "Say Daddy" on the video... then she started whispering "Da, Da, Da" all over again. So, I do think this is a legitimate effort at calling out to him. Smart girl. She's well on her way to having him completely wrapped around her finger.

You can catch another one of her "talking games" on this video. The last week or so, she loves to talk back and forth with anyone who will repeat the sounds she's making. In the beginning she was doing a bit of that. It didn't last long in the video, but sometimes the game goes on for quite a while.

Oh, and does she say mama yet? Only when she's whining and crawling across the floor to me. It's never in this sweet and cute little voice.

A Mother's Prayers: Khloe's Story

2011-09-13T09:11:00.000-05:00

Before sharing today's beautiful story, I have some very exciting news! Hope International, a small adoption agency in Dallas, TX, has just committed to giving the remainder of the funds to the matching grant drive. You know what that means?! WE HAVE REACHED OUR GOAL! (They are sending their donation via check, which is why it doesn't show up on the ChipIn bar.)

Say it with me friends - WE DID IT!

And it couldn't have come on a better day... Monday, September 12 was a terribly hard day for everyone at NDFH. Sweet little Paige passed away at 6 months of age. I know from my time at NDFH that that you wonder if it's all worth it when you lose a little one... it makes you question everything. So for them to get news that we reached the medical fund goal just a few hours after they got the terrible news about little Paige's passing; well I know it is a reminder that though the way is hard, it is the right path. Please be praying for the staff of NDFH today; especially Andrea, the nanny who first did CPR on Paige.

I still have the remaining two stories I lined up for this week, and I want to share them because they are simply too beautiful, too encouraging, and too amazing not to pass along. And, for these last two days of stories, I'm going to go ahead and leave that ChipIn box up there. Now, we have met our goal of $30,000 this summer, but I know there might be a few people out there who still want to contribute. Anything given from this point forward is simply above and beyond what we aimed to raise... one excess which is never a bad thing.

Today, Khloe's mama Tanya is sharing her daughter's story.

-----------

Our beautiful daughter, Khloe Mei, was born in Fujian Province on February 8, 2008. Just two days later, she was abandoned at the gate of the local orphanage, where they quickly discovered that she was born with an obvious special need and was diagnosed with bladder exstrophy, where her bladder was actually on the ‘outside’ of her body. Upon being found she was immediately taken to the local hospital for treatment. However, they were not equipped to handle her case, so she was transferred to a larger city. This hospital was also unable to do her surgery, so the orphanage made a request to New Day for help. On May 5, 2008, baby Khloe arrived in Beijing. Her case was still too complicated for the hospital in Beijing to handle, so arrangements were made for Khloe to receive treatments in Hong Kong four months later. Over the next few months, she was lovingly cared for by the amazing staff at New Day as she grew and gained strength for the surgery that was to come.

In the meantime, half-a-world away, I had begun to research special needs adoption in China. Through a series of blogs and other posts, I began to hear the name “New Day Foster Home” popping up over and over in a rather condensed period of time. It caught my attention and eventually I spotted a link that led me to their website. What I found there changed our lives forever and would set us on a path that we were not yet aware.

The moment I landed on the NDFH website, I knew something was very different. I did not just see a list of “special needs” faces that I felt sorry for but were someone else’s child to worry about… No, instead I saw smiling happy faces. Short video clips of children learning, playing, giggling and having fun. Kids being KIDS! ~ Kids with a variety of medical needs who were also “fearfully and wonderfully made” by our Creator, and all of whom deserved a family of their own. It became blatantly obvious to me that New Day was a very special place and the children there were extremely blessed to be in such tender care. They did an amazing job of making these kids ‘more than a picture’ on their website and so very real.

Day after day, I found myself back on their site, looking at the photos and watching the videos. It wasn’t long before my two older children were joining me. We were all so captivated by the kids and seeds were being planted in all of our hearts. The kids and I started picking out a new child each day, learning more about their needs and praying over them. It wasn’t long before I had signed up for their Newsletter and after a series of correspondences, was asked if I would like to join their prayer team. I took that honor very seriously and spent much time in prayer for these little ones. Of course we all had our ‘favorites’ but one baby girl always stood out to me. I couldn’t put my finger on why, but it was clear my heart was burdened for her. Her name at the time was “Elise” and I learned everything I could about her need and the surgery that was to come.

On September 7, 2008 Khloe (then Elise) flew with Karen and Grace to MedArt in Hong Kong to begin a series of tests and meet with a team of various specialists before her surgery could take place. There are many details of ‘our story’ that I am leaving out here, but I will just say that God was working a miracle and he was allowing me to be a very small part of it half-a-world away. The day of her surgery, proved to be a sleepless night for me here in the States. I was on my knees, literally, for this special little girl who had stolen my heart. Thanks to the many sponsors who gave to New Day, Khloe received a surgery that was laced with God’s finger prints and one that gave her a new life and hope for a future. This little baby girl, whose pelvis was once separated and whose bladder was once on the outside of her body, was now “repaired” and with an outcome better than the surgeons had every seen in a difficult case like hers before! New Day kept a journal of her recovery at the time, and the progress truly is amazing. From the many prayers that were going up for her from around the world, to the top-notch care she received both at New Day and at MedArt, and the financial support of sponsors that helped to pay for her surgery and months of aftercare as she recovered… they ALL played an integral part in helping to make her the happy and healthy little girl she is today. Every single one of them are part of Khloe’s story, part of “our” story. What I didn’t know at that time, was this little girl named Elise that I was praying for, was soon to be my daughter Khloe! I was praying for my daughter, long before I knew she was mine!

In June of 2009, we received our adoption approval to move forward with making this precious little girl our daughter. And in May of 2010, EXACTLY sixteen months ago today, we arrived in China and saw our sweet daughter’s face for the very first time in the flesh. We boarded that jet plane as a family of four, and returned as a very BLESSED family of FIVE! We are forever grateful to New Day and the life-saving, life-changing care they sought out and helped to provide for our daughter. Looking at Khloe today, you’d never know she was that same baby girl. She is a thriving, happy, energetic, well-adjusted, loving, caring, silly, ADORABLE little girl who is very excited to start her dance classes this month. DANCE classes, people! From a baby who could not walk due to her special medical need, to a little girl who not only walks, but runs, jumps, climbs and DANCES! Thank you to New Day and THANK YOU to all of her sponsors who played a HUGE part in making her the healthy little girl she is today. Our lives are forever blessed and changed for the better because of you!

A Whole Heart: Adahlyn's Story

2011-09-12T10:29:00.000-05:00

Today's story is from Adahlyn's mama, Alycia. We have two days left in this drive and only need to raise about $1,200 more. You can give online by clicking the ChipIn button on the right side of this blog. All funds go directly to NDFH. Or you can give offline by mailing a check to New Day's office in Texas. Just include a note that says it is for the medical fund drive, and drop me an email so that I can include that total in the final amount, as it won't show up on the ChipIn bar.

Our daughter, Adahlyn was born in the coal capital of China. The city where she lived the first 13 months of her life is known as the "most-polluted" in the world. Because of the coal mines, there are a lot of birth defects. Adahlyn was born with "Holt-Oram Syndrome," roughly translated as heart-hand syndrome. She was listed as a special needs child. She has a repaired ASD (heart condition) and has a "radial clubbed hand." That basically means that she is missing the radius bone in her right forearm and as a result, that arm is shorter and her hand curves in at the wrist. Two of her fingers on her "little hand" are fused and she has no thumb.

Thanks to donors around the world, Adahlyn had her heart surgery soon after she arrived at New Day Foster Home. Last week, I took her in for an in-depth echo cardiogram. Her cardiologist was amazed at how wonderful her heart is doing. The best news? Adahlyn doesn't have to go back to the cardiologist for 2 years!

While she was listed as a special needs child, she is definitely not needy! She is smart, sweet and funny! She learned English in less than 5 months, and continues to amaze us. We know that she was well-loved while she was at New Day because she is so loving to us. A friend of mine was impressed at how seamlessly she fit into our family. It truly is like she has always been with us. We cannot imagine our life without her now.

Before Adahlyn came to New Day Foster Home, her caregivers believed that no one would want to adopt her due to her "defects." After we got our adoption approval, we discovered that there were 3 other families that wanted to bring her home!

At New Day, Adahlyn learned that she is a wonderful gift from God. She learned that she is well loved, and cared for, and that she is worthy of affection. New Day Foster Home and the donors that helped her have heart surgery will always be a part of our extended family. We cannot see her without thanking God for allowing her to be a part of the New Day family.

The gifts of love and health that Adahlyn received while she was at New Day Foster Home will be with her all her life. We are so very grateful to each and every one who gives to "the least of these." Thank you!

Back from the Brink: Evan's Story

2011-09-11T14:02:00.000-05:00

Today Molly is sharing her son Evan's story. Evan's is one of the most amazing stories I remember from our time at New Day... mostly because the transformation was just so visible.

For those who are just joining us, we're in the final days of a fundraising drive for NDFH's medical fund. You can donate by clicking on the ChipIn button on the side of the blog; all funds go directly to NDFH. And remember, all donations are tripled by matching grants! We are about 70 percent of the way to our goal... a few more days to reach the final 30 percent. Can't wait for us to reach our goal so that we can help more little ones like Evan.

It was mid-January 2009 when I saw Evan's sweet face for the first time. However, his story started long before that. Like so many special needs children in China, it is a miracle that he is alive. Born with a bilateral cleft lip & palate as well as other syndrome-related issues, Evan was in the last few days of his life when he arrived at New Day. He arrived at the close of December 2008; he was two years old and weighed in around 10lbs. Evan was, literally, skin and bones.

On that mid-January day, I did not expect to see the face of my son, but I did. When one looks at these pictures of orphaned children, or children who have severe birth defects, most tend to think that he or she is the child of someone else. That picture was my son, but little did I know he was in a fight for his life. Despite the grim reality that Evan was on his death bed, New Day took him in. They loved him, prayed over him, fed him and gave him everything they had. No one knew for sure what was wrong with him, but they did know that he was a precious soul. They did not give up, and soon, Evan could sit up again, then stand, then walk. He even began to smile. It wasn't much longer that he was medically stable and could start preschool. Then he was placed into a foster family.

Just a few short weeks after that we received our approval to adopt Evan, and he was home a year later. Evan is remarkable, and Evan is brilliant. He is tenacious and loving and full of joy.

It was my child that New Day made all the difference for. It was his life that they made all the difference for. New Day made it possible for Evan to not just survive, but to thrive. Fixing hearts and cleft palates are one thing, but New Day goes far beyond medical care. They also work to heal the soul of the child. They did that for Evan, and continue to do that with each new little life that is under their care. As you can see, Evan is definitely not the same dying little boy who joined the New Day family in December of 2008. He is an amazing and courageous 5 year old with a heart full of love and life full of smiles.

----
Molly blogs at Everyday Miracles.

A Priceless Gift: Emma's Story

2011-09-10T10:36:00.000-05:00

If you're just joining us, we're in the final days of a summertime fundraising drive for NDFH's medical and surgical fund. We are $2,000 away from meeting our summertime goal of $30,000. And remember, all donations are TRIPLED by matching grants. To give, just click on the ChipIn box there to the right side of this blog; all funds go directly to New Day Foster Home and are tax-deductible to the fullest extent allowed by law. Let's finish strong!

Today's story is written by Emma Lael's mama, Andrea.

---------------

Emma Lael Sisler... born July 2007 in Hohhot, Inner Mongolia... found in a hospital corridor at 1-3 days old. I am now the proud mother of this wonderful, smart, healthy, adorable, energetic, talkative, chatty -- Did I mention she is talkative? -- vibrant, sweet, loving, caring, compassionate 4-year-old little girl.

Emma Lael was born with tetrology of fallot (TOF), which is 4 separate heart defects. All four of her defects were major defects... on a scale of 1-10, all four of her heart defects were 8-10. She had her first open heart surgery in August 2007 and her 2nd open heart surgery in November 2008. Without the kindness and generosity of everyday people like you and me, she would NOT be our daughter today..

When I think of the people who donated to the New Day medical fund to help the children at New Day, my heart sing with JOY. I couldn't help her at that time; I didn't even know she was my daughter! God knew this all the time. I've had the privilege of being a neonatal open heart transplant nurse for over 28 year now; the percentage of survival without surgery for a TOF baby is ZERO!!! TOF is not compatable with life. With that said, Emma Lael needed to have surgery to survive; she didn't only survive, but she has been home now for 11 months and is off all of her cardiac medications!

She has been seen 3 times by a cardiologist and will have her next appointment September 20th, the 1 year anniversary of our adoption of her. The doctors in China who performed her surgery did a great job; knowing how costly an open heart surgery is the donation you give truly is a LIFE SAVER

Go ahead, be a LIFE CHANGER and help a child at New Day today. Emma Lael is a normal 4 year old who runs, jumps, swims, and plays like any other 4 year old does. Knowing she would never have survived without the 2 life saving surgeries she was given at New Day hurts my heart when I look at her today, but knowing total strangers wrote a check to New Day to save a little girls life that they didn't even know and most likely will never know... that is PRICELESS!!!

-----

Andrea blogs at God's Gracious Gift.

Maria's Story

2011-09-09T10:14:00.000-05:00

It's Day Two of a 7-day series of guest posts from NDFH adoptive families. Today Forrest is sharing his daughter Maria's story. I remember when Maria first came to New Day. She lived in the Healing Home, which was in the apartment directly beside my own. She was so very blue... literally. Her body couldn't get enough oxygen from her little broken heart. She was so weak she couldn't get out of bed, so sometimes I'd sit beside her bed and hold her hand and sing songs, all the while making sure her oxygen mask didn't slip out of place. In fact, I wrote about her in a couple of blog posts... (At the time, her name was Kerstin... that was before she was matched with her family and given the name Maria.)

As we wrap up the summer fundraising drive for NDFH's medical/surgical fund, I hope these stories encourage you to see the miracle of New Day from the perspective a mamas and daddies who are blessed to watch a little one grow up who wouldn't be here if not for NDFH and its supporters. Put yourself in their shoes for a moment... imagine adopting a little one whose life was saved by strangers before you ever knew her name.

Today NDFH has new little ones... Children like Rebecca, Luke, and Carissa. Someday their mamas and daddies will tuck them into bed and whisper a prayer of thanks for people like you and me... people who carried their children when they couldn't yet.

Can we finish this fundraising drive strong? I know it requires a sacrifice, but what would we not do for our children? We are just about $2500 away from meeting our goal... and remember, every dollar you give to this drive is tripled. $20 becomes $60. $100 becomes $300. And orphans become daughters and sons. Lives are saved and worlds are changed.

We can do this.

-------------

Maria's the bundle of joy in the middle.

We have been blessed with 3 biological sons and with three adopted daughters. We first became familiar with New Day when adopting our third daughter Maria. After our referral we started seeing New Day referenced in some of the updates, so upon searching a bit we found that she was indeed at New Day.

We were amazed to see how wonderfully Maria was doing while there. We read about how sick she was when she arrived there and that it was questionable if she would survive surgery. We heard from people who had prayed for her as she had surgery and recovered. We are thankful for those who prayed for her and for those who gave money to help pay for surgery that she needed in China.

When we traveled to China to adopt Maria we were blessed to visit New Day and see Maria with her friends at New Day. We saw first-hand how the children at New Day were loved and how God was blessing the work there. Children that many said would not survive made it through surgery and went on to thrive. Children that would have died in an orphanage suddenly get the blessing of love and more importantly the blessing of someone praying for them. Just look at the pictures on the New Day site showing the remarkable transformations of children as they experience love and care like they have never seen before.

When we arrived home with Maria and went in for her first visit to the cardiologist, he asked “How old is she?” When we told him she was 4.5 years old, he remarked that she should not have lived that long. We knew that it was the grace of God and the loving work of New Day that was the reason she made it. We are confident that had New Day not intervened for her she likely would not have survived in the orphanage.

We are happy to say that since coming home Maria has had her second surgery and is doing great. Today she was in for a checkup with the cardiologist and he is extremely happy with how she is doing. She is even doing gymnastics this year and is active in so many ways.

We witness the results of New Day’s work every day when we see Maria running, playing and smiling. We are thankful every day for the work that New Day is doing and we whole-heartedly support New Day and ask that you too join in the match to help raise much-needed funds for this work.

Thank you God for New Day that has made a difference in the life of our child.

-----

Forrest and Robin blog at The Collier Bunch.

The Reader's Digest Boy

2011-09-08T10:34:00.000-05:00

"By God's grace He chose to use New Day, its volunteers, and its generous donors to save our son's life before we knew his name. The New Day family prayed for, provided for, nurtured and loved our son before we were able to." -Jenna, talking about her son Cooper.

I am super-excited about this next week on our little blog. In the final 7 days of our fundraising drive for NDFH's medical/surgical fund, I've lined up 7 NDFH adoptive families to share their stories with you. I hope that as we read them, we each remember that it could have been our child who needed the love and compassion of strangers to save their lives. The little ones who benefit from the medical/surgical funds we raise this summer could be our sons and daughters. We have one week to raise $2,500 to reach our summertime goal of $30,000, which is a lot of surgeries and acute medical care for little ones who need us to carry them through. I have no doubt that we can accomplish this goal; giving a few more children the chance to know the love of a family.

First up, we have Jenna, sharing her son Cooper's story.

10 short months ago we had the privilege of bringing home our son, Cooper, from China. While we were having his medical review done previous to accepting his referral, the international adoption specialist we consulted with about his health told us that from his medical records it seemed as though Cooper was "pulled back just in time from the precipice of death" when he had his surgery at 13 months old.

She told us that he is a "Reader's Digest" child. Unfamiliar with that term, we asked her what she meant. She said that he is a child that defied the odds. That by all human explanation should not be alive, but is alive only because of a string of really "lucky" and timely events -- and he is the kind of child that ends up being featured in Reader's Digest when they go on to do great things.

"By all human explanation." "Lucky."

No. There is not a human explanation, and luck had nothing to do with it.

We have the joy of hearing Cooper laugh big belly laughs because of the amazing people at New Day Foster Home in China who cooperated with God to bring him all the way from the other side of China, and provide him with the surgery that saved his life.

We have the privilege of snuggling Cooper close when he is afraid because of people who give faithfully and generously to New Day's ministry to allow them to provide life-saving surgeries for children who have little hope of survival otherwise and no one else to advocate for them.

We have the opportunity to teach Cooper about the God who loves him and created him because of New Day volunteers and supporters who pray faithfully and fervently for the kids while they are in surgery with no mom or dad to pray for them.

We are humbled anew by Cooper's presence every day at the dinner table, in the car, snuggled up on the couch, and while brushing teeth at bedtime, and reminded of the kind of difference New Day and the New Day family of supporters made in our lives. Because there is nothing we could have done to make it so. By God's grace He chose to use New Day, its volunteers, and its generous donors to save our son's life before we knew his name. The New Day family prayed for, provided for, nurtured and loved our son before we were able to.

As parents, there are not words to express what that means to us, to our family, and what it will ultimately mean to Cooper when he is old enough to truly understand.

God is writing amazing stories through the lives of the children that are saved at New Day. Kids that "by all human explanation" should not be alive, but are, because of God's grace and power to be "plantings of the Lord for the display of His splendor."

We are simply left to stand in humble amazement for all that God has done, and to praise and thank Him daily for allowing us to be part of the story.

---------
Jenna writes at her blog, Many Colored Days.

First World Problems

2011-09-07T13:52:00.000-05:00

It has been one of those weeks.

Our entire little family was sick... Cora had a stuffy nose and a cough one night, and though she seemed fine the next afternoon, three days later I was out of commission. I finally went to the doctor, and she loaded me up on antibiotics after diagnosing me with just about every -itis in the books. Jacob caught it too, so we were quite the sickly pair trying to take care of a busy baby girl.

But we all got mostly better just in time for our trip to Washington over Labor Day weekend. It's been planned for nearly a year; a celebration of my grandparents' 60th wedding anniversary. Except we never made it out of the airport.

A bird flew into the engine of our plane, grounding it indefinitely. The alternative schedule the airline came up with for us had us arriving at our destination at nearly 4 am TX time, a near impossibility for our little "barely-well" family. Long, ugly story short -- The trip was off.

So frustrating...

But you know... this is, as they call it, a "first world problem."

I'm not going to lie. It sent us into a funk and made us quite irritable and grumpy. But we are all still breathing. We do have medicine to take for our various -itis maladies. And our baby is healthy and happy and quite plump. My friend Caroline lives in Kenya, and in an email to me the other day, she shared this: We have a friend who works for the World Food Programme, and he described this tent in a refugee camp where nursing mothers go to try and feed their babies. He said the babies are so malnourished, they just vomit up whatever little milk their moms can produce. The other day when our errands ran a little late, Cora decided she was STARVING in the 5 minute drive home. She screamed the whole way home, and her cries made me ache until I could meet her need. What if I couldn't?! What would I do when she resigned herself to the hunger and simply stopped crying?

What do we do with this world?! This crazy, crazy world where a few of us are browsing Etsy for cute accents for our already beautiful homes while most of us try to cobble together something for our children to eat for dinner tonight. Where some of us whine about fallen-through travel plans while others make plans to escape their famine and war-struck countries on foot. Where some of us run to Walgreens to take away our every ache and pain, while most of us couldn't even imagine what that kind of medical care access would be like. Is it not absolutely surreal? I wonder every day why I was dealt the lucky hand...

I know I can't take the weight of the world on my shoulders... that's a burden He doesn't ask us to bear, for He already carries it. But He does ask us to find our place and care; to order our priorities so that those who have not can have a little more... to share with those who are hungry, hurting, ill-clothed, and without shelter. That's what we've been doing this summer with the fundraiser for NDFH's medical fund. We have one week left, friends. One week to raise about $2,500. And when we raise that, it will automatically be tripled to $7,500 and we will meet our summertime goal of $30,000 for surgeries and medical care for some little ones who don't yet have mamas and papas to do it for them.

Let's do this.

The Cora Show

2011-08-25T08:46:00.000-05:00

First of all, before we start the show, some of you have asked if you can donate to the matching grant fundraiser off-line. Yes, you can. You can mail a check for your donation to the following address. Please just include a note saying it is for the medical fund. And then drop me a note to let me know how much you sent so that I can add it to the total, as it obviously won't be reflected in the ChipIn box, but we want it to be counted!

Check payable to:
New Day Charities
P.O. Box 311671
New Braunfels, TX 78131-1671

And now, on with the show!

I've taken a bunch of videos of Cora in the last few weeks and recently uploaded them. Figured the fam (Especially my grandma and aunt! Hi guys!) would love to see them, as they often request more!

Here they are!

Swinging! Her new favorite thing.

Looking outside... and griping because she can't get down without falling on her butt. She pulls herself up, but doesn't like going back down. So she fusses until we help her.

Helping mama do the dishes... and playing (and tasting) some of the soap bubbles.

She figured I definitely needed some help cooking... especially with getting the pots and pans out.

It wasn't that long ago when she slept in a laundry basket. Now she's using them to help practice standing.

A Full Heart

2011-08-24T14:00:00.000-05:00

Many of you who have followed our blog know that there is a precious little girl at the foster home in China who will always hold a special place in my heart.

Her name is Cora.

We didn't really name our Cora after her; in fact, in a strange way, it's probably her name that drew me to her. When there are 50 children, it's hard to feel connected with each and every one of them... so when a fellow volunteer chose my favorite little girl name for the new baby with a serious heart condition, I immediately felt drawn to her.

And the connection grew... it was no secret that she was my "favorite" among the staff, nannies, even her home orphanage officials. Of course I treated all the children equally, and I truly do love each and every one of them, but Cora held a very special place in my heart. In fact, my parting gift from NDFH was a framed picture of Cora and me together.

I dreamed up ways to adopt her. Jacob and I aren't yet 30, but I knew the right people who could pull the right strings, and I wondered if maybe I could make her "mine" forever. But I never really had a peace to try and pull those strings. I'm no stranger to "working the system," but in this instance I had a very strong sense that I needed to sit back and wait. To be still and to let God do what He would do. (I did struggle with doubt; wondering if this was actually cowardice in disguise. But it seemed so settled in my soul, I could do nothing but be still.)

Naming our daughter Cora was actually quite complicated. I still harbored hope in the days leading up to her birth that the other Cora would someday be ours; after all she wasn't yet matched and we were only two years away from adoption eligibility. And I would often ask Jacob, "Whose name would we change?" But the morning the doctor said, "It's a girl!" and asked me what her name would be, Cora Eve slipped out. And in my heart I knew. I'd always love the other Cora, but I needed to let her go. I had to surrender her.

My two Coras.

And we left China a month later... I hugged her long and hard, wondering if we'd ever hear about where she ended up. I prayed she would find a family soon -- after all, I never wanted her to still be an orphan by the time we were officially eligible to adopt her. But part of me was so sad thinking about the fact that I'd probably never know what happened.

A few months later, I got word that she was matched... but I had no idea to whom. I thought that if it were someone who knew of my love for her, they'd tell me -- so I just assumed she was going somewhere I'd never know. It made my heart ache a little, but I was so thankful she had a family.

A few weeks later I got an email from a good friend of mine in Dallas... her cryptic message hinted none too subtly that her family was pursuing Cora's adoption. I seriously screamed when I read her note. And yesterday it was made official; they received PA to bring her home. My little China Cora isn't going somewhere I don't know; she's going to remain in my life. She's coming home to a mama who has loved her as long as I have, and she's going to remain Cora... the name that fits her oh so well isn't changing.

She's coming home, and my heart is so full at the goodness of God. How great He is for working all of this out -- without me conniving, manipulating, striving, or trying to work the system in any way at all. I am reminded yet again that when I cease striving and be still before Him, He always gives good gifts. (Well, I don't think His giving of good gifts is contingent on us being still; but wow! It's so much more amazing and This-Is-Holy-Ground-Aware when we've done nothing on our own accord.)

A Wise Investment

2011-08-18T15:48:00.000-05:00

You give $5, and it is multipled to $15. $50 becomes $150. $500 becomes $1500. There aren't many things that give you this kind of return... especially these days.

But the NDFH Medical/Surgical Fund Matching Grant has just become this promising.

Another lover of NDFH just emailed me yesterday and offered another $5,000 to this matching grant drive. Which means for every dollar we raise, two separate families will match it, dollar for dollar, up to $5,000. So we're less than $5,000 away from another $15,000. Which would double our summer-time total, raising $30,000 for New Day in the last few months.

But it's more than that.

It's an investment in the future. In the next generation. In little ones like Jewel.

There's no way to quantify those returns.

Big Dreams

2011-08-16T14:56:00.005-05:00

So I have to tell you there's this little hope I've been harboring in my heart. As a community, we've raised $14,000 for New Day Foster Home's medical fund this summer. Can you say AMAZING?

Seriously, that was just such an exciting part of my summer. But there was this little piece of my heart that wanted more. I hoped we could tip the scale and raise $20,000 for the fund.

Another bloggy friend emailed and said she and her family decided that they wanted to get involved. So they are offering a $5,000 matching grant. You know what that means?

My hope would be blown out of the water by an extra $4,000 dollars! If we can meet this match grant, we'd have raised $24,000 this summer for NDFH's medical fund.

Friends, I know it is a strain, and I know I've already asked a few times in the past few weeks... and I know many of you have already given generously and sacrificially. But I really believe we can do this!!

Because you know what it means?

It means more friendships like these:

And more sweet dreams like these:

And more joyous days like these:

In short, it means LIFE for precious, beautiful children who need us to carry them when it seems like the world has forgotten.

We can do this for them. I know it.

Fine Print: To give, just click on the ChipIn box in the top right of this blog. You can also add the code for the ChipIn box to your own blog. Let's share this cause with our facebook friends and any other communities we are a part of. All funds go directly to NDFH, not to me or any other middleman. And my hairbow offer still stands! (That is, for any donation of $50 or more, email me and I'll make you a hairbow. I cover the cost of the hairbow, so your full donation goes to NDFH. This is just my fun little icing on the cake.)

Now.

2011-08-15T14:52:00.000-05:00

She is 7 months old now.

She's giving me kisses now.
First thing in the morning, especially. Big, open-mouthed, sloppy wet kisses. But they are the sweetest things, and make me laugh. It is hard to believe she is old enough to be kissing. And she's also old enough to coyly withhold them from daddy.

She's crawling everywhere now.
And her favorite place to go? Into the bathroom where she knows I've tucked away the dog food. If she gets too quiet, I can be sure she's making a beeline for the open bathroom door, and more than once I've dug crunchy bits of food out of her clenched-down jaw. Honestly I wouldn't care so much, except right now it could make her choke.

She's full of curiousity now.
She loves playing peek-a-boo and going outside. She adores the water. She watches everything so intently... you can just see her little wheels turning. When we walk up the stairs, she giggles and giggles if she's in her daddy's arms and she can lean over and see me on the landing below. That bird's eye perspective provides endless amusement right now.

The other day Jacob walked in the front door of our apartment after a long day at work. Cora and I were sitting on the couch; I was doing something on the computer. I looked over my shoulder and said, "Oh, hey there," and turned back to what I was doing. But I caught a glimpse of Cora as I turned away from him. She was still looking right at him, and her eyes lit up and a wide smile spread across her face. She started squealing and giggling.

I was distracted and busy - dealing with something that seemed so pressing at the moment. I offered a casual hello and went back to my own concerns... my own self-absorption. But not Cora. She had no concerns beyond the present moment. And at that moment, Daddy was home. She had nothing but pure joy for the gift of now. At that exact moment, getting scooped up in Daddy's arms was the only thing that mattered in her universe. She was fully present, fully alive, fully soaking in the joy of right now.

And I thought, "Have faith like a child."

Isn't that just what it is? Faith? Trusting that right now is all we really need? Faith that God has given us good gifts for this moment to be enjoyed, savored, and loved and from that a trust that whatever comes next will also be held in His palm? I want to learn this from my baby girl... how to stake down my tent in the land of right now. How to soak up every beautiful moment for all that it is; for just like the last 7 months, it will pass far too quickly.

Myopic Motherhood

2011-08-08T10:28:00.000-05:00

It seems like my world revolves around nap schedules and diaper changes, and my brain seems consumed with the one pressing question: Why is she still getting up 4 times a night? What can I do to help her sleep on her own?

In my bible study last week, I was sharing that sometimes motherhood feels myopic to me. Until 7 months ago, my focus was on hundreds of children. Now it is on one. Don't misunderstand me… I LOVE being Cora's mama. Every single day I am thankful that I get to spend my time with her, and I am soaking in every single moment.

But the monotony of motherhood - the diapers, feedings, naps, laundry - sometimes rattles me. I'm silent on this blog nowadays… mostly because I feel like I have nothing to say. (And little time to say it.) I know that is a lie, planted in my head by the one who wants to dishearten me from my task. But it is hard to feel valuable, meaningful, and relevant when I am spending considerable portions of my day scanning the floor for potential choking hazards.

(Because she will find them.)

I know what I'm doing matters. I know it is the most important job I could have right now. I know all the right things we mama's say to each other. And I do know they are true. But some days there is a disconnect between what I know and what I feel, and what I feel is sometimes that I have lost a bit of myself somewhere along the way… lost the part of me that has a big heart for the forgotten and an energy and a drive to make a difference. It's a little scary, confusing, and even discouraging at times - I just don't feel like I have much to emotionally offer to the causes I was so passionate about just a few short months ago.

I guess that's why I feel motherhood can be a bit myopic. All my focus on one, when part of my heart still desires to focus on the others. But last week, in my study of 1 Peter for bible study, a particular passage jumped out at me. It was an odd one - the first time I read it, I honestly thought that it didn't even apply to me, so I skipped ahead. It's about elders… But then for some reason I came back to it. (Actually the reason is that this particular study has us reading and journaling about a few verses a day. You can't really skip a section you don't think is applicable when it is THE section you are supposed to focus on for the day. It's good for me, because what tends to happen is I find the most conviction/life-change in the passages I initially write off as irrelevant. Funny how that works.)

Care for the flock that God has entrusted to you. Watch over it willingly, not grudgingly - not for what you will get out of it, but because you are eager to serve God. Don't lord it over the people assigned to your care, but lead them by your own good example. And when the Great Shepherd appears, you will receive a crown of never-ending glory and honor.
-1 Peter 5:2-4

Willingly, not grudgingly… oh to always have this attitude. For me, motherhood is the epitome of servanthood; and being a servant isn't glamorous and it doesn't get you acclaim. I so often struggle with feeling inadequate; not as smart and talented as I once was or as my peers who are still "in the trenches" of orphan care, the workplace, or any other responsibility that doesn't center around a baby.

But in this passage, God spoke loud and clear to me. When I'm changing Cora's diaper, or rocking her to sleep, or feeding her in the middle of the night, I'm serving HIM. Not an earthly boss, but the God of all Creation.

I'm reading Sacred Parenting by Gary Thomas right now. It's a great book, not about how to raise your children, but about how raising your children shapes your soul. Powerful and convicting stuff. In it, he says anger towards infants is rooted in inconvenience to the parents. So very true. The other night, I was rocking Cora for an hour straight! She STILL wouldn't go to sleep! I had plans for my evening, for that sacred time after she was asleep, and they were all falling apart with each minute that ticked by. At one point, I wanted to scream at her: JUST GO TO SLEEP! And with that I realized, God is using this season of my life to weed out not only pride, but also my self-centeredness. Putting the "other" before myself is the chief task of motherhood.

But if we're being honest, isn't it the chief task of the Christian walk as well?

And then it hit me… Being Cora's mama isn't myopic. It is training ground for a deeper way; a higher calling. I truly believe God is wanting to develop in me a mother's heart - not just towards my own daughter and my future children, but towards all the people he puts in my life. My prayer these last few days has been that God will use this season of parenting Cora… a season of high needs and constant demands and never-ending attention… to create in me a nurturing, loving, life-giving, and self-sacrificial heart towards all that He puts in my path.

What would the world look like if we served those around us the same way we served our children? Joyfully, with no accounting, no question of whether or not it is deserved -- just served, open-hearted and open-handed, in whatever relationships He puts us in?

It'd be revolutionary.

And She's Off...

2011-07-30T13:12:00.000-05:00

She's officially going to be into EVERYTHING.

My days of "sit there and play with that toy" are 100 percent over.

Watch out world, she's on the move.

Klinko Kids: Frog Chair

2011-07-21T21:01:00.000-05:00

I'm in love with these little chairs, and not just because they were designed by our friends, Joe and Chad, in China for their company, Klinko.

It's one little frog, but has three purposes - 2 ways to sit and one way to play! Perfect for little kids; providing lots of FUNction without taking a lot of space.

This innovative little chair is on Kickstarter right now; a site where creative projects can get the funding "kickstart" they need to really take off. You can make a pledge of $25 or up to earn fun rewards, but for a $100 pledge, not only will you help their new company, Klinko Kids, get off the ground, and you'll also get the chair! (S&H included to USA and China customers.) For those unfamiliar with Kickstarter, the only way you actually give money/earn the reward is if the full amount they are trying to raise is obtained by the deadline. If they don't reach their goal of $40,000, then no one is charged/no rewards are sent.

Anyway, this is just a fun little tidbit on a company that has a big heart and a creative mind. Just wanted you guys to check it out, if you are interested!

Meet Me in St. Louis

2011-07-14T21:13:00.002-05:00

So first of all, WAY TO GO EVERYONE! The second matching grant fundraiser challenge was met. Which means so far in the last couple of months, $14,000 was raised for the NDFH medical/surgical fund. I'd love to see this momentum keep going.

This last week, Cora and I had the chance to go to St. Louis, MO and a little town in Illinois to visit some dear friends from China.

On the trip, Cora had a great time meeting lots of new animals. Seriously, I don't know where this child gets it, but she LOVES dogs in particular. At Amber's grandparents house, she fell for this giant, sweet dog named Jack. But let's just say he didn't share the infatuation. She seemed to terrify him, and he'd back across the room if she scooted towards him. And then at Deanie's house, she loved watching the dog and cat "fight." I caught it on video; unfortunately, it is pretty dark.

But even though the video is dark, there's other examples of Cora's animal love. Maybe a she has a future as a Vet? I know her auntie Jane would love that... :)

Cora and the very wary Jack.

Beyond playing with animals, we did a lot of eating. Cora tried many new foods, and loved just about all of them. So did I. She ate teething biscuits, blueberry baby crackers, a dreamsicle popsicle, and just about anything we could come up with to put in her little teether pouch. In fact, my friends teased us and said we often looked just alike at mealtime. I see their point.

So our visit was so wonderful. We met our friend Amber, who worked with us in China, and her sister Kayla in St. Louis and then drove to IL where we met Deannie and Joy. Deannie was an English teacher at New Day in China, and Joy used to be on staff in China. But now she's going to college in the USA. It isn't easy being an international student, but Joy is doing a great job... she made all A's her first semester! You may remember hearing Joy's story... it is quite inspiring! And, she still needs help with her schooling, if anyone feels particularly burdened by that need. Just drop me an email and I can put you in contact with her.

While we were there, Amber took pictures of Cora. I posted many of them in a facebook album, but you can get a sneak peak here. Click on the pictures below to see the others!

I must say, having a professional photographer as a friend is a big perk in life. :)

And when we got home, Cora learned a new trick.

That's right, friends. She is now sitting up. She did it for the first time yesterday afternoon and has been acting like an old pro ever since.

And for those who need still more Cora photos; namely the grandparents and other family, I also posted an album of pictures from Cora's sixth month on facebook. Just click here to check it out!

Dear Cora

2011-07-05T19:49:00.000-05:00

Dear Cora,

You are six months old today, and I'm astonished at how quickly the months have flown. At this rate, I guess we'll be celebrating your first birthday in about a week. Sometimes I wish I could slow it down, but then I'm enjoying each and every day with you, and so I can't really say that I want to go back in time.

At 6 months old, you are:

Rolling all OVER the place. And getting into everything.
Thoroughly enjoying your walker. And getting into everything. One of your favorite things to do is push LeLe's water bowl around the room with your walker, making a massive mess and getting a huge kick out of the noise it makes scraping the floor.
Pushing yourself up into a human arch. Hands on the ground, toes on the ground, the rest of you a rainbow over the floor. (I admire your strength. I think you are much stronger/more flexible than me. I know this because in a recent pilates class, one of the positions was something you do all the time, and I could barely even begin to do it.)
Learning new noises, facial expressions, and sounds every day. Some of them are scary - like a few weeks ago when you sounded like you were gasping for air while nursing. And some of them are funny - like when you blow raspberries. But mostly they are just loud - shrieking, hollering, yelling, bellowing. and accompanied by the most amusing facial expressions.
Loving food. You like pomegranate popsicles, strawberries, mango, banana, avocado, whipped cream, ice cream, snow cones, sweet potato, mashed potatoes, and just about anything else we let you try. (Which is just about anything we eat.) You still mostly breastfeed - you aren't even eating solids every day yet - but you are enjoying the experience of expanding your taste buds. The one thing that seems to make you grimace especially bad is rice cereal. But that's ok. It's so bland it'd make me grimace, too.
Enjoying the swimming pool, and the bathtub too. But you make such a bit mess with the bathtub, kicking up a storm, that I sometimes let you go an extra day between baths.

The many faces of Cora trying strawberries for the first time. And though it looks like she might have been crying in one of the shots, she really wasn't. Just really, really grimacing. (She likes them now.)

Your Dad and I were talking yesterday about how amazingly fast you have changed. From a little baby who just a few short months ago mostly just ate and slept, you now have such a personality… laughing at the dog, playing peek-a-boo, smiling at anyone who looks your way, and calling out when you aren't getting the attention you know you deserve. Your world is coming alive, and it is beautiful to see. We were on an airplane recently, and when the steward came over the speaker to instruct everyone to prepare for takeoff, you craned your head upward, searching the ceiling for the source of the voice. It's like I could almost see the connections forming in your little mind… voices have faces, where is this voice's face?!

You're always getting told you are beautiful, and you are! Of course I think so, too. But when a stranger on the street comments on your beauty, I always try to reply, "Thank you. And she's such a sweet baby, too." Dear child, I want you to grow up remembering from the earliest days that I don't value you for your beauty, but for your heart.

We've chosen a pediatrician. She's a woman. The church we've been attending has a female pastor on staff. I told your dad that this is how I want you to grow up, surrounded by women doing things that sometimes aren't seen as the "norm" in our culture. I want you to know that you can do/be whatever you want, and I want you to see examples of women fulfilling their myriad callings from the earliest of ages. Your gender is a strength, sweet child. In a world that often undervalues women and globally subjects them to many injustices, I want you to be proud of your femininity and grow into a strong yet gentle woman with a compassionate and gracious heart. I pray you will confidently move in the world with mercy, peace, and a quiet dignity that comes from knowing who you are and to whom you belong.

For your six month birthday, you slept nearly all night! From 10pm to 5am, waking only to eat and then sleeping until 9! I think it was one of the longest stretches of sleep you've ever had. I guess for your half-birthday, you were giving me a gift. There are so many little details I want to remember from this time. Like the groaning noise you make as you try to fall asleep. Or the way you act when your Dad tosses you in the air; you get this little look of fear on your face before you start laughing at the top of each toss - like you don't know what to think yet. Last night I was holding you as you slept, and I tried to memorize the way your body would get a little bit heavier with each passing moment as you fell a bit more deeply asleep and relaxed a bit more. Someday I know I will want to remember the way that felt.

Good morning, Cora!

(Taken right after she woke up on her 6 month birthday.)

Right now I am your favorite person in the whole world. You have started crying when I drop you off at nursery, and usually I can't handle it for more than a few minutes. And even when your Dad comes home from work and wants to play with you, your eyes are searching the room to find me. Sometimes it is overwhelming - like when I need to do something else, but you need me. (In times like those, I just put you in the sling or the Moby Wrap and just go about my business.) But I know someday down the road, you are going to be more independent and not want to be with me all the time, so I just remind myself to treasure the gift of today - even if it sometimes feels like a burden.

Cora, I want you to know that I am doing my best to give you what you need. But so many days I doubt myself… voices from both sides tell me there's a better way, whether the subject is you sleeping through the night or what to feed you. A few weeks ago, I was nearly immobilized by the voices… uncertain which way to go for fear of doing it wrong. But then I met a Zambian mother in the pool. She has a baby your age, and she laughed as she said, "You Americans! You try to make things so hard! She will sleep through the night when she is ready, and if you try to make it happen sooner, it will just be hard on both of you. She's just a little baby, and you are her mama. You know her best. In Zambia, we hold the babies when they cry and we nurse them to sleep and we don't try to make them grow up so quickly. It is a lot easier that way." Her words jolted me awake and reminded me that there isn't a right way that works for everyone. I can only do what works for us, and responding to your needs when you cry is what works for us now… so that is what I will do. And that is what I will try to continue to do as we continue down this path of becoming a mother/daughter… I'm just going to go one day at a time, with lots of prayers and lots of love.

All my heart,
Mama

Snortin'

2011-07-01T08:55:00.000-05:00

Ok, these two videos are just simply awesome...

So Cora discovered her "snort" the day before yesterday. So since then, we've been hearing a lot of this:

But when she laughs, as she did while watching Jacob and LeLe play, the snort takes center stage. Warning: It is a known fact that baby laughs are contagious; so watching this video might make you laugh so hard you'll pee your pants. Consider yourself warned.

-----

And did you hear about the new Mama doing a matching grant fundraiser for NDFH? Another family decided to sponsor a $2,000 matching grant fundraiser... You'll have to read their story. I think it is beautiful... how many families have adopted children who have benefitted from surgeries funded by others? Now we have a chance to "pay it forward" and give the gift of life to another child and the gift of that child to their someday adoptive family.

Undoubtedly inspired by how quickly everyone raised $5,000 go be matched, they offered to do another $2,000! When the matches are in, folks, that would be a total of $14,000! We are just $1,800 away from reaching the total goal of $14,000! That's small potatoes, people! I know several people wrote and said they didn't get a chance to donate the last time, because it ended so quickly! Well, here's your chance! Same cause/same place/different ChipIn widget. My hairbow offer is still in effect, if that somehow is a motivator! :) Oh, and for convenience, I put the new ChipIn widget up on my blog... feel free to do the same on yours! But you should still go read their story.

Such Fun

2011-06-30T08:45:00.000-05:00

So I've already posted these videos to facebook, so if you're friends with me there and enjoy watching videos of my daughter as much as I do (heh.), then you've probably already seen all of these. But, I know some people don't use Facebook (hi Laine and Grandma!), so I wanted to be sure to share them here, too.

Because one can never have too much cuteness.

(Note to my grandma: If you want to watch these, just click the triangle button in the middle or bottom left of each video with your mouse! They should play automatically.)

Standing Tall!

A Little Dip

Giggle Box

Chomping

Got an appetite, maybe?!

Roller Coaster

2011-06-29T11:37:00.000-05:00

It was 9:45, and I was ready for bed. But she was still up and couldn't calm herself down. Jacob kissed me as he went to bed, "Goodnight," he whispered, in the dark room.

I kept rocking... humming a lullaby, but not really present in the moment. Instead I was wishing I were going to bed at that moment too. I longed for the day, maybe a year from now, when she goes down at night and falls asleep on her own and sleeps a solid 8 hours.

But then I remembered roller coasters.

When I was a kid and we'd go to the amusement park, I'd ride the roller coasters over and over again - more times than I really wanted - just because I knew it'd be the last time for a while. When I knew the time to leave was approaching, I'd carefully plot my last few rides to make the most of every moment.

And this is a roller coaster.

There will be a day, not too far down the road, when she won't need or even want me to rock her to sleep. There will be a day, not too far down the road, when I won't be feeding her in the quiet hours of the night, when I can see the shadows her eyelashes cast on her cheeks and the only sound I hear is the steady cadence of her sucking and swallowing.

And on that day, I'll wish I could take just one more ride on this roller coaster... one more rocking, one more cradling, one more moment at 2 am watching her sleep as she eats. And I whispered a silent prayer as she finally gave in to sleep, "Help me to soak in every beautiful moment and cease wishing my life away."

Responsible Parenting

2011-06-22T15:47:00.000-05:00

First of all, before I tell you just how uh-MAZE-ing of a mama I am, can I just say PRAISE JESUS for the response you guys gave to the matching grant drive?! We MADE it! With a few weeks to spare, I might add! I am uber-excited... especially since I just got an email today from NDFH saying that they are bringing in two little ones with very severe heart problems... medical funds are needed more than ever. And if you were going to give, but hadn't done it yet, don't let the end of the drive stop you. This is one of the most urgent needs NDFH has, and donations are welcome anytime...

******

So, on to the stories.

I'm really observant... let me assure you. I watch my daughter like a hawk.

Obviously.

So we were in the Houston airport on a layover during our recent trip back to Midland from Portland where Cora and I were visiting my grandparents. Cora was rolling around on a blanket at my feet, and I was chatting with the lady next to me. I had slid my shoes off, and could feel Cora at my ankles, happily playing and rolling around.

And then the ticket agent came up to me.

"Umm, excuse me," she said.

I smiled, "Yes."

"Umm... I don't think you realize this," she paused, "But your daughter is sucking on your shoe."

And by golly, she was. Had the whole thing in her mouth and was licking the bottom of it. I am not too finicky about germs, but that grossed even me out. I earned lots of points for watching my daughter that day.

********

And then today, at the grocery store checkout line... I was in front of the cart paying my bill, while Cora was sitting in her car seat facing away from me. The lady behind me in line all of a sudden interrupted my transaction. I thought she was going to tell me how adorable my little girl was. (Because, of course, she is. I mean look at her!!!)

But instead, it was another stellar parenting moment being brought to my attention by a complete stranger.

"Your daughter is eating your shopping list, I think."

She was ever-so-polite, acting as if it were the most normal thing in the world. I leaned around the cart, expecting some little corner of the list in her mouth. But instead, I found Cora's mouth STUFFED with paper. I mean seriously, if she'd swallowed... well, don't want to think about it. I generally try to keep choking hazards away from her, but evidently I have my off days.

Next time I won't let her play with the shopping list. Lesson learned.

Fundraiser... Answers to a Few Questions

2011-06-09T22:23:00.000-05:00

Note: If you don't know what this is about, read the original post.

You guys are doing AWESOME! In just the last couple of days, we've tripled what we raised, and we're almost 30 percent there! And, I know we can reach 100 percent.

So here are a few details...

1 - PLEASE post it on your blog or facebook. Some of you asked if you could repost the post I made... YES, YES, and YES again! Or make your own! In fact, you can even put the ChipIn box on your blog. (I don't know if it works for facebook; I don't think so, but it does work on a variety of blog platforms.) That way someone can give directly from your site... the money goes into the same NDFH fund, but no one has to click over to a different site to do it. And all of our boxes will show the same running total! So, email me if you want the code.

2 - How do you give? Someone asked... well, do you see the ChipIn box on the top right of my blog? Just click on that and follow the instructions to give. If you aren't able to give electronically, you can contact me and I can tell you how to make a donation by check. I'm sure we can add it to the same total, if you want it to go towards the $5,000 matching grant.

3 - And a note about the hair bows... Just thought I should clarify that when you give $50 to this, all $50 goes directly to NDFH. The money to make the bow comes from me. I just didn't want you to think that you were just buying a really expensive hair bow. :)

Let's keep up the momentum, friends! WE CAN DO THIS! Another few kiddos will have the surgeries they need. Yay! I'm so excited! I can't wait to be able to say WE DID IT!

Roundup

2011-06-08T16:19:00.000-05:00

I keep thinking eventually I'll get back to blogging more frequently, but until then... it's just a roundup.

I'm officially the mother of a 5 month old. (Pictures on facebook!) Which, in our case, means I'm back to feeling inept again. I had just sort of "figured her out," and now all bets are off and she's a puzzle every day. Take naptime. I'm trying to "wean" her from her requirement of either sleeping in the swing, her carseat (while driving - car stops and those eyes pop open faster than I can open the door), or my arms. But she isn't a fan of sleeping in her bed unswaddled... (we swaddle her at night still - which is a whole 'nother story for another paragraph). So it's usually a series of very short naps until waking herself with flailing arms... this repeats until she finally exhausts herself and sleeps deeply for an hour or more. I'm not sure it is working... or if it is even worth it. Maybe I should just rely on the swing.

So swaddling... yeah... we have a Miracle Blanket, which is seriously a miracle-worker, in my humble opinion. But at 5 months old, she is just now outgrowing it and strong enough to work her way out of it in the middle of the night. At which point those night monsters known as flailing arms promptly wake her up. (She's always woken up 2-3 times a night... she hasn't been a "sleep through the night" kind of baby. But usually when she wakes to eat, she is just barely stirring and goes back to sleep easily. When the arm monsters attack, she wakes all the way up.) So, I'm stuck between trying to decide if it is time to "wean" her from that as well. Or maybe enlist the help of one of my sewing friends to whip up a larger-sized one. But I'm not sure if I still want to be swaddling her at 17. Taking the easy way out now and figuring out a way to continue swaddling is awfully tempting though, especially when it concerns my sleep. Thoughts anyone?

Cora has entered the world of temporary childcare, and she is not a fan. During my Bible study and at the YMCA, she's spending a few hours a week in the nursery. I've been impressed with both places and the quality of care, but I think it is too loud for Cora, as she seems to have a nervous breakdown each and every time, which results in me getting paged to come pick her up. I'm thinking I want to keep pushing through it a little bit longer, though. For one, in my first pilates class today, I discovered that childbirth left me with no abdominal muscles at all, and I think that needs to be addressed. I'm honestly too lazy to do it on my own, so a class is good motivation - and it gets me out of the house 3 mornings a week! Also, I don't want Cora to never be able to stay with a babysitter, so I'm thinking it's probably good for her to get used to childcare a bit.

For those who have heard me say that she "never cries," you may be wondering about this "nervous breakdown." Well, my baby who never cries has found her voice. Just the other night she was yelling while Jacob was holding her. (Seriously - yelling. Not crying. Just yelling.) If I'd look her way, she'd stop. But if I turned back to what I was doing, it was back with the yelling. I'd find it sweet that she wants me so much, but honestly sometimes I want a break.

So that's the mothering roundup. It sounds kinda negative... more so than I mean for it to. We're actually doing really well and I am enjoying her more every day simply because she's becoming so incredibly fascinated with everything. It is fun to watch her explore her world. I just wish she'd let me figure her out.

Next week I am off to Portland, OR!!! Some of you live up there, and I'd love to meet up, if you have a chance! Just drop me an email if you are one of those folks, and we'll see if we can arrange something. Cora and I are going to go see my grandparents for the week. Yay!

And the fundraiser for surgeries... so, we're not doing so swell. It hasn't really changed much in the last few days. I've kind of dropped the ball and haven't been out there talking it up, but I still believe we can do this ladies and gents! When I "worked" at the foster home, it always amazed me how easy it was to raise money for things like field trips to the zoo. We'd put up the challenge, and in less than a few hours, usually every single cent was raised. Which was AMAZING! But funds for formula, medical care, and surgeries were a bit harder to come by. But you want to know what a NDFH field trip to the zoo looks like without funds for surgeries?

Like this:

Photo Credit.

Don't get me wrong, Pandas are adorable... but the picture is a whole lot sweeter when you also capture a wide-eyed little one soaking it all in. And without medical/surgical funds, NDFH would cease to be able to fulfill its mission. I know it is more fun to send kiddos on a field trip, but right now I want to make sure that a few more kiddos get the chance to go on a field trip someday, and that's what this is all about.

One thing I love and respect about NDFH is that the leadership feels strongly that we shouldn't always be asking for money. (But this is my blog, so I can be a bit more direct.) We want people to give out of a sense of excitement and love, not out of guilt/obligation. So you probably don't see very many direct pleas from NDFH. And God is always faithful to provide what is needed, but the reality is... this is a big need. It always has been and always will be. Sometimes kiddos pass away on a waiting list, and sometimes the reason they are still on a waiting list is because funds are running low... Without money, there are no surgeries. I think you get the point. I shall shut up now.

But I will show you some pictures of bows I recently made...

Remember, a $50 or more donation gets you a fun little bow made with love by me, if you want one! More details on the fundraiser can be found here.

Are You Up for a Challenge?

2011-05-31T11:33:00.000-05:00

I'm so excited about this. Since coming back to China, I've been trying to figure how how to maintain my involvement with NDFH, a place that will always be near and dear to my heart. There have been little projects that have come about since coming home - enough to keep me feeling a bit connected - but to be honest, I've been too busy, distracted, and consumed with our own homecoming/resettling and with mothering to stay involved to the degree that I would love.

(I know, I know - Seasons for everything, yada-yada-yada. I'm OK with the tension right now, but I want to make sure my heart stays soft to the real needs of the world in the midst of us getting ourselves settled and all that it entails... this new furniture buying, cell phone procuring, play-group forming, errand-running life.)

So when I got an email from a friend of New Day asking me to help with a Matching Grant Fundraiser, I was so excited. It was something I could do to help those kiddos I love so much! Here's what she sent me:

------------------

I’m just a mom. Just like most of you. I scurry from soccer games to choir, grocery store to library, dishwasher to washing machine. And then finally I fall into bed. Sometimes I get so caught up in the day to day, that I forget to look at the horizon, stop and enjoy creation and see the big picture of life. Do you ever feel like that? I know that there is more than “just keeping up.” In James 1:27 we are commanded to look after the widows and orphans in their distress. If you are anything like me you read that and think “but what can little old me do in my small world?” In the midst of our every day comforts we lose sight of the fact that necessities are not equal to wants. Yes, the economy is not what it used to be. Yes, gasoline is on the rise. But how many dollars do we waste and not even blink at it. To an orphan, every dollar counts and makes a difference.

As most of you know, the first step for many Special Needs kids is to have the surgery they need before they can move toward adoption with their forever families. Please join me in a “Surgery Fund Challenge” for the new kids at New Day Foster Home. For every dollar pledged, another dollar will be matched up to a maximum of $5,000. (Carrie's Comment: THAT'S A TOTAL OF $10,000 YA'LL!) Did you know that if just 200 people will commit to $25 we could meet the match amount? Will you consider: giving up eating out for lunch or dinner just once, maybe twice; a pedicure; a couple of Starbucks; or a hair cut and pledge that amount to this fund? Perhaps you could hold a garage sale and give some of your proceeds to the fund; collect aluminum cans; have a bake sale at a soccer tournament and pledge that amount to this fund? Your sacrifice will make a difference to these kids.

Like many of you, I read the blogs, study the faces of these children, know them instantly by name, and celebrate the arrival of their families. That is nice, but in my heart I know there needs to be more. I realized I can’t make a difference if I sit on the sidelines. Please stand up with me for these kids and pledge whatever you can. Together we can make a difference. Click on the ChipIn button to donate directly to the New Day Foster Home Surgery account.

Thanks for your consideration,
From a Mom just like you

“Then I heard a voice of the Lord saying

‘Whom shall I send?

And who will go for us?’

And I said, ‘Here I am. Send me!’”

Isaiah 6:8

------------------

Do you get what she's doing?! A "Mom just like you" is going to match every dollar we give to this fundraiser up to $5,000. A total of $10,000! That's enough for a heart surgery. All we need to do is give! And, if you want to get more involved, maybe consider reposting this and putting the ChipIn box on your own blog. All the donations made via ChipIn go directly to New Day Foster Home.

You know what I love? This is not an "official fundraiser" organized by New Day Foster Home (though all donated monies do go directly to them). It is an outpouring of love and support from those of us who love this place and whose lives have been changed by the children who live there. I'm excited to see us give them $10,000 for surgeries.

I've been thinking about what I can do to make this a bit more personal to me - other than just posting it once on my blog. Here's what I came up with. So I've become slightly obsessive with making hairbows for Cora. Maybe you've seen some of my work. (If you've seen a picture of her with a hairbow, it is one I've made.) Recently I've been approached by some people on the street asking where I got her bows, and when told that I made them, they asked if I could make them some as well. Maybe there is an Etsy store in my future. Who knows. But what I do know is this... They are dang cute, if I do say so myself. And if you chip in $50 or more to this wonderful cause (and email me to let me know - I don't have anyway of knowing who gives otherwise), I will make you a special little hairbow for your special little gal. (Or any special little gal in your life. Heck, you can even send it to your sponsored girl at NDFH! You know how much they love hair accessories!!)

Things I Learn from Cora, Lesson #247

2011-05-26T12:14:00.001-05:00

A bath is not considered complete unless it is followed by a clothes-soiling blowout within one hour.

------

Oh, and I captured her enthusiasm for tasting pickles and cheetos. We're working on giving her a classy and cultured palate, ya'll.

Life Unpacked

2011-05-25T10:44:00.000-05:00

Warning: This post is all over the place.

Do you know how strange it is to unpack belongings you haven't seen for over 3 years? It's a little odd to me some of the things I kept... But there is something comforting and familiar about eating off our own plates again. At the same time, unpacking has really made the finality of everything apparant. My heart is starting to wake up to the fact that we aren't going back to China anytime soon... in some ways, I'm OK. And in others, I'm extremely sad. Like the day before yesterday... when I stopped in a bookstore to buy a book (that LeLe promptly ate, but that's a story for another day) and saw this on the shelf... I'm pretty sure it was made at New Day's factory, and I touched it and thought about the fact that the person who made it and touched it with their own hands might have bought vegetables from the same vendor I used. It turned something that normally feels so detached/sterile/inhuman into a deeply personal experience. Honestly, as goofy as it may seem, I let my hand linger there... just trying to feel connected for a minute.

So I'm on week two of the SAHM/housewife gig. It isn't easy to be the only one caring for a baby all day long. (How do those of you with multiple children do it?!) LeLe, Cora, and I have many deep conversations. :) But it is sweet and precious, and I can't imagine having to send her off to daycare every day. So I'm not complaining... just adjusting. Jacob has been working longish hours as he gets started... the learning curve is steep, and he's wanting to settle in as soon as possible. But that means for about 12 hours a day, it is just me and the girls. We're finding our rhythm... and I'm enjoying doing SAHM stuff like cooking right now and letting my focus be entirely on my family, but it is a little strange...

I also feel a bit like a "lady who lunches," (though most of my lunches are sandwiches at home). We do have a couple of friends here in Midland who have completely welcomed us with open arms. As a result, I already have a women's bible study and play-dates. Play-dates. (I think they are more for my sanity than Cora's play.) But again... a little strange. For one, it is odd to be totally unscheduled... no commitments or responsibilities. And, it is strange to be with a group of girls where the conversation mostly focuses on our own children. It's good, just so very different. I'm so very thankful for the friendships, but it is an adjustment to go from the world where I was to the world where I am. I'm sure I'm not navigating it with complete grace, but as a friend reminded me yesterday, I'm trying to be gentle with myself, and others for that matter.

Speaking of this adjustment, God has already shown Himself to be more than able to help me move into this new world a little more seamlessly. Not to mention the old-friendships-made-new that have helped make this such a comfortable transition so far, little things have happened that just sort of surprise me... like the small group we're in... the leaders of it have a special heart for China. Their son is married to a Chinese gal who once worked for China Aid. They are going to China in a few weeks. And then I have just "happened to run into" this girl named Sarah three separate times. She lived in Uganda for several years, married a Ugandan guy, and they came back to Midland (her hometown.) She has 2 precious little boys and runs a charity with her husband from here in Midland supporting orphans and impoverished children back in Uganda. And seriously - when I say "run into her," I mean it... first was at Jason's Deli where I struck up a conversation with her because of her son's Montessori school tshirt. Second was at the farmer's market, where I happened upon her booth where she sells jewelry to support their work, and third was at the Natural Grocer's store. It was a little weird. Or as she said, perhaps divine. And then, in the women's Bible study I just joined, there's a mama in there who has adopted two little ones from children's protective services. In just the few minutes we spoke, I knew I'd found another gal with a heart for orphans... and the women in that study in general were some of the most transparent/honest I've ever met. I know it will be a precious place to build relationships. So while I keep wondering why God brought us to Midland, I keep getting the answer in surprising little ways.

Cora is such a little light. She seems to have come alive these last couple of weeks... she's rolling over like crazy now. (She's been going back to tummy for a while, and though she did tummy to back once a few weeks ago, she hadn't done it again until the last couple of days. Now she's reveling in her newfound ability to flip back and forth. Including in her swing... where I found her on her belly after her nap the other day. And yes, we have begun using the safety strap now.) She also seems to be just totally amazed and enthralled with the world. She loves LeLe, and gets so excited when she can bury her face in her fur. We're still exclusively breastfeeding, but when she sees one of us with food or a drink, she gets so excited. She stiffens her little arms and legs and just starts shaking. We often give her little tastes of whatever we're drinking, and when she sees the straw coming to her mouth, she gets downright giddy. Yesterday she tried my Tom Yum soup, and I think she liked it. She was smacking her lips afterwards. She is a girl after my own heart, for I think Tom Yum is just about the best soup ever. We have found one thing that Cora doesn't like... nursery. I think she's a little young to have stranger wariness -- I think it is more likely "loud noise wariness" due to other loud children -- but both times we've tried to put her in the nursery, it has ended in a fit of tears. I'm hoping tomorrow goes better, as I really want to be able to do the bible study without baby attached to my hip.

Oh, you should have seen her this morning... (Actually, you can! I thought to take a picture!) She was getting her bath, and she was fascinated by the little cup that I use to "shower" her with water. This was her face, every single time it showered down on her.

And another new thing... this noise she makes. I think she's pretending she's LeLe.

(Skip to end of the video to hear, if you don't want to watch the whole thing. Personally I watch the whole thing several times when I miss her while she's in the middle of nap-time, but that's probably just because she's my daughter, I suppose... )

All in all, we're well. Especially now that we are "reconnected" to the outside world. (I think I have an internet/email/blog/facebook addiction, made utterly apparent by lack of internet for a week.) There's a lot brewing in my heart these days, but more on that later...

Holy Misery

2011-05-16T07:43:00.000-05:00

We're moved in to our new apartment now... wrote this on the drive down, but due to spotty internet access right now, just now posting it!

-----------

If I founded a church, it would be called The Church of Holy Misery located at the corner of Hard Road and Difficult Way. We'd only read the scriptures about God pruning us and about how all of our human desires are wicked and sinful. Decisions would be made by asking what we wanted and then doing the opposite, and the counseling ministry would center around the philosophy: "Just Suck It Up and Deal With It." Considering how many of my fellow humans also think there's something character-building about being a little bit miserable -- after all, that which doesn't kill you makes you stronger (wait… is that not in the Bible?!) -- I think attendance would be good. Oh, and the pews would most definitely be unpadded.

But I'm pretty sure my church would make the Father sad.

I'm joking about the church. My heart knows enough to say that such a church would be disastrous. But the reality is, I worship there a lot. I often feel like God wants me to be miserable, and that somehow that's more holy. It's twisted and bizarre, but I've come to realize that I often equate what I want with my own selfish desires, and therefore what I don't want with God's will.

When Jacob was offered three jobs at once -- two in Portland and one in Midland -- it was easy for us to decide which place we wanted to live. Portland, OR, hands down. Ranked as one of "America's Most Livable Cities," we could both easily imagine ourselves picking berries, camping in the mountains, driving to the beach on a Sunday afternoon, and visiting cute little cafes. It's a city that we both know we would love, and my extended family lives in the area. Easy choice, right?

(Side note: I am aware that you Pacific North-westerners would be quick to remind me that it rains 6 months of the year. Life isn't just a bowl of cherries, or berries as the case may be.)

Problem was, the jobs just never really panned out. Jacob knew he didn't want one of them, so we eliminated it right away. But the other one seemed just about perfect! Although it payed considerably less than the Midland opportunity, we were ready to turn down the extra money -- after all, it isn't everything -- for the chance to live in a place we both love. (Though admittedly we couldn't help but question the wisdom of that.) But we just kept going back and forth... then things sort of stalled with the Portland offer, and we both froze up. We had to make a decision about the Midland job, but the Portland job wasn't moving from from verbal to written offer.

I woke up one morning in tears, convinced we were going to Midland. And all I could do was cry. The wind, the desert, the middle-of-nowhere. There was nothing about any of it that I wanted. And somehow I felt like God was making my life out to be one giant object lesson. I could almost hear Him up above, shaking his head and muttering: You see, Carrie, you need to learn a little more patience. I know you don't like the wind and the dirt, but perhaps if you have to live with it, you'll learn to be content in all circumstances. (Which, by the way, is something you've never really mastered.) Oh, and perseverance… we're still working on that one. Not to mention the fact that this is silly. Do you remember those starving children in Africa?! Do you think they have the luxury of deciding where they want to live? No, no, no, my dear. They're lucky if they just get to live. Don't you think this is all a wee bit selfish?

As I listened to this god of my head lecture me, I would move from anger to shame to guilt. Jacob asked me that morning, in the middle of my tears, why I was so certain we were going to go to Midland when we hadn't yet made our decision -- and were actually leaning towards Portland.

With a fresh fury of tears, I answered, "Because I don't want it."

I don't like that my picture of God is one in which He gives me the opposite of what I hope for; the opposite of what I ask for. I can think of several scriptures right off the top of my head that completely counter that kind of thinking. But as a founding member of the Church of Holy Misery, this kind of toxic theology is buried deep in my soul. Though I'm pretty sure it breaks His heart, I can't seem to fully shake this image of a chronically-disappointed, shaking-his-head-in-resignation, eye-rolling, annoyed heavenly father who is going to teach me a lesson if it's the last thing he does.

To me, the happy kum-ba-yah ending to this story would be if I told you we were moving to Portland. But those of you who regularly read this blog already know that isn't how the story ends. Because right now I'm in a truck loaded high with all our belongings on the road to Midland.

He's taking us to the desert.

The day after my I-don't-want-to-move-to-Midland-sob-fest, Jacob got an email from the Portland company saying that some contracts fell through and they were no longer hiring. With that job off the table, Midland became an obvious choice.

And it's ok. With the decision essentially made for us, I was somehow able to rest in the fact that there must be something good down this path. I still can't say that moving to Midland is what either of us would choose above all else, but I also don't feel quite so hopeless or resigned about it. He opened so many doors in this direction -- from the job, to providing a place to live, to giving us new friends -- that it feels like the right way to be walking, at least for this season. There's this little bird of hope in my soul, warbling a new song whenever my complaint rises up and I start to sing the opening hymn at the Church of Holy Misery. She's singing, "He is good. He is good. He is always, always good."

Can't wait to see what His goodness looks like, because I know beautiful things can bloom in the desert.

Because I Can't Resist

2011-05-10T22:34:00.000-05:00

I take this break from packing to bring you...

(click to see adorableness even bigger.)

On Motherhood

2011-05-08T11:52:00.001-05:00

Four months already. An eternity in an instant. And so I am a mother, but I still can't believe they let me leave the hospital with her.

I will be honest - For me, motherhood wasn't a season of life I dreamed of entering. I knew I'd become a mom eventually, because that's what you're supposed to do. But I loved the orphans around me and I found meaning in serving them, and wasn't that enough, God? I carried those children close to my heart, and I saw a baby of my own as a replacement… a trade-off I wasn't sure I really wanted to make. I'd always heard people describe motherhood as a sacrifice, and that's really all I could envision. Setting aside everything I knew and loved to take care of a tiny being who needed me for everything.

I worried my world would become too small. That I'd somehow forget all the children I've carried in my heart through the years and replace them with just this one. I worried I wouldn't recognize myself; that I'd turn into a person who lost the only identity that ever mattered to her. I imagined I'd be bored, longing for the days when the hours didn't center around feeding, sleeping, and changing diapers.

Last night I watched her as she nursed. It struck me that she has been living solely off of me for over one year now… from a tiny cell to 14.5 pounds of wriggling and kicking life, she has taken what she has needed to grow and thrive.

And to be honest, it has hurt.

I was not a glowing and radiant mother-to-be. I was nauseous and throwing up well into my sixth month of pregnancy. In the entirety of my life, I have never felt so weak or sick as I did those long months, and I still don't understand the women who love it. Some of my first words after Cora was born were, "Oh I'm so glad I'm not pregnant anymore!"

And those early days after her birth were filled with a physical pain that defies my words. I felt like I'd been hit by a truck. Me bleeding and cracked; her greedily sucking… feeding her meant gritted teeth and clenched fists for over two months. I couldn't believe how much she took out of me, and it never seemed to be enough. It left both of us crying in frustration. Drenched in my tears, she showed me early on that motherhood was going to be a long road of sacrifice. And it was a road I didn't think I could walk with grace, but there was no turning back. Overwhelmed with love, but feeling inadequate and inexperienced, I entered a survival mode and just tried to get through each long day and each sleepless night.

And my world changed around me. Half-packed suitcases next to piles of dirty baby clothes. Friends coming to meet the new baby; friends coming to say goodbye as we prepared to leave China. Bringing food and comfort and encouragement, those friends sustained me in my first month of motherhood. And Jacob. He changed before my eyes. From a man uncomfortable around babies to an encouraging father who did whatever he could; whatever was necessary. He believed in me when I didn't. He never thought I was inadequate… he believed me to be more than enough, and so I became what he believed.

The physical pain. The exhaustion. The change -- the complete transformation of my world and my identity! Anticipating it left me convinced I couldn't survive any of it, and I will be honest, it has been painful and hard and often it still feels like I'm stumbling on a dark path headed for an unknown destination. She took so much out of me… so much more than I even knew I had to offer.

But that doesn't account for what she has given.

I didn't know I'd look forward to her waking from her naps. I didn't know that as I held her, rocking her to sleep, I would wish I could stop the clock. I didn't know how the quiet moments of a middle-of-the-night feeding would be some of the sweetest of my life. I didn't know how a baby's toothless grin could wipe away all your frustration or concerns, or how your heart can melt when they want you more than any other. I didn't know I'd find mothering so fulfilling or so rich. I didn't know she'd make my heart bigger, not smaller, and that there's always room for more love.

She has taught me that painful sacrifice can be the soil where the richest of loves grows. She has grounded me in these months of uncertainty and transition. In a time when I wouldn't know my purpose or my role, she has made it crystal clear. She has taught me that in any relationship, whether as a mother, wife, friend, stranger, sister, daughter, I simply need to be the source of life-giving, nurturing love. That is my only role; my only calling. She has showed me that it is holy to simply be... to be present to the current moment. That is enough. There is enough grace and tears and mercy and joy and pain and hope and love and promise and life in this very moment. We are so rich if we can simply rest in the moment.

She has made me a mother. Thank you, Cora Eve. These four months have been the most painful, intense, and life-changing months of my life. But they have also been the best.

And This is Today

2011-05-06T17:19:00.000-05:00

She just woke up. She's swinging back and forth in her swing, chewing on her monkey's hand. She keeps grinning at me, but she seems perfectly content to sit there a while longer. She's four months old now (where did time go?), and I'm wanting to freeze these moments and these days. I don't want to forget them... even the simple ones, like the quiet contentment after an afternoon nap. I'm more thankful than I thought possible for all the little joys Cora brings to my life.

-----

We're moving in a week. We had a whirlwind trip to Midland earlier this week, where we checked with apartment after apartment, where they told us we could move in July, August, or not at all. It's a miracle we found anything livable available immediately. We're suffering sticker shock, but we're so thankful we found a place to live. Now I'm in the process of going through all of our belongings and deciding what really needs to be taken to our 650 square foot, 1 bedroom new home. The last thing we want to do is cram it so full we can't move, but it's hard to figure out what is really needed for our little family of three. And I do want a few touches to make it feel like a home. (They just can't clutter.)

-----

I have to admit, I'm both happy and sad about this move. It will be nice to end this weird "in between" time when we've (literally) lived out of a suitcase for three months. But it will be sad to move away from our families. It will be nice to have a place that is really "ours," but I'm sad that it is yet another temporary dwelling. I just want to settle down a bit... I would love to make a nursery for Cora. I suppose she'll have a nursery corner of our bedroom, but that's not really what I had in mind. And I really want to have a garden. I suppose the upside is that with 650 square feet, I don't have a lot to clean!

-----

Since Cora has been born, Jacob has been with us every day. We know we have been blessed by this... what Dad gets to spend every single day with his baby? We've all enjoyed the time together, but now it is coming to an end. Starting on the 16th, Jacob will be going to work every day, and for the first time in my life as a mother, I will be alone with a baby all day long. I think this is going to be hard on all of us as we adjust... This is another one of those happy/sad things. I'm so thankful Jacob has a job that he thinks he will really enjoy in the field he likes, but I'm sad that this season of togetherness that we've had for the last 4 years is ending.

-----

Lately I've been very preoccupied mentally and emotionally with all these decisions... what job to take, where to live, when to go, etc. But now that we are moving into this new season of life, I'm finding myself thinking about what I want to do with myself. First and foremost, I want to spend as much time as I can soaking in all the beauty and sweetness that is my little girl, but I know that I want to keep doing some other things as well. I've stayed somewhat involved with NDFH since we left, and there maybe some ways to expand the work I do with them from here. And then there's Scarlet Threads, our little sewing cooperative, that seems to truck right on along despite my neglect.

For you mamas out there... I'm really struggling with what to do. I could use advice. Scarlet Threads and the foster home are some of my "first loves" -- they were, in many ways, what 'defined' me these last few years. Now that I have Cora, I seem to have lost my willpower to get much done outside of taking care of her and perhaps making hair-bows. (I blame it on the 4-month lack of 8 consecutive hours of sleep.) But, I feel like there will come a day when I want to do something other than watch my daughter sleep. (Or, if I'm being really honest, sleep with her.) So here's the question... how do you decide how to spend your time? When do you know you want to keep an "iron in the fire," so to speak, so that you can pick something up more fully at a later date? And when do you know a season has ended for good? I'm really not sure... All of these things are so close to my heart... I don't really want to slam the door shut on them for good. But honestly, right now, I have very little mental, emotional, or physical energy to give. And I just don't know what to do. (Maintaining my current levels of involvement doesn't feel right, because right now I feel like I'm doing nothing well.) To be really frank, this has way more to do with Scarlet Threads than the foster home. But I'm just thinking about it globally right now... Any wisdom from more seasoned mamas is much appreciated.

-----

Cora is saying my computer time is up. At least I think that's what that particular pattern of squeaks, squeals, and coos means.

Rolling On

2011-04-29T08:56:00.000-05:00

Can someone please tell me what happened to my little, itty-bitty baby?

After weeks of almost rolling over, yesterday morning she mastered it. Just about one week short of her 4-month birthday. And we weren't even there to see it. Figures.

Jacob had laid her in the living room on her back, and when I walked back in the room a few moments later, she was on her stomach. I asked Jacob if he'd helped flip her over, and he said no. So this was all her. The night before, she'd been trying really, really hard, and her Grandpa McKean kept helping flip her arm out from under her. (That's what's been holding her back these last few weeks.) I think that extra help taught her what she needed to do, or something... because first thing the next morning, taaa daaa! Here she was when we walked in the living room:

This is exactly how we found her yesterday morning...

And now she has become a bit OCD with it. She won't stay on her back for more than 2 minutes without flipping over to her stomach.

Problem is, she hasn't quite figured out how to go the other way, and she is none too happy to be on her tummy for very long. (I've never been great about making her do much tummy time.) So I'm spending a good part of my time now flipping her back over to her back when she gets too frustrated.

(Something similar happens with her pacifier/motor control. She's easily able to use her hands to get it out of her mouth... not so simple to get it back in, especially when she is sleepy. That's mama's job. Over. And over. And over again.)

I'm glad she's developing healthily and normally, but seriously... it is happening way too fast.

Oh wow! What have I done!?

~~~~~

And in other rolling news, we're "rolling on."

We've accepted the position in Texas. In Midland/Odessa area, actually. Anyone know anyone down there? We don't. :( Oh well, friends can be made. I've already emailed someone from the MOPs group, so hopefully that will prove to be a good way to meet new people.

Thank you, thank you, thank you for your prayers. This has been a hard decision. Lots and lots of tears and frustration and immobilization, but finally we feel pretty good about it all. So in the end, the decision was sort of made "for us," which is actually a really good thing. We had almost settled on the TX job, but were really sad with the thought that we were turning down beautiful Portland, OR and all of my extended family in favor of a desert where we don't know anyone. (I know some people really love the desert. Those people would not be us.) I think we would have always wondered "what if." But at the last minute, the Portland offer fell through. The boss emailed Jacob and said they had lost some projects, and as a result would no longer be expanding their staff. Well there you go. Decision made. It was like a big weight was removed... phew.

His tentative start date is May 6, but finding housing is proving difficult. (The only industry in the area is oil/gas, and it's booming now.) So we'll just have to wait and see what we can find... we're going down next week to look at apartments. Most of the complexes we've called have literally laughed at us when they heard how quickly we want to move in. So that's a prayer request... that, and it is super-expensive for really old apartments. (Again, due to booming oil/gas, I suppose.) Please pray that A) we can find a place to live, B) it is reasonable, and C) we don't have to live in a 1970s cave-style apartment. I don't do well with dark and dingy, and I'll be spending a lot of time in our little abode.

To all of our northwestern friends, I'm sorry... :( I'm sad we won't be there. But this new job will afford us more of a travel budget, and I already plan on making a few trips to see my grandparents a year. Maybe we can meet up!

Happy Easter!

2011-04-26T20:03:00.000-05:00

From our Peeps to yours. :)

Life and Stuff

2011-04-19T20:16:00.000-05:00

She keeps me present in each day... that might be one of the most significant gifts she's given me. When I start wishing for the past or imagining the future, her smile pulls me back to right here and right now. It is a gift.

But she's the giver of many other good gifts... She is such a joy. Three months old, and she's changing before our eyes.

Her smile. Ohhhh, her smile. Jacob and I both agree it is just about the best thing ever. Not that we're biased or anything.
She's continuing to live up to her nickname... dumpling. We've noticed in the last few days she's started developing "rubber band wrists." You know what I mean? Where the chub on both sides of the wrist makes it look as if the baby has a rubber band around her wrist? Well Cora's getting those. We may have to start powdering them soon. They are starting to chafe.
She has found her voice. Our quiet, sweet, demure little girl is turning into a loud squawker. It isn't crying... just really loud talking/screeching. It goes on for 30-40 minutes at a time, and she gets so loud that she actually chokes herself. We're not sure what she did with the other Cora. It'd be OK if she brought her back. :)
She has suddenly developed an awareness of when she is alone. Her talking/squawking intensifies if she does not have someone's undivided attention. And if she has someone looking at her, holding her, or talking to her, she morphs back into quiet Cora... all smiley and coy.
She's starting to find some things funny. Like when the dog chews on Daddy's toes... to the point that it hurts. Case in point:

She rolled over a few times... or at least 95 percent of the way. While lying on her back, she managed to turn completely over onto her stomach... everything except her head, that is... it was still lingering in a position that looked quite uncomfortable on the neck. That darn noggin.

She has now met all of her living great grandparents. I was so thrilled that she had a chance to spend time with my precious grandparents. And she managed to impress my Papa quite a bit. He couldn't believe that she "never cries!"
She got to see the ocean for the first time, on our recent trip to Washington. She didn't care a bit.

My Grandma doted on her the whole weekend. When told that she was cute at the grocery store, she replied, "I know!" I laughed and said I have to say "Thank you" to those comments... only great grandma's get to say "I know!" And grandma proudly told me that one of her friends thinks she looks like the Gerber baby. Again, I have to say thank you while grandma says "I know!"
She got her first sunburn. On a recent picnic, I was the irresponsible mama who forgot a hat or sunscreen. I did keep her in the shade and under an umbrella the whole day, but she was too fair for that! It went away quickly, but that night she seemed to enjoy the feeling of a cold washcloth on her forehead.
She's an awesome traveler. On the airlines, everyone eyes us warily and then when the plane lands with them never having heard a peep, we get told, "Wow! She is such a good baby!" I seriously think airplanes are like sleeping pills to her.
Right when we were getting ready to get on one of our flights, she had a MASSIVE blowout. Seriously, we were 2 minutes from boarding. I ran to the bathroom, and she had poo everywhere... running down her leg which meant my hand got covered. Unfortunately her change of clothes was in another bag, which was with Jacob outside the bathroom. So Cora got to walk through the Portland airport with nothing but a diaper and a hair bow on. And we missed pre-boarding. Such is life.
Traveling did mess up her schedule a bit... she was sleeping at strange times and waking up far too frequently to eat. But we seem to be getting back on track. Waking up two times a night is bearable to me... though I look forward to my first day with 8 hours of sleep.

I'm keeping this record not because I think everyone in bloggy land cares about every little detail of Cora's development and her blowouts, but because I want to remember these things someday (ok, maybe not the blowouts.)... I don't journal, so this is the closest thing I have. Thanks for humoring me... :)

So many of you have faithfully prayed for us these last couple of months of our transition, and I'm thankful to say that it looks like the waiting game may be nearing an end... Jacob's had quite a few interviews these last couple of weeks and has received a few verbal job offers. Two of them are for jobs he thinks he would really like. Those verbal offers are supposed to be turning into written ones sometime in the next week or so... if that happens, we have a decision on our hands.

I know I should be thankful for "decisions," especially in an economic climate where we could have gone much, much longer without any offers. But we aren't good at making choices... we are incredibly indecisive and it is hard for us to "go with our gut," because we are both very, very logical. It took us about a year to decide it was time to come home from China! And now we're faced with a choice about where to go next... option one is the pacific northwest. A beautiful part of the country where most of my extended family (including my precious grandparents) lives. (Those are the pluses.) The downside is the job is lower paying and we'd be far from our immediate family. Option two is West Texas... a dry and dusty town in the desert. Not a place either of us wants to live, and a 5 hr drive from our nearest family. (Those are the negatives.) But the job pays considerably more, and it is still close enough that we could probably drive home and see our parents more frequently than we would if we lived in Washington.

In both cases, he would make enough that we could afford to live on just his salary, so I can stay home with Cora. But even though both of us prefer the location of the first option, it is hard to turn down a better paying job... so, fundamentally we don't know what we will do. Anyone have a crystal ball they can loan us?

The downside to all of this? Another transition... YIPPEEE! Just what I was waiting for. We are just starting to feel somewhat settled here... and here we go again. It leaves both of us feeling a little weary and sad and tired. But God has been so very faithful to us these last few months... I know He will continue. But I must admit I secretly wish to be 4 months down the road... with us already moved, settled, and getting plugged into a new community, wherever that might be.

And we close with sleeping beauty.

Giver of Life

2011-04-08T10:43:00.000-05:00

She lived up to her name the other day…

Cora Eve… Maiden, Giver of Life.

We were visiting my grandmother in the hospital. In a ward where most of the patients are elderly women with dementia, we were the only ones there during visiting hours…

It's a sad place. Everyone has a certain eagerness painted on her face when the front door to the ward opens. Will the visitor be for me? You can see the question almost leaping from each woman's eyes. Yet we were the only ones who walked through the door that day.

The nurses quickly escorted us back to a private visiting room. They didn't even want to let Cora in. "One of our patients is violent," the nurse said. But as I looked at the assortment of women in the visiting area (most with walkers or wheelchairs), I couldn't imagine what harm might befall us and I stood my ground. "No, I'd like to take her to visit her great grandma. I have permission from her doctor." The nurse shook her head and muttered something about me being willing to put my baby at risk. I smiled politely, hugged Cora a little tighter, and walked past the main visiting area to a private room where we could sit without being "in danger."

My grandma shuffled in. I pulled two packs of gum out of my purse - Juicy Fruit and Spearmint - a replacement for the cigarettes she's not allowed in this place. She sat down and we talked for a few minutes. The conversation quickly turned to Cora, and Grandma eagerly reached to hold her for a few minutes… until squirmy baby tired out old arms, and she handed her back.

The last time we had visited, Cora seemed to have found her laugh when talking with my grandma. I thought it just a fluke - her unending giggle as my grandmother smiled and talked to her. But today she did it again… as soon as she was face to face with my grandma, hearing her lilting voice and seeing her smile, Cora began laughing again. Baby laugh is the most infectious of all, so before long Grandma and I were also laughing… which just seemed to encourage Cora a little bit more. It went on and on, and I managed to capture a few minutes of it on video.

I've never heard her laugh like she does when she's visiting my grandma. I don't know what it is… but it is joy. And it is life-giving.

After a while, Grandma grew a little self-conscious. "Why does she keep laughing at me, Carrie? Does she think I look funny? I do look funny…" My grandma was stunning in her youth, but age has a way of stealing beauty, and you can sense the awkward awareness in her voice.

"Oh no, grandma," I reassure. "She doesn't think anything like that. She's just a baby! She just likes your laugh and your smile."

Proud, all of a sudden, Grandma smiles and retorts, "Well, I bet your mom is going to be jealous! If I'm the only one who can get her to laugh like that!! She must really like me."

Yes, I assure her she really does.

Our visit ended as Cora started to grow sleepy. We went to the front door to wait for the nurse to let us out of the locked ward. As we waited, I noticed the women in the general waiting area… still sitting in such a way as to be facing the door, each wishing for another door bell and a familiar face to walk through. One caught my eye and motioned me over. I pretended not to see the nurse behind me, and walked over to the elderly woman, hunched over in her wheelchair. She lifted a finger and touched Cora's foot. Cora smiled. We talked age and weight and whether I was still breastfeeding. The next woman in line eagerly reached out - wanting to touch the soft skin of new life. And the next… an elderly Asian woman who spoke nearly no English. I smiled and nodded when she chided me to get more blankets for Cora. After all, she could see the wind was strong out the window, even if the temperature hovered at nearly 70. Each woman touched and smiled and talked… each was rewarded with smiles and coos and maybe a bit of drool.

As we turned to walk out, it hit me. This too is significant. I still grieve China and all that we left, but if I remain open to the moments available in each and every day to bless, love, and encourage, my life will be no less rich than it was these last few years.

This child of mine already is teaching me… a smile, a soft word, and a friendly face. We have all we need to be women and men who give life to those around us.

It Hit

2011-03-29T14:34:00.001-05:00

I didn't expect for it to hit at a Chinese buffet in a small Texas town. I really couldn't have planned it to be more melodramatic than that. There I was, pretending to pick over pieces of crab rangoon, desperately trying to fight back tears.

The tears were winning.

I don't know what came over me. I don't know why it hit so suddenly and unexpectedly. We walked in, and the waitress simply asked if I needed a high chair for Cora's car seat. I could tell from her heavy accent that she'd be more comfortable speaking Chinese, and I muttered, "mei wenti, bu yong" before catching myself and saying "No problem. I can just set her on this extra seat."

I felt like since she spoke English to me, I should speak English back… I don't really know why. But in the moment and in that setting, saying anything in Chinese seemed silly… as if I wanted to show off. I don't think she even heard my muttered Chinese. Or maybe she did - her eyes did sort of flash a look of surprise - but the moment quickly passed and she went on with her work. And the fact that I no longer felt free to speak Chinese broke something deep in my heart.

And that's when it washed over me, for the first time since coming back… for the first time in nearly two months. I had wondered when it would hit, but I never would have guessed it would have been there. But there I was…

Wishing I was standing on different ground. In another place. Bent over steaming plates of noodles and suen la bai cai and shui zhu rou instead of staring at a platter of cloyingly sweet kung pao chicken and heat-lamp-warmed egg rolls. I wished I was turning around to a table of my friends - I could hear their laughter in my heart. Meals were such an important part of our life and our relationships in China… how many conversations shared over a bowl of steaming soup? And here I was, listening to Chinese pop music play softly in the background, pushing my food around my plate with a fork, avoiding eye contact with everyone else at the table and realizing that more than anything…

I wanted to go home.

And then something angry welled up inside of me… boiling, rolling, and spewing out of me in one singular question: "Where the hell is that?"

I am in my hometown. I'm sleeping in my husband's childhood home. I live less than 15 minutes from the bedroom where I grew up. The town hasn't changed much since my childhood. All signs point to this being "home." Everyone we meet says things like, "Oh you must be so glad to be back." I politely smile and nod my head… I am truly glad to be back. But their assumption that there's no place I'd rather be than in this dusty, windy town leaves me a little angry. I want to sarcastically ask them, "Oh, do you think I stayed in China against my will all those years?" But indulging my anger by lashing out at those who are genuinely glad to have us back is cruel and destructive.

Since that moment 3 days ago in the restaurant, I have spent many hours crying. Spent many hours angry. I'm not sure why I'm angry… not even sure where to direct this anger… but it is there nonetheless. I'm angry that I don't yet have a home to replace the one I left. (My underwear drawer is a suitcase.) I'm angry that I'm lonely - put in a place where I feel like an alien even though it is my "home." (I miss our community and our church and our friends.) I'm angry that God's provision for this season of our life puts us in a place I do not want to be. I'm angry that it doesn't seem to be as hard for Jacob as it is for me. I'm angry that I feel so unrooted. So alone. So lost.

This doesn't have resolution yet. To be honest, I'm not past the anger. I haven't found the "moral of the story," so this isn't going to end on some inspirational note. Right now I'm just hurting. I'm sad and confused and uncertain about the future. I sense the Father beckoning me to let go of my anger and turn towards Him, but I'm not ready for that. I want to shake my fists at the sky and shout, "What was the point of all that!?!" Going to China was hard. Living there was hard. Seeing what we saw was hard. Coming back was hard. On lots of levels (emotionally, practically, financially, professionally), reentry is hard. It just seems like one giant cosmic joke right now. And I'm hurting and angry, trying to make sense of the mess.

----------------

I know this post might come as a surprise after my other writings these last few weeks… Writings that paint a polly-anna-rose-colored world. All I can say is that I think maybe I was hiding from myself; afraid to let the lid off. But for whatever reasons, it came off. And now I'm trying to process all the feelings that spewed out… I have no doubt that resolution will come, and I have no doubt of exactly where I'll fall when I reach the end of my flailing, resisting, angry fighting...

The one thing that remains true in the midst of all of this is that Cora is a sign of God's grace to me. Having a baby at the same time that we made this transition defies common sense. But, I'm now seeing that she is daily painting me a picture of His joy, love, and faithfulness. She is a tangible reminder to me that He is good and present, even in circumstances I do not understand.

God's Grace

2011-03-28T23:05:00.000-05:00

I'm not sure what we did to deserve this… This baby who never, ever cries. Seriously. I think I've heard her seriously upset about 2-3 times in the last 2 months. The first few weeks, she was pretty fussy. But since then, she's been this angel baby.

(Certainly doesn't take after her mother. I'm anything but quiet. But Jacob, on the other hand… I guess we have him to thank for this blissful babe.)

It actually makes me laugh when she gets upset… because it is just so pathetic. She tries so hard to get mad, but the cry just sort of peters out before she even finishes one breath's worth. Though perhaps it was a bit mean, don't think I didn't film it. I'm not joking when I say this is majorly upset for our Ms. Cora.

See what I mean? Sort of a joke...

But I'm not complaining! Who would complain about having a baby who rarely cries?

And since someday I won't remember any of this, here's what else is going on in our little gal's world:

Of course I think she has a cute little smile… when she really grins, her eyes scrunch all up and nearly disappear behind her cheeks.
She has found her laugh, occasionally… if we laugh at her or blow on her neck. Or, as my dad discovered, if you tickle her cheeks with her toes.
She tasted ice-cream and made the funniest face ever.
She has discovered her hands, and those darn pesky things just can't seem to be trusted around her eyes. Talk about lethal weapons! But she is able to control them more and more...
She is losing interest in her pacifier, and instead finds her hand… she doesn't suck on her finger, more of her whole fist. Which leads me to believe that like her mama, she may someday be able to get her whole fist in her mouth. (Yes, I can actually do that. Don't ask me how I figured it out.)
She is plump. Just about 12 pounds now. It is settling mostly in her forearms (hello Popeye!), her belly (hello Buddha!), and her cheeks (which are ever so kissable.) We've started calling her our little baozi, for she is just about as round as a Chinese steamed bun.
She has almost rolled over (from back to stomach). The only thing holding her back is her head, which stays in place and anchors her down.
She sleeps with us. I think we both sleep better this way, and it sure makes her middle-of-the-night feedings easier! And, I love waking up with her snuggled against me. She somehow migrates until her cheek is touching my shoulder. (And no, I'm not worried about smothering her or something. I'm very aware of her presence at night, though I still sleep very well!) She is only young once, and I'm pretty sure there's a day quickly coming when the last thing she'll want to do is snuggle with her mom.
She is the slowest-waker-uper ever (again, like her mama). She goes down at night at about 9:30 and wakes up nearly on the dot at 3am to eat. Then she sleeps again until about 6, when she is hungry again. And then tries to start waking up at about 8, but it takes until nearly 9 for her eyes to remain open. The funny thing is, she's ready for a morning nap by 10:30, and sleeps until nearly noon.
When she is tired, she grunts and moans instead of cries. I'm not kidding… it's the funniest thing… She'll take a deep breath, and then exhale and make it vibrate her vocal chords. Then she does it again and again, until she finally conks out.
She takes the best naps if she gets to sleep on my chest or in her swing. At night, she only sleeps if she is swaddled. I like watching her when we swaddle her... it instantly calms her down. She turns limp and it is as if she's saying, "OK - Take me to bed!"
She is like a little bird. Her mouth is always open, searching for something eat. What's particularly amusing is when she tries to latch on to her own cheeks. You see, they've really grown in size these last few weeks, and when she turns her head while lying down, her cheek sort of squishes up into the edge of her mouth. She feels it brushing her lips, and so she starts turning her head even further, rooting for her own cheek. Sorry babe! Nothing there!!
If she wants to, she can support all of her weight on her legs. But she doesn't really want to, most of the time. She can also sit up when she is propped with some pillows, and she particularly loves it since she can look all around. Oh how she hates tummy time... I'm not particularly good at making her do it frequently.

She's keeping me busy. I really love spending time with her, and I'm so thankful she's such an easy-going baby. I really expected a high-maintenence child, but instead got this picture of God's grace.

Oh and the headband? That's something I made, and it makes me smile. She reminds me of the Chiquita banana lady, for some reason.

Two Daughters

2011-03-23T10:39:00.000-05:00

I thought of her the morning I first held my daughter, but I didn't yet know her name. Cradling new, beautiful, perfect life in my arms, I rejoice. Yet in that moment I remember: the sweet often has the bitter, and I think about the babies born that day who would not remain in their mothers' arms. Faceless and nameless, yet no less precious than my sweet Cora Eve.

I wrote at the NDFH blog today. Click to continue reading...

----------------

Jace (Robert) will be joining his adoptive family soon! What an answer to prayer!! I still can't get over how good God is... anyway, his family is raising money for his adoption, and they have a t-shirt fundraiser going on. If you want, you can support the Race to Jace by purchasing a t-shirt. It's a great cause!!! (I promise causes don't get sweeter or more adorable than Jace!)

Oh the Places You'll Go

2011-03-10T09:00:00.003-06:00

So when I got home from getting Cora her 2-month shots today (yuck!), there was this interesting package waiting on my doorstep. If my heart could leap for joy over an item, I swear it would over this... :) (And my heart can leap for joy over an item. I was downright giddy.)

So, what might this odd-shaped package contain? Here's a hint... you can find its likeness in the picture below...

About a year and a half ago, we went and visited a good friend of ours in Zhejiang province. It was rice harvesting time in the countryside, and everywhere we looked, there were farmers with these giant baskets. I have this odd penchant for the everyday items farmers use... if I were a Mongolian nomad, I might be thrilled with a plow disc or a John Deere tractor. And it isn't the first time that I fell in love with a farmer's basket...

So, I asked one of the farmers if I could buy his basket. He wanted $100. I laughed. At the next bend in the road, our (Chinese) friend asked a different farmer if he could buy the basket. The guy looked at him like he was a wee bit crazy, but said sure... and sold it to us for about $3.

It had been used by his family since the mid-1990s, as evidenced by the writing on the side of the basket. It also had his family name painted on it, and to me it looked positively amazing.

But then there was the challenge of getting it home. I checked it on the airplane. I didn't have a box big enough for it, so I just showed up at the airport with my basket and was sent to the oversized baggage area by an incredulous ticket agent. The old guy at oversized baggage was bent over laughing when he saw the foreigner with the farming basket... he laughed so hard he cried, which is an unusual thing for a stoic Chinese gentleman. I was a little embarrassed, but the basket was totally worth it...

By the time we got to Beijing, Jacob had his exit route carefully planned out. He made a beeline for McDonald's and left me to "get the baggage." But really he just didn't want to be there for the moment when my basket came tumbling down the luggage carousel. Sure enough, as it made its way around the belt, my fellow travelers were elbowing one another and whispering and pointing at the basket. Who in the world would bring such a thing to the metropolitan city of Beijing? The crazy foreigner, that's who...

So the basket sat in my apartment for the last year and a half... sadly, in a corner, as it was simply too huge to fit in our small living area. But I schemed and dreamed about getting it home to America. But it is HUGE! Like 2 feet in diameter and nearly 2 feet tall! We didn't have room in our luggage (though some suggested I pop Cora in it and claim it was my baby carrier), so I left it behind, hoping it could be shipped later but too practical to bite the bullet and pay over $100 in shipping fees for a $3 basket.

But then my dear friend Joan brought it home with her on the plane! And though it technically exceeded the size restrictions, no one charged her anything. (yippeee!) It arrived, safe and sound in Madison, WI carrying 50 lbs of her clothing. She then wrapped it in plastic and popped it in the mail to me... and for about $17, I ended up with this on my porch today.

I am one happy gal. Now, there's just one more item I'd love to get home from China... an amazing farmer's hat that is nearly 3 feet in diameter and made from straw. It's incredible, and would make a great wall decoration! Anyone interested in being a courier? :)

Sweetness

2011-03-09T12:21:00.000-06:00

So yesterday was my birthday. I'm 29. Usually I'm a little sad about birthdays (something about time marching on), but I'm not this year...

Maybe it's because of this sweetness.

But actually I think it is something else, mostly... I'm 29. Which means I'm almost 30. Which means I'm 6 months away from 29.5. You know what we're officially eligible to do once I hit 29.5?

Start paperwork for an adoption from China...

Now, to be perfectly honest, we aren't really ready for that quite yet.

Due to this sweetness.

But, the fact that we'll be eligible is a big deal! We aren't sure what God's timing is for us in the future or how things might change, but at this point, we still feel pretty strongly that our #2 kiddo will come via an airplane ride.

You know, way back before I was preggers, I got really fearful that if I had a baby I would morph into some version of myself that I didn't recognize... someone who only cared about her own baby and who only wanted to bake cookies all day. I read a book by Kay Warren, and in it she said (I'm paraphrasing), that if God gives you a heart for your family and a heart for the world, that He'll make a way for you to love both well, as they are both part of His heart. That really sunk in with me, and honestly gave me some of the courage I needed to say, "OK, I think I'm ready to see if we can have a wee one."

And you know what I'm finding now?

Now that I have this sweetness in my life?

I'm finding that my heart for orphans and my heart for their mamas and daddies is growing exponentially! Sure, my attention is mostly focused on our little one right now, as it should be. But, in my heart, I'm bursting with a deeper love for the children of this world who do not have families and grieving with a greater sorrow for the families who gave them up.

So year 29? I think it is going to be a thing of beauty... and I'm excited about it. Because it is going to be filled with a whole lotta sweetness.

Enjoying the Ride

2011-03-07T19:29:00.001-06:00

Sorry for the blog silence... we were out of town last week. (But Laine, it is nice to know I'm missed!)

It finally feels like we're settling into our new rhythms. We've been here almost a month, and it feels like I've finally caught up on my rest. Looking back on these last couple of months makes me whisper a prayer of thanks to God for carrying us through... the birth of our baby, the closing of a major life chapter, and the starting of a new one. Along with lots and lots of busy-ness in between. I know this blog is starting to sound like a broken record, because that's all I ever talk about, but wow. These last few months have been CrAzY, and I feel like I'm finally catching my breath. (And realizing just how faithful God has been since we've made this transition unscathed!)

Cora wearing an outfit I wore as a wee babe.

Being home with our families is wonderful. Simple things like school events and family meals... and bigger deals, like our niece's second birthday party. It's just wonderful to BE THERE. We have missed that these last few years. And our families and friends... Wow. They deserve a WHOLE BLOG POST. A lot of times, people tell us things like, "Wow! It's really amazing what you guys did... quitting your jobs and moving to China. Not many people could do that!" Well you know what, we couldn't have either. We didn't do it on our own; we have been backed by the most amazing community these last few years, and it hasn't stopped yet. Many of our supporters have said they want to continue supporting us until Jacob finds a job. And, for as long as we need it, we have a place to live (and it isn't in someone else's house... it's a house of our own), food to eat, all the baby stuff we could possibly need, and just last week, one of Jacob's brothers and his wife gave us a car. I don't mean loan. I mean give. We don't deserve that. So this is what I've learned... when you are tempted to do something "big" that seems overwhelming and scary and impossible, I am quite confident God is just waiting to make a way... and He will use His kingdom-people to help do it. Not only will they be blessed and you'll be provided for, but everyone involved will grow to understand that God doesn't wish us to journey this life alone. "Be Independent" may be an American value, but is is a Kingdom one...

A NDFH adoptive mama, Andrea, made this beautiful quilt. I love the patch of Asian fabric...

That's not to say we don't want to be independent... We're both looking forward to the day that Jacob is employed and we get to settle in our "own" place. Way back in our dating days of long ago (10 years ago!), we'd sometimes go to Home Depot and look at their model kitchens. (Hey, we live in a small town... there aren't many date-worthy activities.) We'd talk about how we wanted our home to "someday look." At the age of 29 (tomorrow!), I might be getting close to the season of our life when we will be making those choices for ourselves for the first time. And I have to say, some of our priorities have changed a lot, and while I'm excited about the chance to have a home of our own, I think it's going to look a lot more scaled-down than it might have in the past... and really, I know it isn't about the place, it's about the people in it. And I can make an apartment feel like a home. I'm just ready to have a place of our own...

She's a fan of the bath...

Jacob's in the thick of a job search... many of you have written to say that you're praying for us, and we so appreciate it. He's had a few solid leads and a couple of interviews. So far, none of the interviews have panned out and/or been for jobs that he's super interested in. But there is one position that he's super interested in. Last summer, he contacted a small company to express an interest in their work. He didn't hear anything from them until a few weeks ago, when the owner asked if he was still looking for work. (Good timing, right?!) They've talked a little bit so far, but haven't had a chance to really talk due to the company being in the thick of a major project. Hopefully they'll have a chance to talk more soon. Jacob's really excited about the possibility, but at this point, he doesn't know any details... will you pray that if this is "the one," things will fall into place? All along, I've been hoping and praying that Jacob would find a job that he just flat-out loves. And he gets excited talking about this, so it might be that type of position.

My two girls. Seeing who's longer. (I didn't pose this.)

We're all adjusting to this new life. LeLe is taking to Cora, as you can see from above (one of my absolutely favorite pictures - makes me laugh every time I see it), and Cora is growing like a WEED. She had her 2-month checkup, and she's just perfectly average. (50th percentile for height and weight; 80th for head circumference. That's probably because I tell her she's adorable all the time. It's giving her a big head.) Tell me, please, how do you slow this down?! I'm already sad that she's growing up so quickly. Time flies. Some parts of the last few months aren't missed... but the newborn sweetness is. Now she's starting to drool, discovering her hands, 'talking' nonstop, smiling at whoever looks her way, and wanting to look around at the big bright world whenever she's awake. Now that I'm more rested and some of the harder parts are behind us, I'm loving being Cora's mama. More than I thought I would, honestly.

Me and the babe, on her 2-month bday.

I'm also doing a lot of thinking about what else I want to 'do' during this season of my life. Scarlet Threads lives on (and thrives!), and I'm going to stay involved in NDFH's work... though I'm not sure to what extent yet. I also want to write more, and I want to learn to knit! I know. Crazy. I can't do it all. But, I can't wait to see how things progress over the next few months... God has been so faithful so far; I know His goodness will continue, and I'm looking forward to the ride. As you know, I'm trying to learn to let go of control... and as one of my friends once said, not only get out of the driver's seat, but just sit back and color, unconcerned about "where" we're going, but just making the most of the ride.

More pictures of Cora and her second month on facebook...

Hosea's Wife

2011-02-22T14:43:00.003-06:00

Sometimes I feel like I'm a girl getting ready for prom when it comes to my relationship with God. As if need to get all gussied up and 'perfect' before He'll want to be seen in public with me.

And fairly often, the world sees Prom-Ready Carrie. To be honest, for those who read my blog, it's the version of me you know best. The woman who works with orphans. The one who writes about her faith. Whatever labels you give me, they are most often flattering ones. You never say, "Oh, you know Carrie. The one who is a complete control freak."

But that might be more true.

We are so well-cared for right now… we have shelter, food, and everything we could possibly need. But Jacob doesn't yet have a job. And instead of trusting that God will provide one in the right time/season, I turned into Jacob's manager and job coach. Like most bad moves, it started with the best of intentions. I wanted to help him… but my help quickly turned into flat-out control, and a few weeks ago Jacob confronted me about it and asked me to step aside unless he requested my help.

He was gentle, but things got ugly quickly.

To be honest, I knew he was right. But I grew defensive and accusatory and came up with all sorts of reasons why I was 'helping' him and why it wasn't what he thought.

But it was what he thought. And working to weed these ugly things out of my relationship with Jacob has shown me that the roots go all the way down into my relationship with God.

I was chatting with my mother-in-law yesterday morning, and she shared a passage from Hosea that she'd been reading. It isn't a flattering chapter… about Israel's unfaithfulness to God; comparing Israel to a prostitute - Hosea's wife. And I saw myself in Israel. I am Hosea's wife.

I fail to recognize that all I have is a gift from the Father (2:8) and instead try to "run after other lovers and sell myself to them for food and water, for clothing of wool and linen, and for olive oil and drinks." (2:5). Running after lovers is a shocking way to put it, but really it does reflect my heart… refusing to rely on God for what I need and what He wants to supply, and instead trying to take matters into my own hands and make a way for myself.

But you know what God says about our self-reliance and self-destruction? He says He will fence us in with thorn bushes, block our paths with a wall, and make us lose our way. We will seek these other lovers, but we will not find them. We won't catch them. (2:6-7) He won't let us.

Thorn bushes are pokey and painful… sort of like when your husband confronts you with the less-than-ready-for-Prom version of yourself. But it is an act of love to be fenced, blocked, and stopped as we seek to make our way along paths of disobedience.

I don't know about you, but when I'm confronted with thorn bushes and walls and I start to see that my masquerades aren't fooling the audience, I turn from Hosea's wife into Eve. I want to hide. And I go a step further - acutely aware of my nakedness, I feel lonely and isolated. Like I deserve to be unloved, as if love were contingent on performance and having it all together. In short, I feel like I'm in a desert… a barren wasteland where nothing is living and fruitful in my heart or in my relationships. It is a place where I could wither up and die.

But you know what? The desert wasn't an accidental detour. God brings us into those places, for barrenness doesn't hide much. We are vulnerable and transparent - whether we want to be or not - and He can do a great work in our heart if we choose to remain open instead of withering and dying. In Hosea, He says He will "lead her into the desert and speak tenderly to her there. I will return her vineyards to her and transform the Valley of Trouble into gateway of hope." (2:14-15)

So as I'm faced with these ugly nooks and crannies of my life, I can rest in the understanding that God didn't bring me to this desert to expose my nakedness and make me feel ashamed. He brings me here to prune and shape and grow… to bring about life and new vineyards… to transform barrenness and fear into a gateway of new life and hope.

Though it may be hard to see at first, beautiful things do sometimes grow in barren deserts.

Sweet Days

2011-02-21T21:25:00.000-06:00

My days are filled with this sweetness right now...

...and that is enough.

I'm thankful for this quiet and slow season. Cora is such a sweet baby, and it's a joy to get to know her and watch her explore her world. She rarely cries... she must have her father's laid-back disposition. (But she definitely has my tendency to talk!)

Because we're staying with family right now, it feels a bit like we're on a vacation. And that we'll be headed back to China in a few weeks... I'm not sure reality is going to set in until we are settling down -- wherever that might be.

It isn't all sweetness... God has been dealing with some things in my heart that aren't that pretty. Issues of control and fear that run deep and seem to be rearing their ugly heads in this season of uncertainty. I want to share more, but right now I'm just so tired.... Hopefully soon I will be able to share more.

Goodbye China, Hello USA

2011-02-16T17:36:00.000-06:00

Life back in China feels like a dream. A foggy one, that I'm already starting to forget. For me, it hasn't sunk in yet that we aren't going back. It feels like just another trip home. I think taking care of Cora helps to distract me. Jacob seemed a little down yesterday, and when I asked him what was wrong he said the finality of our decision was starting to sink in. I know it will happen for me... will it take a few days? Weeks? Months? Will it hit me as I'm walking through the grocery store? Or doing dishes? I wonder what I'll do... it's not going to be easy, I know.

Little things amuse me. We were in the grocery store and were waiting in line to checkout. The cashiers were all busy, with one or two people in each line waiting. My mother-in-law commented on how busy it was - and don't get me wrong, for our small town, it was busy. But my mind immediately flashed back to the week before when I stood in line for 45 minutes behind about 10 people to check-out. Busy-ness redefined.

Or at the airport in Seattle. The train arrived and as I was waiting to get on, I felt an urge to inch forward to the doors before anyone had even exited the train. I'm used to elbows and pushing, and suddenly I realized I was the only one preparing to push my way on.

I also find that overhearing others' conversations, and being able to understand all that they say, is distracting and sometimes surprising. I'm probably going to become entirely too noisy. Oh, and commercials on TV. We never watched Chinese TV, so for the most part, I don't watch commercials. (Except when I intentionally went online to watch the Superbowl commercials - my favorite? Darth Vader/VW.) Suddenly I feel the same old pressure to make my life better, faster, and more indulgent.

So that's a taste of what coming home has been for me these last few days... but right now I want to record our last week, before it feels even more fuzzy and dream-like.

We spent lots of time with friends... meals, pictures, laughter, conversation. My favorite moment? When one of our friends told us that we'd need to bring Cora back in a few years, so she'd understand her "roots." That made me smile...

Do you see that red envelope tucked into her blanket? That's called "Hong Bao" (literally: red envelope) It is a traditional gift... you put money in it, and give it to someone on a special occasion - a birth, wedding, Chinese New Year. Cora got several Hong Bao to celebrate her arrival, and I saved them all...
thought it'd be neat for her to have someday.

We also gave Cora her first haircut. I know, a little early, right? I wouldn't have - if it weren't for the unfortunate mullet she was born with. I still might have left it alone, but then I found out about a Chinese tradition where they cut a baby's hair and make a calligraphy brush from the trimmings. I thought that seemed like a beautiful way to preserve her baby hair, so the night before we left, Cora got her first haircut.

We spent time at the foster home, too. Saying last goodbyes to the children. I promised Ethan that I'd try to see him when he comes to America with his family... if I can figure out where he lives. I love this picture we took with Vincent. He loved holding Cora, but sometimes he'd get distracted by something else, and she'd topple off his lap onto the couch. It made me laugh, but it worried the nannies! Doesn't he look as proud as punch to be holding a baby? Robert had to check my belly one last time to make sure there was no baby still inside... I can't wait for all those little guys to join their families... I'm thrilled that they are all matched.

The trip home was tiring and long, but at the end waited our families. Cora meets my parents tonight, but she already got to meet Jacob's parents (that's his mom down below). We know it is good to be home with our families right now... good for all of us.

There are a few more pictures on facebook... but Cora wants to eat now, and there's no putting off a hungry baby.

Nowhere but NowHere

2011-02-15T18:30:00.000-06:00

In some ways, I'm in the same place I was four years ago.

I remember the day we got on the plane to go to China. I cried giant tears, as if I'd never step foot on this land again. As if the goodbyes we were saying were forever goodbyes. I felt terrified, alone, crazy, and irresponsible. Who quits their jobs and moves to the other side of the world to volunteer with an organization you've never heard of before?

The day we got on the plane to come to the USA, I cried giant tears… as if I'd never step foot on that land again. As if the goodbyes we were saying were forever goodbyes. I felt terrified, alone, crazy and irresponsible. Who picks up and moves their whole life one month after having a baby?

As we prepared to move to China nearly 4 years ago, we read a book called Ruthless Trust by Brennan Manning, and the same passage that spoke to me then speaks to me now.

Our story is perhaps a paradigm for every trusting disciple. The way of trust is a movement into obscurity, into the undefined, into ambiguity; not into some predetermined, clearly delineated plan for the future. The next step discloses itself only out of a discernment of God acting in the desert of the present moment. The reality of naked trust is the life of a pilgrim who leaves what is nailed down, obvious, and secure, and walks into the unknown without any rational explanation to justify the decision or guarantee the future. Why? Because God has signaled the movement and offered it his presence and his promise.

I've been on a journey of trust these last four years, and in some ways it feels like I haven't moved at all. But then sometimes I look around me, see I'm in totally new territory and realize just how far God has brought me and what he has taught me.

He has taught me that He is always good. I'm not sure if I truly believed that four years ago, as we were preparing to move to China. I think I thought one of the reasons I personally needed to go to China was to help pick up the slack. As I evaluated the plight of orphans, I came to the conclusion that God's attention was clearly lacking in this department, and maybe I could make up some of the deficit. (Not that I would have admitted that at the time… partially because I didn't see it in myself and partially because it sounds awfully unfaithful.) But over these last few years, whenever I came to the end of my rope, I always saw that God's rope was longer still. He didn't let them down, and He's never forgotten a single child. I've seen them matched with families, pull through impossible surgeries, and sustain a joy that could only be explained by God's presence.

But even though I know He is always good, I can't seem to live in this land of trust. I fancy myself an optimist, but in reality I often brace myself for the worst. When I first found out I was pregnant with Cora, I was convinced I'd probably miscarry. Then when that didn't happen, I braced myself for the inevitable difficulty of having a baby… of adjusting to motherhood… of packing our belongings... of saying goodbyes. As each milestone came and went with my "worst fears" unrealized, I started to recognize in myself a tendency not towards optimism and trust, but of fear and control. Though I'd quickly defend God's goodness in the lives of orphans, I questioned His character in my own life… without any real reason.

A few months ago, a friend of mine in Beijing said something to me that I've been pondering since then. As I fretted about the hypothetical situations I was facing and expressed my desire for peace, she gently smiled and said, "Carrie, God doesn't dwell with us in our future fears, so you'll never have peace for the things you worry will happen in the future."

He doesn't dwell in our future fears. In Ruthless Trust, Brennan Manning says it a bit differently. He says God is nowhere by NowHere. He's only present in the Now and Here not in the Then or There. He is Emmanuel, God with us… right here and right now.

And that's what I've learned these last few months. I was fearful about so many things, and when I thought about the big picture and dwelled on all the changes all at once, I'd get so overwhelmed. But in the day to day - in the present moments - I've always had a lot of peace. So while we were in the hospital, I had a lot of peace about having the baby, in spite of some somewhat serious post-delivery complications. And when we first went home from the hospital, I suddenly found most of my fears about taking care of a baby went away and I managed much better than I thought I could. The packing and goodbyes were less traumatic than I expected, and though it was hard to leave, by the time we got on the USA-bound plane, I was looking forward to the next season. The trip home was a breeze… everything went smoothly… our dog even made it with no problems! And now we are home, and we have everything we could possibly need. You may remember me worrying where Cora was going to sleep a few weeks ago, but as I type this, Cora is drifting off to sleep in a swing that my sister-in-law gave me, an extra from her own recent baby shower. There was a roomful of baby clothes, supplies, and furniture waiting at Jacob's parents' house when we arrived… on loan from our brothers and sisters. There was cereal in the cabinet and strawberries in the fridge. Fresh sheets on the bed and a fire crackling. For however long we need it, we have a home. And I felt peace.

I still don't know what is next… where or when Jacob will find a job, where or when we will move on from this place. But I sense His presence today, and that's all I really need.

I pray that no matter where your life's journey is taking you today, you will look for God nowhere but NowHere, and that you'll trust that it is enough.

Pictures taken on my walk from our apartment to the foster home on my last day in China...

Happy Valentine's Day

2011-02-14T19:23:00.000-06:00

We are back in the good 'ole USA. I know I owe everyone a detailed blog post... and it is coming. I'm sorry it is taking so long... infancy sleep deprivation + jetlag = complete and utter uselessness.

(Why apologize? I guess I like to think people are anxiously awaiting my updates... in reality, that's probably not the case. But I do want to write it all down before I forget -- just for my own record. However, I'm not motivated enough to do it just for that, so it helps me to think you are all on the edge of your seats... humor me.)

So more will come soon, but I will say this for now -- trip was pretty amazing. Our little Cora is a traveling champ. Thirty hours of travel time, and she didn't cry once - I kid you not.

Maybe it was the drugs we gave her...

(That, my friends, was a joke.)

One Month

2011-02-05T09:21:00.001-06:00

She's one month old today... don't have time to say much more than that, but I did post some pictures on facebook. And we took a family photo today... click on it to see the others.

Happy Birthday Cora. You celebrated by drinking lots of milk and dirtying your diaper mere seconds after mama gave you a clean one. Mom and Dad celebrated by eating out with friends and getting a wonderful massage while the massage girls ooed and awed over you. (Oh China, how we'll miss your massages.)

A Hoppin' Poppin' Celebration

2011-02-03T01:05:00.001-06:00

Get it? Hoppin' for the rabbit? Poppin' for the fireworks. I know, bad joke. Someone should really stop me.

Would you believe that 3.5 years of living in China, and we'd never seen a Chinese New Year fireworks display until last night? Shameful, I know. One year we slept through it. (Lame!) And two years we weren't in the country. This was our final chance, and we stayed up until midnight last night to ring in the Year of the Rabbit.

And wow. The Chinese know how to do fireworks, that's all I have to say about that. It is sheer over-the-top madness. You can buy what would be considered professional-grade/for-the-experts-only fireworks on the street here. And so every single household puts on a display rivaling your local city's Fourth of July celebration. And they do it all at once. It is 360 degrees (as in the whole horizon) of fireworks, and it is exhilaratingly spectacular for the sheer size and spectacle of it. I LOVED it!

This video was shot a couple of years ago in central Beijing, but it pretty much sums up what we saw last night.

-------------

In case you missed it, I have the good news of the year... ROBERT HAS A FAMILY! His new name is Jace. Robert has been on my heart for such a long time, and many of you have joined us in praying for his family to find him. Yet again, God answered! Just a few weeks ago, I was wondering why... and now Robert is joyfully celebrating his new family.

-------------

A family who works at the foster home as house-parents for a group of older girls, the Rippees, are in the process of an adoption. I've mentioned them before. As you may know, all foreign workers at the foster home are volunteers, so the Rippees need some extra help funding their adoption. Right now they have a t-shirt fundraiser underway... Maybe you want a new shirt?

-------------

And last but not least - we are 8 days away from departure... we especially need your prayers right now, as we have a {sometimes} fussy infant, a sick daddy, a sleep-deprived mama, a torn-apart house, and a list of people we'd like to see before we go. EEK! It sounds worse than it is, actually... we're doing pretty well, but I know it's because so many people are praying for us.

I really need to take some time to write about how God is carrying me through this journey... hopefully will find a moment in the next day or so. But until then, know this. I'm actually EXCITED to go home, right now. Still a little sad to be leaving {I'm sure there are many more tears to be shed in the next week}, but mostly excited about the "next chapter," whatever that is... and I'm learning more about God's faithfulness as we walk through this season of uncertainty...

In the Bag

2011-02-02T03:29:00.000-06:00

So the baby bag has provided more amusing moments...

The beloved bag...

Oh how we'll miss it when we go home to USA!

(It's a friends; we're just borrowing it.)

The other morning, we were in a driver's car on the way to church. We'd brought Cora in the bag, but when we pulled up in front of our friend's house, I took her out of the bag to hold her so that there'd be more room for them to sit. (I know - horrifying that we don't use a car seat. We would, but none of the drivers we know have seat belts in the back seat. Seems better to hold her than to strap her into a seat that just becomes a projectile device in the event of an accident.) I asked Jacob to have the driver open the trunk so we could put the bag in. The driver opened the trunk and turned to see what Jacob was getting from the backseat to put away. When he saw Jacob pick up the zipped bag, a look of horror and shock spread across his face.

You could see him trying to conceal it a little bit... he already thinks we're a bit 'off' for carrying Cora in a bag instead of in a 12-inch-thick (no kidding) bundle of blankets. (Have any of you seen the documentary Babies? If not, you need to. You know the Mongolian baby, and the way they bundle him up in preparation for the trip home from the hospital? Well the Mongolians and Chinese share similar baby-bundling traditions.) But back to the driver. Though he, along with most others here, think the bag is strange and that foreigners have crazy child-rearing ideas, he usually lets it go. But he would have none of this.

"Where's your baby?" He asked, in a semi-horrified voice. I was sitting directly behind him so he didn't have a clear view of me holding Cora. Unfortunately for us, he didn't seem too surprised to see Jacob putting the bag in the trunk... a sort of "I-really-wish-they-wouldn't-do-this, but-I'm-not-surprised-that-they-do" kind of response.

We felt more than a little vindicated when we could point out that I was in fact holding our baby. And not putting her in the trunk. And then we all got a good laugh. Turns out we aren't totally crazy foreigners.

---------

Kevin, Ganlu, and Cora

And then there was the other day at the office. Yet again we took a sleeping Cora in her bag on the cold walk up to the office. (We'd probably carry her more, but it's just so darn toasty in that bag, and Beijing winters are COLD!) Jacob set her down on my old desk, but since she was soundly asleep and not stirring, the bag just looked very bag-like. One of my co-workers, Kevin, turned to say hello to Jacob and me and asked, "Where's Cora?"

Realizing he hadn't yet encountered The Bag, I didn't miss a beat and said, "Oh, we left her at home."

"You what?" Kevin asked, with a look of incredulity.

"Well, she's asleep," I said. "And we really needed to get out of the house. I'm sure she's fine. Le Le's there."

Kevin's eyes widened, as you could see him trying to decide just what to say in response. Unable to keep a straight face any longer, I started laughing and told Kevin I was just kidding and that she was in the bag.

His response?

"Well, I saw the bag, but I never dreamed you'd put your baby in it!"

It is more reasonable that we'd leave her home, I suppose. That's how we do things in America.

Update: An Unimaginative Title for an Unimaginative Post

2011-01-29T00:38:00.000-06:00

Time flies. Cora is almost 4 weeks old, and we're only 2 weeks from departure. So much has happened these last few weeks... I'm sort of on autopilot. Our excitement in going home is offset in our sadness over leaving... and we're left feeling a little numb. Our anticipation about something new is offset by our fear of the unknown... and we're left feeling a little numb. In spite of the numbness, I sense God giving grace/peace for each and every day.

Motherhood. Wow. It's overwhelming to me, in good ways and bad. Cora's precious and beautiful, and I'm growing to love her deeply. (I don't think I was one of those moms who bonded the minute I laid eyes on her... But, I know it is growing and those feelings are "overwhelming" in their own way.) Some days I feel like I have it under control. And then there are mornings like today, which find me dissolved in tears sitting on my bed staring at a baby I can't get to stop crying. Jacob came down with a cold, and in an effort to keep Cora and me healthy, he's keeping a bit of distance. I know it is for the best, but this morning it left me feeling very alone. That's the other kind of "overwhelming" I feel... an "I can't do this, let's go back to the way it was before, what were we thinking" feelings. This too shall pass, I know...

One of my fears was that having a baby would so alter Jacob's and my relationship that I wouldn't recognize it. That hasn't happened, really. It has been a big change, and we know that right now is the hardest part as we adjust and figure out a new normal (especially in the midst of all the other big changes), but I think now we have something bigger than ourselves to focus on. We've been patient with each other and worked together as a team. I know we can do this... and when I see him looking at her like this, my heart melts a little.

We've had to start saying goodbyes... Though we don't leave until Feb. 11, most everyone else has already left. (At least our Chinese friends.) They are all going to their hometowns for Chinese New Year. And so the goodbyes began. Most of them haven't been quite as hard as I imagine, mostly because I feel very deep down that I am not saying goodbye forever. We will be back. Maybe not to live, but certainly to see the people we love. It's funny, we came for the children, we stayed for many other reasons, and as we leave, what we are most going to miss most are our friends. Friends who have loved and cared for us in amazing ways... who have taught us the true meaning of "community" and showed us that independence isn't always the best way.

Meeting Alison, our oldest China friend. (Not in age, but in length of time known...) :)

Alison's kids and their friend peek at Cora in her bag.

Cora meeting Nancy, who came to visit from Inner Mongolia. Nancy was our Chinese teacher when we first arrived.

We got to have a girl's night before we left... some of my closest China friends. Grace (foster home Chinese director), Debbie, Ganlu (foster home web designer), me, and the other Grace (foster home medical manager)

Yesterday they had a goodbye party for us at the foster home. Everyone went around and shared memories, thoughts, and words of encouragement with us. They had a powerpoint with pictures and video from our last three years in China, and then had a time of prayer and a meal. It was precious. The things people shared helped me see that we were able to make some kind of impact -- we'll never really know how big/small, and that's ok -- not only on the kids, but also on the staff and community. It's funny, the things they said about us reflect the version of ourselves that we always aspire to be. Compassionate, humble, servant-hearted, friendly and loving... they don't remember the days when we were self-serving, angry, arrogant, and unkind. (And yes, there were plenty of those days.) There was once a day I elbowed a pushing lady out of my way on a crowded bus... When she asked in an irritated voice what my problem was, I sarcastically retorted "What's yours? Why are you pushing?" (You should know that pushing is TOTALLY acceptable here... I was the only one irritated by it.) If she'd been at the party, her memory of me wouldn't be the same as the other ones shared... I want to grow to be the kind of person who leaves the "aroma of Christ" in all circumstances and situations. Not just in the ones where I'm "ON" and in "Christ-like" mode. I guess I just don't want there to be an ON/OFF switch for that. (How did I get on that from a general description of the party? Oh well, blame my bone-tired momma brain.)

Letters and emails and notes and comments continue to pour in from so many of you... telling us that you're praying for us, sending us your love. Offering help/support in things as diverse as baby supplies to places to live to job leads! You're writing us words of encouragement and keeping us close to your hearts. I can't express how much it means. When I'm overwhelmed, I regularly take a deep breath, close my eyes, imagine all of you praying for us, and try to steady my heart on Him, remembering that those are the ones He keeps in perfect peace. Thank you for journeying with us.

Every post needs a little icing, so here's Cora in one of her more awake moments. Really this is for the grandparents, who rarely are able to Skype with us during her most awake times.

Just Like Her

2011-01-24T06:32:00.000-06:00

Cora Eve - Two Weeks

Photography by Amber Parker Photography

More pictures on Facebook.

I see myself in her.

Not just in the curve of her lip or the shape of her pinkie toe, but in her flailing arms and kicking legs. In the way she fights sleep and tries to comfort herself with her balled up fists.

She's helpless, but if she were cognitively able to understand her circumstances, something tells me she'd fight against that helplessness. She'd flail and kick and try to make her own way.

Just as I do.

We leave in 15 short days. Most of our friends leave at the end of this week, returning to faraway hometowns to see their families for the Chinese New Year holiday. It is a lot of goodbyes.

I am trying to comfort myself… maybe not with balled up fists, but with avoidance and tears and pretending it isn't happening.

We're packing up our belongings, and I'm all flailing arms and kicking legs. Refusing to get started because to start means to admit this chapter of life is ending. Such finality. Kicking and flailing against change…

What if there's no job? Where will Cora sleep? We need to order a car seat! How will I get her schedule changed? Will LeLe be OK on a 20 hour trip in a small pet carrier? If I leave all my spices here, that just means I have to buy more in America! We don't have a couch anymore… or a washer and dryer. Moving home is going to be so expensive! How is it all going to work?

I fight sleep… worries clouding my mind as I seek to grasp for control of these out of control circumstances.

She's just like me. I'm just like her.

She's sleeping right now in my arms. If I put her on my chest, I can feel her body relax and she almost always falls asleep within minutes. I laid on my couch for an hour today… Cora curled up in a ball on my chest, sandwiched between my heartbeat and a fuzzy blanket. She rested and relaxed. She trusted me. I drank in the scent of her head and wondered at this little creature who is so entirely other yet so entirely dependent on me.

I am not so different.

Entirely other yet entirely dependent on Him.

My heart yearns to know this deeper way of Trust. To curl up in a ball on His chest and fall asleep. I need my Savior to be gentle and kind right now… patient and loving. Not asking me to be brave or strong, but to calm myself to the cadence of His heartbeat.

A dear friend sent this quote to us today… she didn't say where it came from, but I feel its message reverberating in my spirit.

I said to the man that stood at the Gate of the Year; Give me a light that I may tread safely into the unknown. And he replied; Go out into the darkness and put your hand into the hand of God. That shall be to you better than light and safer than a known way.

"...for I know Whom I have believed and I am convinced that He is able to guard what I have entrusted to Him until that day." 2 Tim 1:12

Meeting Mei Mei

2011-01-20T02:56:00.000-06:00

Yesterday (or was it the day before?) I took Cora to visit the kids at the foster home. Hannah did a blog post about the foster home kiddos meeting their newest mei mei (little sister) on the foster home's blog, with lots of cute pictures. It was so special to me to introduce "my kids" to my baby. I'm a blessed and lucky woman to have so many wonderful little ones in my life.

Oh, and as expected, they were cracking me up... Vincent and Ethan kept poking Cora on the cheek (who soundly slept through the whole meeting) and asking if she was real or fake. I think they thought she was a doll since she didn't budge despite the pokes and prods.

First and Last

2011-01-16T05:49:00.000-06:00

I took her next door wrapped in a blanket her grandma bought her. It says "I love hugs." I wanted to check her weight, and the healing home next door had a baby scale. Two friends were visiting when we decided to weigh her, so the three of us traipsed across the hall with Cora wrapped tightly. The two night nannies were excited to meet the new arrival, so as we prepared to weigh Cora in the back bedroom, there were 5 adults fawning over one tiny baby. I stepped back and saw her out of the corner of my eye.

Joy. One of our newest arrivals… she's not quite 5 months old, and she was snuggled into bed for the night, tightly wrapped in cozy blankets. But her eyes were wide open and alert, straining to watch the hustle and bustle happening just mere steps away. As the adults chattered over the new baby, Joy quietly watched… and I watched her.

My heart ached. It isn't fair. These two beautiful little girls in the same room but with such very different lives. Joy turned her head away from the noise, and as she did I noticed the tell-tale sign of orphanage life. A misshapen head from too long lying on one side. I glanced at my own daughter's round head… already knowing the curve of it under my finger… the places her hair is thicker and the places it is thin. Even when she's in the nanny's arms, I can feel the shape of her head in my hands. It isn't fair.

Joy loves hugs, too.

It was hard while I was pregnant, but it is harder now… to conceive of these differences. Fate, fallenness, fortune - people have different ways to describe these violations of fairness, but I don't try to label it. I just grieve and wonder how to have a whole heart in the midst of such brokenness.

-----------

It struck me the other morning, as I spent an hour memorizing the shape of Cora's toes, that my first month with her is my last month in China. The days are ticking down… only a couple of weeks before we say goodbye to many of our friends, who will be returning to their hometowns for Chinese New Year. Thinking about it makes me cry. And while I'm enjoying "nesting" with sweet Cora in our apartment, I realized that each day I spend in the four walls of this apartment is a day I'm not spending with my co-workers at the foster home, going to see/do something for the "last time" in Beijing, playing with the toddlers in preschool, or eating hot pot with friends. I don't know that I'm strong enough for the month ahead.

-----------

God is good and gracious and faithful. I repeat it like a mantra. Sometimes I know it to be true; sometimes I say it hoping eventually I will also believe it. Joy lies alone in her crib; Cora nestles her head into my chest. God is good and gracious and faithful to both little girls. I am learning to be a mother and often feeling inept. God is good and gracious and faithful to me. I am grieving the change in life and fearful about what is ahead. God is good and gracious and faithful in the journey ahead.

He's sending me reminders of this… often from you. Yesterday I read an email from a blog reader who had never introduced herself before, someone who also lived in China for a season of her life… Her closing paragraph said this:

China changed me in ways that most people do not understand. Coming home was hard but necessary.... oh how I empathize with the plethora of emotions swirling around inside of you. What I do know that is that you must be gracious to yourself in the transition.... be kind to yourself as you grieve what you have lost by coming home... hold the grief in one hand and the joy in the other and know that your Father is, above all things, faithful and good.

I sobbed when I read it. Oh how I need to learn to be gracious with myself… why is that always the hardest of all?

-----------

These unrelated and rambling thoughts are brought to you by the sleeplessness of new motherhood. Can I really do this? I'm not sure… they say it goes quickly. In some ways I'm already looking forward to an 8-hours-of-sleep kind of night, but in other ways, I already miss her little fingers and toes.

"Falling" Asleep

2011-01-14T08:36:00.000-06:00

Announcing

2011-01-13T09:37:00.000-06:00

Not that you didn't already know she was here... but had to share her beautiful birth announcement, made by the amazingly-talented Ganlu (Foster Home's web designer).

Cora's First Week

2011-01-12T08:10:00.000-06:00

We're bleary-eyed and love-drunk. So this is going to be short and sweet… a few observations from our first week... things I don't want to forget.

- We stayed in the hospital longer than we anticipated. Cora was fine and dandy. Momma had some bladder issues. We didn't go home until Sunday. That was hard, but at the same time good for us as we got to rest in the hospital a bit more. I know that seems like an oxymoron, but we were the only patients in the whole hospital, and the nurses bent over backwards to help us. I think we left more rested than most people feel when they leave the hospital.

- Cora is officially a citizen of the USA. She has her passport - issued yesterday. There were some tense moments with that, as we found out the whole system is being upgraded and is therefore shut down for the month of January. But we needed a passport for her this month. After many phone calls and emails, the Embassy had us come in and issued an emergency passport in 1 hour. I'm not the most patriotic person in the world, but for once something was pretty straightforward. God Bless America.

- Not many 3-day-old infants get passport pictures made, but our little gal did. When Jacob took the photo to the shop to get printed, the lady behind the counter felt like she needed a bit of "touching up" - so she photoshopped the red spots off her face. Thanks to her, my daughter is even more beautiful. Heh.

- Speaking of leaving the hospital. That was funny. In America, they wheel you out in a wheelchair and check your car seat. In Beijing, you get lectured for having wet hair (that was me) and given a surgical cap to wear to the car so you don't get too cold. And then the number of blankets you brought for your baby is carefully evaluated and deemed insufficient. So you are escorted down to the lobby by a nurse who brings extra blankets and then she sends your husband to the car to get more blankets so that you can switch out. And you quickly learn that the Chinese are on to something - warm babies = sleepy babies. (No one ever asked about a car seat.)

- Today we had to go back to the doctor for a final bladder check. We first went to a closer Chinese hospital to get the sonogram needed. Hit a brick wall. They were too busy to do it. So then we decided it'd be better to go all the way back to our hospital than to go home and have to try to go back tomorrow. But our driver for the day couldn't go into the city due to a license plate restriction. (Have I mentioned Beijing's bad traffic? One thing they do to try and solve the problem is restrict drivers from going into the city one day a week… today was our driver's day that he couldn't go.) So we ended up taking the Subway. With a one-week old baby. And wouldn't you guess it, but she got hungry on the subway. So add "inexperienced mother attempts to feed hungry infant on crowded Beijing subway without flashing entire car" to the list of things that I've now done but never anticipated doing.

- A friend loaned us one of these amazing bags. It has been a lifesaver these last couple of days, as it's a portable little bed and she's snug as a bug in a rug! (We're huge fans of it now, and are wondering if it is something we'd use when we go back to America...) But it does look like we're carrying our baby in a duffel bag. And no one knows we have a baby in the bag, so they keep asking us to do things like put it through x-ray machines in the subway stations. You should see their faces when they realize there is a baby in there. Crazy Americans.

- If you ever happen to find yourself out and about in China with a newborn baby and someone asks you how old he/she is. Lie. Don't feel guilty. Just add at least 4 weeks to whatever answer you feel like giving. Today I told a person on the Subway that Cora was one week old, and proceeded to receive a 15 minute lecture about how she didn't have enough blankets (again with the blankets!), I wasn't wearing enough clothing, the bag was not warm enough, etc. It went on and on and on. And then on some more. A sympathetic man sitting next to me racked his brain and finally came up with two English words that he kindly uttered - "culture differences." In China a new mom stays home IN HER ROOM for 30 days. She doesn't leave. She doesn't bathe. She doesn't brush her teeth. She certainly doesn't go out into the city with a one-week-old infant. Someone should take a child away from a parent as inept as that.

- LeLe is a little alarmed by the new arrival. And maybe a little jealous. She spends lots of time doing this. And sniffing her head and feet.

- She snores, grunts like a pig, sighs, squeaks, and smacks. I love her sounds.

All things considered, we're doing really well. Thank you for your prayers. I have so many emails and Facebook messages that I haven't responded to. Please know I've read each one and have been encouraged and comforted… thank you for your prayers and your love. Keep them coming!!

It's a...

2011-01-07T04:05:00.000-06:00

Girl!

By now many of you already know we welcomed Ms. Cora Eve McKean on January 5, 2011 at 9:53 am. She weighed 8.3 lbs and was 21 inches long. We didn't end up needing an induction, and things progressed pretty smoothly for the most part... had a natural delivery. Thank you for your prayers. There was a point when we were potentially going to need an emergency c-section due to her heart rate dropping, meconium in the waters, and a slow-down in contractions. But they gave us one hour, and things got back on track. She's perfectly healthy and perfectly adorable.

We've had to stay in the hospital a bit longer than expected due to my bladder not fully cooperating with our plans to go home, but it isn't a serious problem and hopefully we'll be headed home tomorrow. Please pray for that. I'm really ready to leave.

Well, my dear husband is drastically limiting my computer time, reminding me that all non-feeding moments should be reserved for attempts at sleep, so I'm signing off. I loaded a few more pictures of our little gal on facebook, if you wanna see her.

Not Yet!

2011-01-04T04:02:00.000-06:00

Still no update of any substance. So I bring you this picture, snapped by a friend of ours recently. This was taken up at the office where they are doing some construction work. And yes, he is taking a sledgehammer to the ledge he is standing on. There's really nothing else that needs to be said about that... except perhaps: why!?? (If you've spent much time in China, sites like this won't surprise you too much.)

In baby news (since I know that's what everyone actually wants)... had another appointment today. Baby is perfectly fine by all counts. Just one laid-back babe. But if he/she doesn't get moving on their own terms in the next two days, he/she will officially be handed an eviction notice Thursday morning. I'm scheduled to go in at 8am Thursday morning for a hit of contraction juice (i.e. pitocin) to hopefully kick things into high gear.

It isn't my first choice. I'd rather this kiddo get things moving on their own... but our doctor assures me that I'm a good candidate for this. My body is showing lots of other signs of being ready to labor -- including lots and lots of contractions -- but they just aren't regular. So she thinks in my case it'd probably serve as a trigger and not necessarily send us down a road with a lot of other interventions.

I just need to sit back and relax. Maybe nature will still take over. But if not, pitocin isn't the end of the world. And it is nice to have an "end date" in my mind. Keep praying for us! We're going to need it these next few days!

(And yes, we will post something on here or on facebook as soon as we can! They do have wireless at the hospital, so we should be able to inform you relatively quickly when we have news to share.)

Open Eyes

2010-12-31T21:35:00.000-06:00

2011 came quietly. Jacob and I spent it at home, watching episodes of Dirty Jobs and Psych while I timed contractions and willed them to get stronger and longer. I remember wondering if it was 2011 yet and glanced at the clock behind me. It was exactly midnight… to the second. How did I catch that moment?

And just like that, we began a new season… A new year. 2011 - A year of change.

It's already not what I expected.

I truly thought our baby would be born in 2010… but right now, as Jacob naps on the couch and LeLe suns herself like a cat in the window, I am strangely at peace and even a bit thankful that I have this quiet morning to reflect on what we're leaving and where we're going.

Here's what I know is true of me. I am not brave. I am fearful. I am like Elisha's servant, fully aware of all the enemies that surround me. Mine may not hold swords, but they are waving weapons of fear and shouting words of doubt.

You aren't going to know how to take care of this baby. Someone else would be better-suited for the job.
You aren't going to be able to emotionally recover from the stress of becoming a mom in time for the move home, and you're going to have a nervous breakdown.
You are going to get to the airport and find out something is wrong with your dog's paperwork and will have to leave her behind.
You are going to be totally overwhelmed by the difficulty of adjusting to motherhood and preparing for a cross-continental move at the same time.
You and Jacob aren't going to communicate very well in this next season of life. You are going to revert to old patterns of behavior where you both just put your heads down and trudge forward to get through difficult seasons - failing to actually journey together.
You are going to have a meltdown on the plane home.
You are going to be lonely and misunderstood when you go home.
You are going to lose your passions and only care about cookies for bake sales and soccer practice, and you will wake up someday and wonder what happened to the Carrie you used to be.
Jacob isn't going to be able to find a good job. He has been out of the field for too long and no one will give him a chance.
You are going to be dependent on others for shelter, assistance, and support for much longer than you anticipate.
You are not going to have a home for a very long time… you will be a house-guest who stays too long and has no roots. Your baby isn't even going to have a consistent place to sleep.

The enemies get bigger and bigger. The shouts grow louder and louder. My heart rate gets faster and faster. Fear rolls in my stomach… boils up into the back of my throat and bubbles out sometimes in a voice-cracking cry that admits just how terrified I am. I have moments a few times a week… moments when I just sob and cry out, "I can't do this." I'm almost angry that I even have to try!

It isn't that someone is forcing us to change. It is time and we are ready. But normal people don't do this. And it makes sometimes makes me angry - at myself, at my husband, at God, at our convictions, at something I can't quite name - that we're doing it anyway.

I am no spiritual giant. I am no saint. I have not learned how to always trust God, no matter the circumstances. My memories of His past faithfulness are almost always overshadowed by my future fears. Fear blinds me and I cannot see reality clearly.

“Don’t be afraid!” Elisha told him. “For there are more on our side than on theirs!” Then Elisha prayed, “O Lord, open his eyes and let him see!” The Lord opened the young man’s eyes, and when he looked up, he saw that the hillside around Elisha was filled with horses and chariots of fire.
2 Kings 6:16-17

There is one thing I know for sure... 2011 is going to be a year of change. I don't like change, but I know that Jesus is emmanuel even in this season of my life... He is with me. And, He is already putting Elisha's in my life who say, "Don't be afraid! He who is in you is greater than he that is in the world. He will keep you in perfect peace as you trust in him. Be still and know he is God. Rest. Trust him. He is good, Carrie. He is always, always good."

And as I hear these whispers of truth and whispers of grace, I know my eyes are being slowly opened... to see the hillsides around me filled with horses and chariots of fire, ready to come to my defense. Ready to fight when I cannot. These chariots don't belong to my enemy, but to my savior, and He's looking at me with love, compassion, and mercy.

2011 is going to be a year of change... and an opportunity to trust not in what is seen but in what is unseen. What is 2011 going to be for you?

Baby It's Cold Outside!

2010-12-31T01:37:00.000-06:00

Do I keep tormenting you with my blog post titles? Heh. It's payback for the emails/questions/facebook messages/phone calls/etc. asking "When is the baby coming?" Believe me, no one wants to know more than me! And if you don't already know this... no one (not doctors, not diviners, not fortune tellers, not moms-to-be) knows the answer to that question.

I suppose it is better than, "Oh! You're still pregnant!!" Which is something else I'm hearing frequently these days.

That I am friends... that I am.

But seriously - I think somehow someone managed to inform our little one of the recent ridiculously-cold-weather snap here in Beijing. It is just about unbearable. Yesterday afternoon, with the 25mph biting wind whipping around, it felt like -2 degrees fahrenheit! Today is no different. No wonder this babe is staying put.

And lest you feel the urge to regale me with stories of how cold it is where you live, let me remind you that in this little village, nearly everyone either walks or rides a bike or a scooter. It isn't just the cold; it is the exposure to it that makes it unbearable.

Enough with the complaining.

Thank you for your comments and emails on my last post... they were all encouraging (in different ways) and reassuring to know that I'm not the only one who feels this way. I'd rather be transparent any day of the week than pasting on a fake happy smile. And I appreciate that when I'm real and vulnerable, people don't respond in harshness and judgement. Sometimes I brace myself for it, but it never happens... you guys are the best.

Someone sent me a link to this blog post yesterday... it's something I wrote earlier this month, but I didn't know it was being submitted to the LWB blog, so I didn't know it was on there. It's about Robert's Glimmer of Hope. If you aren't already, will you join me in praying this little guy into a family?

I had a doctor's appointment yesterday. Ultrasound showed healthy baby and healthy fluid levels and healthy everything else... so they want me to keep waiting. I'm actually thankful that in this country that's a bit c-section-happy, I have such an "all natural" medical team. But, there's another part of me that really wants to take advantage of modern medicine and get the show on the road. Right now, Jacob and I just feel like we need to wait - so we're taking their advice and doing our best to be patient. (I don't think it's that hard for Jacob to be patient since he's not the one with a bowling ball sitting on his pelvis.)

With all the "gearing up for baby" we've been doing, I haven't had a lot of time to dwell on the fact that in a little more than a month, we will be leaving China. I'm both excited and sad. Very bittersweet. (And scary, but that's a post for another day.) For the last few days, I've been trying to soak up everything around me so I never forget. Here are some things I've contemplated so far. There's more, I'm sure. You may not find this interesting... it's mostly for my own chronicle so that someday I can look back and remember.

Things I'll miss:
-The daily walks around our apartment complex; seeing friends we've made along the way.
- The older people out walking backwards, playing ping pong, dancing, playing frisbee, and just generally staying unbelievably active.
- People calling our dog "Ler Ler" - sounds odd, I know. But it is a Beijing accent, and it's endearing and cute to us. (Her name is actually LeLe, as in LuhLuh - means Happy Happy; which fits her.) Anyway, she is a village mutt, after all… not a high-browed pedigree, so Jacob and I have taken to calling our dog this rural Beiing-hua version of her name… so much so that it has almost morphed into her all-the-time-name. Can you imagine the odd looks we'll get in the states if people hear us calling our dog "Ler Ler?" (That was a bit of a digression. sorry.)
- The old man in the park with his sword who does elaborate exercise dances. He looks as if he's from another dynasty.
- Neighbors who have truly welcomed us… the call I got on Christmas night from an older lady in our apartment complex just to wish me a Merry Christmas. (A holiday she doesn't actually celebrate.)
- Friends who stop by and spend afternoons just chatting. The way that everyone is chipping in to help us through the next month of our life. Friends have arranged to prepare meals, walk our dog, help us pack, run errands, and just about anything else that we might need. We may not have family around, but we're surrounded by an incredible community.
- Stopping by the foster home play room whenever I want to cuddle, laugh, and play. I love those kids. That's all I have to say about that.
- People who have loved and welcomed us into their lives, even when we're the "crazy foreigners" who can barely communicate with them... People like Deng Jie, the head seamstress for Scarlet Threads, who tells me every time she sees me that she is going to miss me when I go. I'll miss them, too.

Things I will not miss:
-The dirt. Oh. The dirt. Piles and piles all over our village, which is in a perpetual state of deconstruction/construction.
-The trash. The burning trash. The piled trash. The ever-present trash.
-The sad-looking stray animals living in the trash.
-The pollution. (Officially called "crazy bad" by US embassy.)
-The traffic. (Officially tied with Mexico City for "world's worst.")
-The winter weather. Did I mention it is cold?

Sometimes I Wonder Why

2010-12-27T19:51:00.000-06:00

Sometimes I wonder why…

Why we so easily conceived when others have so much trouble. It isn't that I think we deserve trouble; it's just that I think we would have been OK if this never was our journey to parenthood. Others want it so badly and would grieve far more deeply. It happened so quickly and easily for us that sometimes I feel like I'm not grateful enough… like I never had any time to develop a true longing.

People look at me funny when I say this: I haven't been a fan of pregnancy. I'm not sure I ever want to do it again. They always laugh, shake their heads knowingly, and say, "Oh, you'll feel differently when you hold your baby!!" I know a lot of 9-month-pregnant women say they don't want to go through it again, but I think I might be different. I don't really know… only time will tell. It isn't that I want an only child, but there are other ways to build a family; and to be honest, they seem to be a far better fit for us.

Being pregnant and working at an orphanage is a strangely unsettling experience.

I've tried not to think about it too much, honestly. Just because I can't quite wrap my mind around it. But, sometimes its inescapable. There's one little guy in particular at our foster home... About 4 years old and truly longing for a family, he's been the most curious about my pregnancy. He constantly touches my belly, wants to see what's under my shirt, asks me questions, and even pretends to have a baby in his own belly. His very favorite game to play with me is when I poke and tickle his belly to check for a baby.

He told me yesterday, curled up on my lap with his head nestled against my swollen stomach, that he wants to hold my baby when it comes to the outside.

I wanted to weep.

Sometimes I wonder why…

If we'd never conceived this child, we would have still become parents. Jacob told me about a strangely vivid dream he had last night. Jacob never remembers his dreams, but this one was so strong it woke him from a deep sleep and left him shaken for some time. In typical dream-weirdness it involved all sorts of odd imagery and events, but the jolt-awake moment came when a miserable, sick, and dejected creature who just wanted Jacob's affection (and who Jacob was trying to push away) spoke out a clarion sentence: Why not me?

As he told me about the dream this morning, I couldn't shake the image of the little boy curled in my lap yesterday. Does he not also wonder, Why not me?

I know I will grow to love this little one I've carried for 9 months. And I know he/she is an indescribable gift. But the other path to parenthood would have been just as blessed and rich.

And sometimes I wonder why… why this is the road we have walked.

------

Since I'm still posting, we're obviously still waiting... :) I actually feel like I'm coming down with some sort of upper respiratory infection right now. Will you please pray that it doesn't take a turn for the worse? Labor seems difficult enough... don't really want to be coughing and hacking during it.

Christmas in China

2010-12-25T18:52:00.000-06:00

Merry Christmas everyone! For those of you in the USA, you still have a few more hours to celebrate. It's Sunday morning here, and I think Jacob and I need to recover a bit from the holiday celebrations. We're hanging out at home today, playing with our dog and just resting.

We kicked things off with a Christmas Eve party at a friend's house here. We joined about 20 other people around steamy bowls of hot pot and ate until we were stuffed. It was pretty tasty, but the fellowship was even better. Christmas in China can be pretty hard. (I should know - this is the third one of the last four that we've spent here. It's hard because you are so far from family and a culture that generally acknowledges it. But it is the first one that I didn't spend at least part of the day crying! So I'd say that's success.) Anyway, because so many people are far from their own families and traditions, we do a pretty good job of coming together. We've never been to so many Christmas parties as we have in China... and it helps make things feel a bit more like they should.

We started Christmas morning with a doctor's appointment. Odd, I know. But it isn't an official holiday here. It was actually OK - I mean, if we're sitting around waiting on the baby anyway, it's kind of nice to feel like you are at least doing something productive in that department. And the official verdict: wait some more! Nothing much to report, other than increased weight gain (on my part), which I chalk up to the intense holiday baking I've been doing. And, a baby that continues to be doing quite well and seems to be quite cozy, unfortunately. (The cozy part - not the doing well part.) We do know the child isn't deaf. During the weekly non-stress test (standard operating procedure here in your last month), our little one was decidedly uncooperative. The test monitors the baby's heart rate and ensures that it responds the way it should. So, when it moves, the heart rate should climb and then fall again when it is still. Well, our child wanted to sleep through the test, evidently. And no movement = no results. So the nurse gets a metal cup and a metal medical instrument and starts banging them a few inches from my stomach. Within about 10 seconds, the child was squirming.

No wonder he/she doesn't want to come out...

One thing I've learned through three Chinese Christmases is that I always miss the holiday meal. I had my heart set on one this year, so after the doctor's appointment, Jacob and I treated ourselves to our own Christmas celebration. We went to the Grand Millennium, a 5-star hotel in downtown Beijing, and ~~gorged on~~ enjoyed a beautiful Christmas buffet. It wasn't quite the same as being at home, but the food was excellent and they had all the holiday must-haves... turkey, ham, prime rib, stuffing, gravy, etc. We spent 1.5 hours just enjoying a quiet lunch and talking; we're really trying to make the most of these last days of "coupledom," for we know it will all change very, very soon.

Then we went home and did what people the world over do after eating too much. We napped. And then it was time to get ready for our next big party... another gathering at another friend's house. This time everyone brought holiday-ish appetizers and drinks. We made mulled wine and hot spinach artichoke dip with homemade sourdough bread. Someone else made homemade summer sausage! Can you imagine? It was actually really, really good! After hours of eating, talking, laughing, and playing games, Jacob and I came home and talked with some of our family. (Hopefully we catch the rest of you this morning!)

It was a wonderful Christmas... though our celebrations did seem to involve way too much food. I'm so thankful that we had a special day with so many people who we love. Next year, when we're gathered around tables with our families, I'm sure part of me will be remembering this Christmas and wishing we could spend it with our friends here, too.

Well, that's all for now. I'm going to go eat a piece of my yummy homemade pumpkin pie with fresh whipped cream for breakfast. That's perfectly normal right. Hey, it did start out as fresh pumpkin, so really I'm having a vegetable for breakfast.

Merry Christmas to all!

Incarnation

2010-12-24T07:30:00.000-06:00

A year later, and I still see the same shepherd and his sheep.

A year later, and I'm still thinking the same incarnational thoughts... still thinking about dirty sheep.

It's a message I need to re-read now and again myself... can I point you back to it, too?

Merry Christmas

The Last Christmas

2010-12-22T20:05:00.000-06:00

Again with the non-original blog content.

But, this is pretty special to me... a sweet little gift this morning. It's seeming increasingly likely that we'll have a post-Christmas baby. A few minutes ago, I was working away and listening to my Pandora Christmas station, and "The Last Christmas" by Sixpence None the Richer started playing. The lyrics caught my attention... I think you'll see why I liked it so much.

I feel your heart beating

Inside my own skin

And I think of Mary

In Bethlehem

That night in a stable

Our Saviour was born

Yes, we have so much

To be thankful for

On the last Christmas

The last Christmas

Without you

We're choosing the colors

Preparing your room

For one day; Midsummer

The advent of you

Together we wait for

A heavenly gift

Is winter a wonder?

Enchanted that this is

The last Christmas

Without you

See the stars shining from above

Hear the Seraphim singing

Praise to the Giver of Life and Love

Maker of Beautiful things..

I feel you heart beating

Inside my own skin

And I think of Mary

In Bethlehem

When darkness was shattered

The dawn of God's grace

And the journey'd begun

To the first Easter day

On the this Christmas

The last Christmas

The very last Christmas

The last Christmas

Without you

I Found This Funny

2010-12-22T08:13:00.000-06:00

Continuing in the spirit of non-original blog content (I'm too brain-dead for anything else at this point), I wanted to share something that gave both Jacob and me a really hearty laugh. Some of you might not find it quite as funny, but I hope you'll still love us anyway.

The Colbert Report

Mon - Thurs 11:30pm / 10:30c

Jesus Is a Liberal Democrat

www.colbertnation.com

Colbert Report Full Episodes

Political Humor & Satire Blog

March to Keep Fear Alive

I have a thing for political satire. I find the "talking heads" on the major news channels to be just about as ridiculous as the "fake" news shows, and the people that are intentionally sarcastic are a whole lot more funny and not quite so alarming to me. Anyway, sorry for the lack of meaningful content here lately... I'm pretty much consumed with one recurring thought. How do I get this child to evict? That doesn't make for very entertaining blog posts.

And no, if you're wondering... still no signs of baby.

PS: I first saw this on Kristen's blog, Rage Against the Minivan. She's a great writer who I've been following for a couple of years, and she never fails to make me laugh. Like a few weeks ago when she wrote about her little boy's encounter with the peeing horse... I laughed till I cried.

Too Adorable

2010-12-20T06:51:00.000-06:00

Nope. No baby yet.

But at our Christmas service this last Sunday, they showed this absolutely adorable nativity video.

I'm not sure who my favorite is... the sheep or the star, the sheep or the star. It's a toss-up. Or maybe it's the third king.

Oh, and we had glo-sticks at the end, too. It was a proper party.

Christmas Waiting

2010-12-16T08:04:00.000-06:00

We are still waiting, but it seems like December is always a season of expectation… anticipation… so it seems fitting on these quiet and cold nights.

I'm still vacillating between impatience and acute awareness that this is the last season of our life where we will have quiet evenings at home, dates without childcare arrangements, and relative freedom. (Thank you to those who sent gentle emails and kind comments reminding me of this!)

Though I'm pondering many things, I haven't yet found a way to put them into words.

But I did find these words in little corners of cyberspace that I love to visit… they spoke to me as we wait for our own little one and as we approach Christmas. I wanted to share them with you... uncommon perspectives as we wait for Christmas.

On Joseph and a Complete Nativity Scene.

On and On

2010-12-13T19:47:00.000-06:00

Sing with me:
These are the days that never end... yes they go on and on my friends.

That's what I feel like right now.

I know the doctors told me they felt there's a pretty good chance baby will come pre-Christmas, but the reality is - they don't know. And I'm not one to dwell on the possibility of it as I don't want to get my hopes up. So, I've sort of resigned myself to having this baby late.

The latest they'd let me go is the first week of January; at which point they'd induce. So, in my head, I've shifted my due date to like January 5 or so. Which leaves me feeling a bit frustrated, because that seems like FOREVER away. (Three weeks isn't exactly forever, says the rational voice in my head.)

But I'm done being pregnant.

I know how hard pregnancy is for some people. I know how badly some people want it. And I'm aware that my attitude stinks at a time when I should be blissfully grateful for how smooth everything has gone up until this point. Yet in these final weeks, I'm not being the "happiest camper" about everything. I just want to be on the other side of pregnancy, and at this point it feels like it will never, ever come. (Overly dramatic, I know. But I'm blaming pregnancy hormones for the drama.)

So while there is still no baby, I'm still having pretty regular (albeit painless) contractions and was told by yet another doctor that the baby is "fully engaged" (which she said means the same thing as "dropped" - to answer my previous question), so in reality labor could start at any time. But it also means it could start in 3 weeks.

I've never done well with uncertainty and a lack of a schedule or a plan.

Oh, and the two truths and two lies?
I don't have any swelling and we don't have any final names (weird, I know). But I can still ride on our scooter (it is a tight squeeze) and I can still use a squatty. Which by my account means Jill is the winner! (It's a pretty lame contest when the winner gets no prize.)

Two Truths and Two Lies: A Baby Update

2010-12-06T02:27:00.000-06:00

So two of these statements are true, and two are false. Let's see who can pick out which are white lies and which are scout's honor...

I am 9 months pregnant, and I:
a) Have swollen feet by 6pm.
b) Can still use a Chinese squatty (toilet).
c) Have finally finalized names, with the help of my dear husband.
d) Still fit on the back of our scooter.

I thought it was time for a general pregnancy update. I'm 37 weeks pregnant... officially full-term. And officially ready to get this show on the road.

It seems our baby might be in agreement. At the doctor's office yesterday, I was having regular contractions (ever 4 minutes), but at this point they are totally painless. (They continue to occur fairly regularly.) The baby's head has descended and is "engaged," but I'm not sure if it has "dropped." (What is the difference between those two things?) The doctors I saw yesterday both said they think there's a pretty good chance this baby will be an early Christmas present, which suits us just fine. (In addition to the general desire to be done with pregnancy; there would be the added benefit of additional time to adjust before our Feb. return to USA. So, as long as he/she is healthy and ready, I'm seriously hoping this little one debuts as soon as possible.)

I continue to be in excellent health, and as best as we can tell, so is the baby. They estimate our 'lil bundle-o-joy weighs about 6.4 pounds right now, and from the latest ultrasound all looks good -- baby's health, organs, heartbeat, umbilical cord, placenta, fluid, etc. No issues! I was told to "do whatever I want" and to not worry if I start to go into labor... they won't try to stop it at this point.

I think we're ready... or as ready as we're going to be. I'm starting to fret a little bit about how the trip to the hospital is going to go. There is no traffic like Beijing traffic, and it could take us anywhere from 1 hr to 3 hrs to get to the hospital. Obviously I can't wait as long as I might wait to leave if I lived 15 minutes from the hospital, but I have no idea when to decide "it is time." I have a pretty high pain tolerance and notoriously "under-estimate" the severity of my pain, sickness, etc. Please pray we have good wisdom about this.

Other than that, I'm not really worried about anything. I feel like our hospital is very well-prepared to help us through this process, and I really like everyone up there. We sort of get VIP treatment here -- probably nicer than we would have had in the USA -- both because the hospital is really small and because they don't have so many foreign patients. They go above and beyond to ensure that we're comfortable and confident with everything. So Jacob and I both feel pretty good about what's ahead.

Probably because ignorance is bliss.

----

And the answer to yesterday's guessing game? She's pictured up there with me above!

The sweet-as-candy-canes Cora!

His Fullness

2010-12-05T06:36:00.000-06:00

The sound of their laughter wakes me up in the morning. It's one of the things I never want to forget about this place…

Thin apartment walls mean the children living in the Healing Home next door sound like they are in my own bedroom. Sometimes at night the sound of a crying baby briefly stirs me from my sleep, but I suppose that's just good practice.

But it's the sound at 7:00 every morning that will always stay with me.

It starts with laughter, but it quickly moves to singing. The orphans next door awake with joy, and often usher me into Joy's presence.

Many would say the sound of orphans would be their cries. The picture of orphans would be their empty eyes. Those things are true. We've heard those sounds and seen those pictures; it is what first brought us to China.

But if that's all I ever heard and saw, I might have lost hope a long time ago. If that's where things ended, I would have questioned His goodness. But instead, He wakes me with their laughter and reminds me of His presence. He doesn't just meet their physical needs, He fills them with love… His fullness. And He does the same for you and me.

And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.

Ephesians 3:17-19

-------

Any guesses about who the bundled up sweetie-pie is? There's no prize... just my congratulations if you get it right. :) And can I just say, though I was neither the photographer (that would be Ganlu) nor there when the picture was taken, I got it right on the very first try. Prideful, aren't I.

What's Happening

2010-11-24T08:28:00.000-06:00

Everyone loves pictures, right? Well, I thought I'd share a few more photographs from our photo shoot with Amber. And, pictures from the baby shower Amber hosted for us last weekend. That's right -- more than 30 photos for your viewing enjoyment! I'm not sure when the last time I posted so many pictures at once was...
Side note: Notice the central theme here is Amber. Don't friends like Amber rock? I feel particularly blessed, because I have women like this in my life in abundance!

35 week checkup went well. Doctor continues to tell me I'm the picture of health! But, she did tell me that even though I feel good, I really need to take it easy these next couple of weeks. I'm trying my best to listen. Though I know I'm not huge, I seriously don't know how much bigger this child can get. I'm not sure there's room for both of us here. Kinda ready for the next 5 weeks (give or take) to speed on by... though I am relishing my last taste of freedom and few responsibilities.

Unless you count walking this mutt every day. That's real responsibility, right?

She's a weird dog. She lounges about in odd poses like this. It makes me laugh.

I don't think she knows how drastically her life is about to change. That makes two of us.

So... what else... oh yes, back to baby shower. We had a great time. More than 40 ladies joined the fun. There was a lot of laughter. We ate, played shower-y games, and opened gifts. Because we're leaving and have very limited suitcase space, and because showers aren't really a Chinese tradition and I didn't want all my Chinese friends to feel like they needed to buy us gifts, the focus of the shower was to bring a square of fabric. We're going to make a quilt of all the various fabric... it will be the world's most visually stimulating quilt, but it will be full of many special memories. (Which is far more important to me than receiving umpteen bibs.) We did get a few necessities for the baby as well... some diapers, a few outfits, etc. I think we're mostly set. And so far, our apartment hasn't turned into baby-ville... which is just what I was going for.

I baked a cake today. I even made up the recipe. It was a chai spice cake, and I was so excited to try it. I took it out of the oven, cut a steaming slice, handed a slice to my good friend Grace, took a bite, and realized... I forgot the sugar! I was going to throw the cake away. (It was very odd tasting.) But Grace, who is Chinese, insisted on taking it home with her. Later she texted and said she and her roommate loved it. I think that's a little odd, considering the way the concoction tasted, but the Chinese aren't that crazy about sugar, so I guess it is plausible. It's also plausible that she was just being really, really nice.

And all was not lost... actually half the batter hadn't yet baked, so I tossed in some sugar and some extra spice and baked it and voila... sugar craving fulfilled! (And this time, Jacob didn't throw away half the piece I cut for him.)

Tomorrow morning I'm making sweet potatoes for 50+ children at the foster home for their annual Thanksgiving feast. This is my third year to do the sweet potatoes. My favorite part is that the nannies always think they must be healthy since they are sweet potatoes and willingly give the kiddos seconds (and thirds). I don't tell them that they probably have more sugar than the pumpkin pie. Figure the kids need a good sugar rush now and again.

We'll be eating our Thanksgiving meal on Friday. And, we do get the full works... turkey, stuffing, etc! I'm soooo excited.

Speaking of Thanksgiving and being thankful... You guys make my list! I've so enjoyed reading the comments and encouragement you've given after our last post. Having such a warm and loving community definitely makes the prospect of our transition more exhilarating and exciting and less frightening and overwhelming. We love you guys. Please keep praying for us.

And with that, I'm off to bed. G'night!

Edges

2010-11-20T20:47:00.000-06:00

Edges terrify and intrigue me.

Though my mom might have been afraid, she never told me to back away. She'd let me get close and peer over… only calling me back when I truly passed the line of danger. Something about standing on the edge made me feel braver than I actually was. A winding creek in the valley below - it's roar a whisper from where I stood. The trees singing the song of the wind blowing through. It was a curious view from up so high, and it felt a little as if I'd been let in on some delicious secret by making it to that place and to that view. My bravado grew as I watched pebbles disappear over the edge. But so did my fear.

I don't know why I've been thinking about this today. Maybe because I'm on another edge. It has been a long and difficult climb to the top. And the view from here is sometimes curious and even bizarre. But it is time to go back down. I'm intrigued by what might be down there, but for some reason the pathway we need to follow looks a bit like jumping off the cliff from this point of view.

Over a year of prayer and months of tears and we have decided. We are going home. But my heart does wonder what that really means, because as I sit in my living room on a sunny Sunday morning with my favorite candle burning and my dog sleeping in the windowsill, I do feel in some ways that I'm already there. The irony of this is not lost on me. Many of you have journeyed with me as I've bemoaned cabinet heights and dusty villages and absent shower stalls. How did this place start to feel like mine? We came for 3 months and have stayed for 3 years, and we always knew leaving would be harder than coming.

But it is time. The reasons are many… Jacob needs and wants to return to his electrical engineering career. I am transitioning to motherhood and need to make a "clean break" so that can be a priority. We want to be closer to our families. We have watched people stay too long in this place… the rough edges of the culture grower more grating when one stays too long. Bitterness and cynicism replace grace and mercy, and we see more seeds of that in our own hearts now than ever before.

But it is hard. Our community here is a blessing that defies description. I have an opportunity to be involved in work that makes my heart sing. We enjoy a slower-paced life and more time together as a couple. It finally feels like the aftershocks of the earthquake in our lives have subsided, and I'm not ready for another earthquake, though I feel like that's what's in store.

The pebbles on the edge are many and I don't really want them to fall… since each one is connected deeply to my heart, not knowing where they might land makes me feel vulnerable and shaky.

Jacob has no job to return to, and he has been out of the industry for 3 years. God has provided for us these last three years, but it still seems easier to set up my tent in the land of doubt rather than the land of trust.
We have no idea where we will make our home. We have had many offers of places to live and stay initially, but my heart wants to know where home will be.
We are leaving behind an incredible community for the individualistic west, and I know I will feel lonely.
I am leaving the work that has defined me for a very long season of my life… trading it for diapers and rocking and late nights. I don't really know who I'm going to be.

Any one of these transitions would be big. And we're kicking all the pebbles off the cliff at once. I'm terrified and intrigued.

-----

I know that this post might have come as a complete shock to some of you. I've wanted to share for a while, but the time hasn't been right and we've been so busy... I realize there are many questions it raises, and I will be writing more about it in the coming weeks. To answer the first question - when? Probably in February sometime. After the baby is born and we have (a little) chance to adjust.

Talking Head

2010-11-16T19:32:00.000-06:00

Put a camera in front of me, and I get a bit nervous. And then I start rambling. On and on. And on. I'm pretty sure that's the reason I was the only interview in the clip. They didn't know where to cut it.

I love talking about our kids, though. They truly do inspire me.

Just thought this was kinda fun to share... and 2 blog posts in 2 days. The world might start spinning in the other direction!

Just Because

2010-11-16T02:44:00.000-06:00

These last few months have been pure craziness. And it has turned me into a horrible blogger. If you are reading this, I'm surprised you're still hanging with me.

But - I did want to check in and say that we are still here and still doing well. Hard to believe we're nearing our final month in this fast-paced journey towards parenthood. All seems to be going well, though I regularly get told that I'm really small. But, our doctor says everything is fine, so I'm choosing to simply believe that I'm "blessed" and not unusually "small." :)

Our friend, Amber Parker, took maternity pictures for us a couple of weeks ago. It wasn't something I planned to do, but she talked me into it and I'm glad she did! It was fun. She's a very talented photographer -- check out her series on Chinese foster families! -- and she's a good friend, so we're a bit more natural around her than we normally are around cameras. It was amusing to say the least... all the laughter had a lot to do with how uncomfortable Jacob seemed by the whole experience. When she asked him (jokingly) to kiss my stomach for a picture, his reaction was priceless. I know many couples do take the "kissing belly" maternity picture... but if you know my husband, you know there are no circumstances under which he would do such a thing for a camera. Putting his hand on my belly for a few shots was borderline unacceptable in his book... especially since the foster home gardener kept walking by wondering (I'm sure) what we were doing.

In other news, We had a great weekend... there have been a few times that we've been BLOWN AWAY by someone's generosity and love for us, and this was one of those weekends. Some friends of ours from Dallas came to China for a special birthday trip and wanted to visit us for a few days in Beijing. Before this trip we hadn't had many opportunities to spend with this couple "in real life," so when they came we were looking forward to getting to know them more. And we had a blast.

But you know what they did that blew us away? They invited us to stay with them in downtown Beijing in one of the city's nicest hotels. (We're talking world-class.) This was what our room looked like.

No need to say more, but I will.

It had a bathtub. I took 2 in less than 12 hours. I could have had a third if I'd had time. Do you know how good a bath feels when you are 8 months pregnant? uh-may-zing. That's all I have to say about that.

It was truly a lovely weekend. It was totally pampering that we didn't "need" or "deserve," but it was certainly enjoyed! And, I am just totally blown away by the generosity of various people in our lives... this is just the latest example in a long stream.

Being the recipient of so much material generosity these last few years has taught me about how I want to be when the "shoe is on the other foot." I think these extravagent displays of love given to us by other Jesus-followers teach us something about the Father's heart for us that we can't learn any other way... we talk about his lavish love, but I sometimes think I don't really know what that means. But then someone comes and takes me to a 5-star hotel and puts a gift-bag in the bathroom and tells me to enjoy... just because.

And somewhere deep inside, I feel like God gave me a hug and told me He loves me... just because.

Pictures

2010-11-01T21:41:00.000-05:00

I promised pictures... here they are. All taken at about 31/32 weeks.

Right now we have a bunch of toddler boys at really fun ages... Vincent, Timothy, Robert, and Ethan are the ones I hang out with the most. They say such funny things and they have these unbelievable imaginations. They also just like to cuddle. I think they are absolutely adorable.